INTO the history of Mr
Francis Beveridge, as supplied by the obliging candour of the Baron von
Blitzenberg and the notes of Dr Escott, Dr Twiddel and his friend Robert Welsh
make a kind of explanatory entry. They most effectually set the ball a-rolling,
and so the story starts in a small room looking out on a very uninteresting
London street.
It was about three
o'clock on a November afternoon, that season of fogs and rains and mud, when
towns- people long for fresh air and hillsides, and country-folk think
wistfully of the warmth and lights of a city, when nobody is satisfied, and
everybody has a cold. Outside the window of the room there were a few feet of
earth adorned with a low bush or two, a line of railings, a stone- paved
street, and on the other side a long row of uniform yellow brick houses. The
apartment itself was a modest chamber, containing a minimum of rented furniture
and a flickering gas-stove. By a small caseful of medical treatises and a
conspicuous stethoscope, the least experienced could see that it was labelled
consulting-room.
Dr Twiddel was enjoying
one of those moments of repose that occur even in the youngest practitioner's
existence. For the purposes of this narrative he may briefly be described as an
amiable-looking young man, with a little bit of fair moustache and still less
chin, no practice to speak of, and a considerable quantity of unpaid bills. A
man of such features and in such circumstances invites temptation. At the
present moment, though his waistcoat was unbuttoned and his feet rested on the
mantelpiece, his mind seemed not quite at ease. He looked back upon a number of
fortunate events that had not occurred, and forward to various unpleasant
things that might occur, and then he took a letter from his pocket and read it
abstractedly.
``I can't afford to
refuse,'' he reflected, lugubriously; ``and yet, hang it! I must say I don't
fancy the job.''
When metal is molten it
can be poured into any vessel; and at that moment a certain deep receptacle
stood on the very doorstep.
The doctor heard the
bell, sat up briskly, stuffed the letter back into his pocket, and buttoned his
waistcoat.
``A patient at last!''
and instantly there arose a vision of a simple operation, a fabulous fee, and
twelve sickly millionaires an hour ever after. The door opened, and a loud
voice hailed him familiarly.
``Only Welsh,'' he
sighed, and the vision went the way of all the others.
The gentleman who
swaggered in and clapped the doctor on the back, who next threw himself into
the easiest chair and his hat and coat over the table, was in fact Mr Robert
Welsh. From the moment he entered he pervaded the room; the stethoscope seemed
to grow less conspicuous, Dr Twiddel's chin more diminutive, the apartment
itself a mere background to this guest. Why? It would be hard to say precisely.
He was a black-moustached, full-faced man, with an air of the most consummate
assurance, and a person by some deemed handsome. Yet somehow or other he
inevitably recalled the uncles of history. Perhaps this assurance alone gave
him his atmosphere. You could have felt his egotism in the dark.
He talked in a loud
voice and with a great air of mastery over all the contingencies of a life
about town. You felt that here sat one who had seen the world and gave things
their proper proportions, who had learned how meretricious was orthodoxy, and
which bars could really be recommended. He chaffed, patronised, and cheered the
doctor. Patients had been scarce, had they? Well, after all, there were many
consolations. Did Twiddle say he was hard up? Welsh himself in an even more
evil case. He narrated various unfortunate transactions connected with the turf
and other pursuits, with regret, no doubt, and yet with a fine rakish defiance
of destiny. Twiddel's face cleared, and he began to show something of the same
gallant spirit. He brought out a tall bottle with a Celtic superscription;
Welsh half filled his glass, poured in some water from a dusty decanter, and
proposed the toast of ``Luck to the two most deserving sinners in London!''
The doctor was fired,
he drew the same letter from his pocket, and cried, ``By Jove, Welsh, I'd
almost forgotten to tell you of a lucky offer that came this morning.''
This was not strictly
true, for as a matter of fact the doctor had only hesitated to tell of this
offer lest he should be shamed to a decision. But Welsh was infectious.
``Congratulations, old
man!'' said his friend. ``What's it all about?''
``Here's a letter from
an old friend of my people's-- Dr Watson, by name. He has a very good country
practice, and he offers me this job.''
He handed the letter to
Welsh, and then added, with a flutter of caution, ``I haven't made up my mind
yet. There are drawbacks, as you'll see.''
Welsh opened the letter
and read--
"DEAR TWIDDEL, --I am happy
to tell you that I am at last able to put something in your way. A gentleman in
this neighbourhood, one of my most esteemed patients, has lately suffered from
a severe mental and physical shock, followed by brain fever, and is still, I
regret to say, in an extremely unstable mental condition. I have strongly
recommended quiet and change of scene, and at my suggestion he is to be sent
abroad under the care of a medical attendant. I have now much pleasure in
offering you the post, if you would care to accept it. You will find your
patient, Mr Mandell-Essington, an extremely agreeable young man when in
possession of his proper faculties. He has large means and no near relatives;
he comes of one of the best families in the county; and though he has, I
surmise, sown his wild oats pretty freely, he was considered of unusual promise
previous to this unfortunate illness. He is of an amiable and pleasant
disposition, though at present, we fear, inclined to suicidal tendencies. I
have no particular reason to think he is at all homicidal; still, you will see
that he naturally requires most careful watching. It is possible that you may
hesitate to leave your practice (which I trust prospers); but as the
responsibility is considerable, the fee will be proportionately generous--£500,
and all expenses paid.''
(``Five hundred quid!''
exclaimed Welsh.)
``I would suggest a
trip on the Continent. The duration and the places to be visited will be
entirely at your discretion. It is of course hardly necessary to say that you
will seek quiet localities. Trusting to hear from you at your very earliest
convenience, believe me,
Welsh looked at his
friend with the respect that prosperity naturally excites. He smiled on him as
an equal, and cried, heartily, ``Congratulations again! When do you start?''
Twiddel fidgeted
uncomfortably, ``I--er--well, you see--ah--I haven't quite made up my mind
yet.''
``What's the matter?''
``Hang it,
Welsh--er--the fact is I don't altogether like the job.''
Scruples of any kind
always surprised Welsh.
``Can't afford to leave
the practice?'' he asked with a laugh.
``That's--ah--partly
the reason,'' replied Twiddel, uncomfortably.
``Rot, old man! There's
a girl in the case. Out with it!''
``No, it isn't that.
You see it's the very devil of a responsibility.''
At this confession of
weakness he looked guiltily at his heroic friend. From the bottom of his heart
he wished he had screwed up his courage in private. Welsh had so little
imagination.
``By Gad,'' exclaimed
Welsh, ``I'd manage a nunnery for £500!''
``I daresay you would,
but a suicidal, and possibly homicidal, lunatic isn't a nunnery.''
Welsh looked at his
friend with diminished respect.
``Then you are going to
chuck up £500 and a free trip on the Continent?'' he said.
``Dr Watson himself
admits the responsibility.''
``With a--what is
it?--agreeable young man?''
``Only when in
possession of his proper faculties,'' said the doctor, dismally.
``And an amiable
disposition?''
``With suicidal
tendencies, hang it!''
``I should have
thought,'' said Welsh, with a laugh, ``that they would only matter to
himself.''
``But he is homicidal
too--or at least it's doubtful. I want to know a little more about that, thank
you!''
``What is the man's
name?''
``Mandell-Essington.''
``Sounds aristocratic.
He might come in useful afterwards, when he's cured.''
Welsh spoke with an air
of reflection, which might have been entirely disinterested.
``He'd probably commit
suicide first,'' said Twiddel, ``and of course I'd get all the blame.''
``Or homicide,''
replied Welsh, ``When he would.''
``No, he
wouldn't--that's the worst of it; I'd be blamed for having my own throat cut.''
``Twiddel,'' said his
friend, deliberately, ``it seems to me you're a fool.''
``I'm at least alive,''
cried Twiddel, warming with sympathy for himself, ``which I probably wouldn't
be for long in Mr Essington's company.''
``I don't blame your nerves,
dear boy,'' said Welsh, with a smile that showed all his teeth, ``only your
head. Here are £500 going a-begging. There must be some way----'' He paused,
deep in reflection. ``How would it do,'' he remarked in a minute, ``if I were
to go in your place?''
Twiddel laughed and
shook his head.
``Couldn't be
managed?''
``Couldn't possibly,
I'm afraid.''
``No,'' said Welsh. ``I
foresee difficulties.''
He fished a pipe out of
his pocket, filled and lit it, and leaned back in his chair gazing at the
ceiling.
``Twiddel, my boy,'' he
said at length, ``will you give me a percentage of the fee if I think of a safe
dodge for getting the money and preserving your throat?''
Twiddel laughed.
``Rather!'' he said.
``I am perfectly
serious,'' replied Welsh, keenly. ``I'm certain the thing is quite possible.''
He half closed his eyes
and ruminated in silence. The doctor watched him--fascinated, afraid. Somehow
or other he felt that he was already a kind of Guy Fawkes. There was something
so unlawful in Welsh's expression.
They sat there without
speaking for about ten minutes, and then all of a sudden Welsh sprang up with a
shout of laughter, slapping first his own leg and then the doctor's back.
``By Gad, I've got
it!'' he cried. ``I have it!''
And he had; hence this
tale.
IN a certain fertile
and well-wooded county of England there stands a high stone wall. On a sunny
day the eye of the traveller passing through this province is gratified by the
sparkle of myriads of broken bottles arranged closely and continuously along
its coping-stone. Above these shining facets the boughs of tall trees swing in
the wind and throw their shadows across the highway. The wall at last leaves
the road and follows the park round its entire extent. Its height never varies;
the broken bottles glitter perpetually; and only through two entrances, and
that when the gates are open, can one gain a single glimpse inside: for the
gates are solid, with no chinks for the curious.
The country all round
is undulating, and here and there from the crest of an eminence you can see a
great space of well-timbered park land within this wall; and in winter, when
the leaves are off the trees, you may spy an imposing red-brick mansion in the
midst.
Any native will inform
you, with a mixture of infectious awe and becoming pride, that this is no less
than the far-famed private asylum of Clankwood.
This ideal institution
bore the enviable reputation of containing the best-bred lunatics in England.
It was credibly reported that however well marked their symptoms and however
well developed their delusions, none but ladies and gentlemen of the most
unblemished descent were permitted to enjoy its seclusion. The dances there
were universally considered the most agreeable functions in the county. The
conversation of many of the inmates was of the widest range and the most
refreshing originality, and the demeanour of all, even when most free from the
conventional trammels of outside society, bore evidence of an expensive, and in
some cases of a Christian, upbringing. This is scarcely to be wondered at, when
beneath one roof were assembled the heirs- presumptive to three dukedoms, two
suicidal marquises, an odd archbishop or so, and the flower of the baronetage
and clergy. As this list only includes a few of the celebrities able or willing
to be introduced to distinguished visitors, and makes no mention of the
uncorroborated dignities (such as the classical divinities and Old Testament
duplicates), the anxiety shown by some people to certify their relations can
easily be understood.
Dr Congleton, the
proprietor and physician of Clankwood, was a gentleman singularly well fitted
to act as host on the occasion of asylum reunions. No one could exceed him in
the respect he showed to a coroneted head, even when cracked; and a bishop
under his charge was always secured, as far as possible, from the least whisper
of heretical conversation. He possessed besides a pleasant rubicund countenance
and an immaculate wardrobe. He was further fortunate in having in his
assistants, Dr Escott and Dr Sherlaw, two young gentlemen whose medical
knowledge was almost equal to the affability of their manners and the
excellence of their family connections.
One November night
these two were sitting over a comfortable fire in Sherlaw's room. Twelve
o'clock struck, Escott finished the remains of something in a tumbler, rose,
and yawned sleepily.
``Time to turn in,
young man,'' said he.
``I suppose it is,''
replied Sherlaw, a very pleasant and boyish young gentleman. ``Hullo! What's
that? A cab?''
They both listened, and
some way off they could just pick out a sound like wheels upon gravel.
``It's very late for
any one to be coming in,'' said Escott.
The sound grew clearer
and more unmistakably like a cab rattling quickly up the drive.
``It is a cab,'' said
Sherlaw.
They heard it draw up
before the front door, and then there came a pause.
``Who the deuce can it
be?'' muttered Escott.
In a few minutes there
came a knock at the door, and a servant entered.
``A new case, sir.
Want's to see Dr Congleton particular.''
``A man or a woman?''
``Man, sir.''
``All right,'' growled
Sherlaw. ``I'll come, confound him.''
``Bad luck, old man,''
laughed Escott. ``I'll wait here in case by any chance you want me.''
He fell into his chair
again, lit a cigarette, and sleepily turned over the pages of a book. Dr
Sherlaw was away for a little time, and when he returned his cheerful face wore
a somewhat mystified expression.
``Well?'' asked Escott.
``Rather a rum case,''
said his colleague, thoughtfully.
``What's the matter?''
``Don't know.''
``Who was it?''
``Don't know that
either.''
Escott opened his eyes.
``What happened,
then?''
``Well,'' said Sherlaw,
drawing his chair up to the fire again, ``I'll tell you just what did happen,
and you can make what you can out of it. Of course, I suppose it's all right,
really, but--well, the proceedings were a little unusual, don't you know.
``I went down to the
door, and there I found a four- wheeler with a man standing beside it. The door
of the cab was shut, and there seemed to be two more men inside. This chap
who'd got out--a youngish man-- hailed me at once as though he'd bought the
whole place.
`` `You Dr Congleton?'
`` `Damn your
impertinence!' I said to myself, `ringing people up at this hour, and talking
like a bally drill- sergeant.'
``I told him politely I
wasn't old Congers, but that I'd make a good enough substitute for the likes of
him.
`` `I tell you what it
is,' said the Johnnie, `I've brought a patient for Dr Congleton, a cousin of
mine, and I've got a doctor here, too. I want to see Dr Congleton.'
`` `He's probably in
bed,' I said, `but I'll do just as well. I suppose he's certified, and all
that.'
`` `Oh, it's all
right,' said the man, rather as though he expected me to say that it wasn't. He
looked a little doubtful what to do, and then I heard some one inside the cab
call him. He stuck his head in the window and they confabbed for a minute, and
then he turned to me and said, with the most magnificent air you ever saw, like
a chap buying a set of diamond studs, `My friend here is a great personal
friend of Dr Congleton, and it's a damned---- I mean it's an uncommonly
delicate matter. We must see him.'
`` `Well, if you
insist, I'll see if I can get him,' I said; `but you'd better come in and
wait.'
``So the Johnnie opened
the door of the cab, and there was a great hauling and pushing, my friend
pulling an arm from the outside, and the doctor shoving from within, and at
last they fetched out their patient. He was a tall man, in a very
smart-looking, long, light top-coat, and a cap with a large peak shoved over his
eyes, and he seemed very unsteady on his pins. `` `Drunk, by George!' I said to
myself at first.
``The doctor--another
young-looking man--hopped out after him, and they each took an arm, lugged
their patient into the waiting-room, and popped him into an arm chair. There he
collapsed, and sat with his head hanging down as limp as a sucked orange.
``I asked them if
anything was the matter with him.
`` `Only tired,--just a
little sleepy,' said the cousin.
``And do you know,
Escott, what I'd stake my best boots was the matter with him?''
``What?''
``The man was
drugged!''
Escott looked at the fire
thoughtfully.
``Well,'' he said,
``it's quite possible; he might have been too violent to manage.''
``Why couldn't they
have said so, then?''
``H'm. Not knowing,
can't say. What happened next?''
``Next thing was, I
asked the doctor what name I should give. He answered in a kind of nervous way,
`No name; you needn't give any name. I know Dr Congleton personally. Ask him to
come, please.' So off I tooled, and found old Congers just thinking of turning
in.
`` `My clients are
sometimes unnecessarily discreet,' he remarked in his pompous way when I told
him about the arrival, and of course he added his usual platitude about our
reputation for discretion.
``I went back with him
to the waiting-room, and just stood at the door long enough to see him hail the
doctor chap very cordially and be introduced to the patient's cousin, and then
I came away. Rather rum, isn't it?''
``You've certainly made
the best of the yarn,'' said Escott with a laugh.
``By George, if you'd
been there you'd have thought it funny too.''
``Well, good-night, I'm
off. We'll probably hear to- morrow what it's all about.''
But in the morning
there was little more to be learned about the new-comer's history and
antecedents. Dr Congleton spoke of the matter to the two young men, with the
pompous cough that signified extreme discretion.
``Brought by an old
friend of mine,'' he said. ``A curious story, Escott, but quite intelligible.
There seem to be the best reasons for answering no questions about him; you
understand?''
``Certainly, sir,''
said the two assistants, with the more assurance as they had no information to
give.
``I am perfectly
satisfied, mind you--perfectly satisfied,'' added their chief.
``By the way, sir,''
Sherlaw ventured to remark, ``hadn't they given him something in the way of a
sleeping- draught?''
``Eh? Indeed? I hardly
think so, Sherlaw, I hardly think so. Case of reaction entirely. Good
morning.''
``Congleton seems
satisfied,'' remarked Escott.
``I'll tell you what,''
said the junior, profoundly. ``Old Congers is a very good chap, and all that,
but he's not what I should call extra sharp. I should feel uncommon
suspicious.''
``H'm,'' replied
Escott. ``As you say, our worthy chief is not extra sharp. But that's not our
business, after all.''
``By the way,'' said
Escott, a couple of days later, ``how is your mysterious man getting on? I
haven't seen him myself yet.''
Sherlaw laughed.
``He's turning out a
regular sportsman, by George! For the first day he was more or less in the same
state in which he arrived. Then he began to wake up and ask questions. `What
the devil is this place?' he said to me in the evening. It may sound profane, but
he was very polite, I assure you. I told him, and he sort of raised his
eyebrows, smiled, and thanked me like a Prime Minister acknowledging an
obligation. Since then he has steadily developed sporting, not to say frisky,
tastes. He went out this morning, and in five minutes had his arm round one of
the prettiest nurses' waist. And she didn't seem to mind much either, by
George!''
``He'll want a bit of
looking after, I take it.''
``Seems to me he is
uncommonly capable of taking care of himself. The rest of the establishment
will want looking after, though.''
From this time forth
the mysterious gentleman began to regularly take the air and to be remarked,
and having once remarked him, people looked again.
Mr Francis Beveridge,
for such it appeared was his name, was distinguished even for Clankwood. Though
his antecedents were involved in mystery, so much con fidence was placed in Dr
Congleton's discrimination that the unknown stranger was at once received on
the most friendly terms by every one; and, to tell the truth, it would have
been hard to repulse him for long. His manner was perfect, his conversation
witty to the extremest verge of propriety, and his clothes, fashionable in cut
and of unquestionable fit, bore on such of the buttons as were made of metal
the hall mark of a leading London firm. He wore the longest and most silky
moustaches ever seen, and beneath them a short well- tended beard completed his
resemblance--so the ladies declared--to King Charles of unhappy memory. The
melancholic Mr Jones (quondam author of `Sunflowers --A Lyrical Medley')
declared, indeed, that for Mr Beveridge shaving was prohibited, and darkly
whispered ``suicidal,'' but his opinion was held of little account.
It was upon a morning
about a week after his arrival that Dr Escott, alone in the billiard-room, saw
him enter. Escott had by this time made his acquaintance, and, like almost
everybody else, had already succumbed to the fascination of his address.
``Good morning,
doctor,'' he said; ``I wish you to do me a trifling favour, a mere bending of
your eyes.''
Escott laughed.
``I shall be delighted.
What is it?''
Mr Beveridge unbuttoned
his waistcoat and displayed his shirt-front.
``I only want you to be
good enough to read the inscription written here.''
The doctor bent down.
`` `Francis Beveridge,'
'' he said. ``That's all I see.''
``And that's all I
see,'' said Mr Beveridge. ``Now what can you read here? I am not troubling
you?''
He held out his
handkerchief as he spoke.
``Not a bit,'' laughed
the doctor, ``but I only see `Francis Beveridge' here too, I'm afraid.''
``Everything has got
it,'' said Mr Beveridge, shaking his head, it would be hard to say whether
humorously or sadly. `` `Francis Beveridge' on everything. It follows, I
suppose, that I am Francis Beveridge?''
``What else?'' asked
Escott, who was much amused.
``That's just it. What
else?'' said the other. He smiled a peculiarly charming smile, thanked the
doctor with exaggerated gratitude, and strolled out again.
``He is a rum chap,''
reflected Escott.
And indeed in the
outside world he might safely have been termed rather rum, but here in this
backwater, so full of the oddest flotsam, his waywardness was rather less than
the average. He had, for instance, a diverting habit of modifying the time, and
even the tune, of the hymns on Sunday, and he confessed to having kissed all
the nurses and housemaids except three. But both Escott and Sherlaw declared
they had never met a more congenial spirit. Mr Beveridge's game of billiards
was quite remarkable even for Clankwood, where the enforced leisure of many of
the noblemen and gentlemen had made them highly proficient on the spot; he
showed every promise, on his rare opportunities, of being an unusually
entertaining small hour, whisky-and-soda raconteur; in fact, he was evidently a
man whose previous career, whatever it might have been (and his own statements
merely served to increase the mystery round this point), had led him through
many humorous by-paths, and left him with few restrictive prejudices.
November became
December, and to all appearances he had settled down in his new residence with
complete resignation, when that unknowable factor that upsets so many
calculations came upon the scene,--the factor, I mean, that wears a petticoat.
Mr Beveridge strolled
into Escott's room one morning to find the doctor inspecting a mixed assortment
of white kid gloves.
``Do these mean past or
future conquests?'' he asked with his smile.
``Both,'' laughed the
doctor. ``I'm trying to pick out a clean pair for the dance to-night.''
``You go a-dancing,
then?''
``Don't you know it's
our own monthly ball here?''
``Of course,'' said Mr
Beveridge, passing his hand quickly across his brow. ``I must have heard, but
things pass so quickly through my head nowadays.''
He laughed a little
conventional laugh, and gazed at the gloves.
``You are coming, of
course?'' said Escott.
``If you can lend me a
pair of these. Can you spare one?''
``Help yourself,''
replied the doctor.
Mr Beveridge selected a
pair with the care of a man who is particular in such matters, put them in his
pocket, thanked the doctor, and went out.
``Hope he doesn't play
the fool,'' thought Escott.
Invitations to the
balls at Clankwood were naturally in great demand throughout the county, for
nowhere were noblemen so numerous and divinities so tangible. Carriages and
pairs rolled up one after another, the mansion glittered with lights, the
strains of the band could be heard loud and stirring or low and faintly all
through the house.
``Who is that man
dancing opposite my daughter?'' asked the Countess of Grillyer.
``A Mr Beveridge,''
replied Dr Congleton.
Mr Beveridge, in fact,
the mark of all eyes, was dancing in a set of lancers. The couple opposite to
him consisted of a stout elderly gentleman who, doubtless for the best reasons
styled himself the Emperor of the two Americas, and a charming little pink and
flaxen partner--the Lady Alicia à Fyre, as everybody who was, anybody could
have told you. The handsome stranger moved, as might be expected, with his
accustomed grace and air of distinction, and, probably to convince his admirers
that there was nothing meretricious in his performance, he carried his hands in
his pockets the whole time. This certainly caused a little inconvenience to his
partner, but to be characteristic in Clankwood one had to step very far out of
the beaten track.
For two figures the
Emperor snorted disapproval, but at the end of the third, when Mr Beveridge had
been skipping round the outskirts of the set, his hands still thrust out of
sight, somewhat to the derangement of the customary procedure, he could contain
himself no longer.
Hey, young man!'' he
asked in his most stentorian voice, as the music ceased, ``are you afraid of
having your pockets picked?''
``Alas!'' replied Mr
Beveridge, ``it would take two men to do that.''
``Huh!'' snorted the
Emperor, ``you are so d--d strong, are you?''
``I mean,'' answered
his vis-à-vis with his polite smile, ``that it would take one man to put
something in and another to take it out.''
This remark not only
turned the laugh entirely on Mr Beveridge's side, but it introduced the
upsetting factor.
The Lady Alicia à Fyre,
though of the outer everyday world herself, had, in common with most families
of any pretensions to ancient dignity, a creditable sprinkling of uncles and
cousins domiciled in Clankwood, and so she frequently attended these dances.
To-night her eye had
been caught by a tall, graceful figure executing a pas seul in the middle of
the room with its hands in its pockets. The face of this gentleman was so
composed and handsome, and he seemed so oblivious to the presence of everybody
else, that her interest was immediately excited. During the set of lancers in
which he was her vis-à-vis she watched him furtively with a growing feeling of
admiration. She had never heard him say a word, and it was with a sensation of
the liveliest interest that she listened to his brief passage with her partner.
At his final retort her tender heart was overcome with pity. He was poor, then,
or at least he was allowed the use of no money. And all of him that was outside
his pockets seemed so sane and so gentlemanly; it seemed a pity to let him lack
a little sympathy.
The Lady Alicia might
be described as a becoming frock stuffed with sentiment. Through a pair of
large blue eyes she drank in romance, and with the reddest and most undecided
of lips she felt a vague desire to kiss something. At the end of the dance she
managed by a series of little manœuvres to find herself standing close to his
elbow. She sighed twice, but he still seemed absorbed in his thoughts. Then
with a heroic effort she summed up her courage, and said in a low and rather
shaky voice, ``You--you--you are unha--appy.''
Mr Beveridge turned and
looked down on her with great interest. Her eyes met his for a moment and
straightway sought the floor. Thus she saw nothing of a smile that came and
went like the shadow of a puff of smoke. He took his hands out of his pockets,
folded his arms, and, with an air of the deepest dejection, sighed heavily. She
took courage and looked up again, and then, as he only gazed into space in the
most romantically melancholy fashion and made no answer, she asked again very
timidly, ``Wh--what is the matter?''
Without saying a word
Mr Beveridge bent courteously and offered her his right arm. She took it with
the most delicious trepidation, glancing round hurriedly to see whether the
Countess noticed her. Another dance was just beginning, and in the general
movement her mysterious acquaintance led her without observation to a seat in
the window of a corridor. There he pressed her hand gently, stroked his long
moustaches for a minute, and then said, with an air of reflection: ``There are
three ways of making a woman like one. I am slightly out of practice. Would you
be kind enough to suggest a method of procedure?''
Such a beginning was so
wholly unexpected that Lady Alicia could only give a little gasp of
consternation. Her companion, after pausing an instant for a reply, went on in
the same tone, ``I am aware that I have begun well. I attracted your attention,
I elicited your sympathy, and I pressed your hand; but for the life of me I
can't remember what I generally do next.''
Poor Lady Alicia, who
had come with a bucketful of sympathy ready to be gulped down by this
unfortunate gentleman, was only able to stammer, ``I--I really don't know,
Mr----''
``Hamilton,'' said Mr
Beveridge, unblushingly. ``At least that name belongs to me as much as anything
can be said to in a world where my creditors claim my money and Dr Congleton my
person.''
``You are confined and
poor, you mean?'' asked Lady Alicia, beginning to see her way again.
``Poor and confined, to
put them in their proper order, for if I had the wherewithal to purchase a
balloon I should certainly cease to be confined.''
His admirer found it
hard to reply adequately to this, and Mr Beveridge continued, ``To return to
the delicate subject from which we strayed, what would you like me to do,--put
my arm round your waist, relate my troubles, or turn my back on you?''
``Are--are those the
three ways you spoke of--to make women like you, I mean?'' Lady Alicia ventured
to ask, though she was beginning to wish the sofa was larger.
``They are examples of
the three classical methods: cuddling, humbugging, and piquing. Which do you
prefer?''
``Tell me about
your--your troubles,'' she answered, gaining courage a little.
``You belong to the sex
which makes no mention of figs and spades,'' he rejoined; ``but I understand
you to mean that you prefer humbugging.''
He drew a long face,
sighed twice, and looking tenderly into Lady Alicia's blue eyes, began in a
gentle, reminiscent voice, ``My boyhood was troubled and unhappy: no kind
words, no caresses. I was beaten by a cruel stepfather, ignored and insulted
for my physical deformities by a heartless stepmother.''
He stopped to sigh
again, and Lady Alicia, with a boldness that surprised herself, and a
perspicacity that would have surprised her friends, asked, ``How could they-- I
mean, were they both step?''
``Several steps,'' he
replied; ``in fact, quite a long journey.''
With this explanation
Lady Alicia was forced to remain satisfied; but as he had paused a second time,
and seemed to be immersed in the study of his shoes, she inquired again, ``You
spoke of physical infirmities; do you mean----?''
``Deformities,'' he
corrected; ``up to the age of fourteen years I could only walk sideways, and my
hair parted in the middle.''
He spoke so seriously
that these unusual maladies seemed to her the most touching misfortunes she had
ever heard of. She murmured gently, ``Yes?''
``As the years
advanced,'' Mr Beveridge continued, ``and I became more nearly the same weight
as my step- father, my life grew happier. It was decided to send me to college,
so I was provided with an insufficient cheque, a complete set of plated forks,
and three bath-towels, and despatched to the University of Oxford. At least I
think that was the name of the corporation which took my money and endeavoured
to restrict my habits, though, to confess the truth, my memory is not what it
used to be. There I learned wisdom by the practice of folly--the most amusing
and effective method. My tutor used to tell me I had some originality. I
apologised for its presence in such a respectable institution, and undertook to
pass an examination instead. I believe I succeeded: I certainly remember giving
a dinner to celebrate something. Thereupon at my own expense the University
inflicted a degree upon me, but I was shortly afterwards compensated by the
death of my uncle and my accession to his estates. Having enjoyed a university
education, and accordingly possessing a corrected and regulated sentiment, I
was naturally inconsolable at the decease of this venerable relative, who for
so long had shown a kindly interest in the poor orphan lad.''
He stopped to sigh
again, and Lady Alicia asked with great interest, ``But your step-parents, you
always had them, hadn't you?''
``Never!'' he replied,
sadly.
``Never?'' she
exclaimed in some bewilderment.
``Certainly not
often,'' he answered, ``and oftener than not, never. If you had told me
beforehand you wished to hear my history, I should have pruned my family tree
into a more presentable shape. But if you will kindly tell me as I go along
which of my relatives you disapprove of, and who you would like to be
introduced, I shall arrange the plot to suit you.''
``I only wish to hear
the true story, Mr Hamilton.''
``Fortescue,'' he
corrected. ``I certainly prefer to be called by one name at a time, but never
by the same twice running.''
He smiled so agreeably
as he said this that Lady Alicia, though puzzled and a little hurt, could not
refrain from smiling back.
``Let me hear the
rest,'' she said.
``It is no truer than
the first part, but quite as entertaining. So, if you like, I shall endeavour
to recall the series of painful episodes that brought me to Clankwood,'' he
answered, very seriously.
Lady Alicia settled
herself comfortably into one corner of the sofa and prepared to feel affected.
But at that moment the portly form of Dr Congleton appeared from the direction
of the ballroom with a still more portly dowager on his arm.
``My mother!''
exclaimed Lady Alicia, rising quickly to her feet.
``Indeed?'' said Mr
Beveridge, who still kept his seat. ``She certainly looks handsome enough.''
This speech made Lady
Alicia blush very becomingly, and the Countess looked at her sharply.
``Where have you been,
Alicia?''
``The room was rather
warm, mamma, and----''
``In short, madam,''
interrupted Mr Beveridge, rising and bowing, ``your charming daughter wished to
study a lunatic at close quarters. I am mad, and I obligingly raved. Thus----''
He ran one hand through his hair so as to make it fall over his eyes, blew out
his cheeks, and uttering a yell, sprang high into the air, and descended in a
sitting posture on the floor.
``That, madam, is a
very common symptom,'' he explained, with a smile, smoothing down his hair
again, ``as our friend Dr Congleton will tell you.''
Both the doctor and the
Countess were too astonished to make any reply, so he turned again to Lady
Alicia, and offering his arm, said, ``Let me lead you back to our
fellow-fools.''
``Is he safe?''
whispered the Countess.
``I--I believe so,''
replied Dr Congleton in some confusion; ``but I shall have him watched more
carefully.''
As they entered the
room Mr Beveridge whispered, ``Will you meet a poor lunatic again?'' And the
Lady Alicia pressed his arm.
On the morning after
the dance Dr Congleton summoned Dr Escott to his room.
``Escott,'' he began,
``we must keep a little sharper eye on Mr Beveridge.''
``Indeed, sir?'' said
Escott; ``he seems to me harmless enough.''
``Nevertheless, he must
be watched. Lady Grillyer was considerably alarmed by his conduct last night,
and a client who has confided so many of her relatives to my care must be
treated with the greatest regard. I receive pheasants at Christmas from no
fewer than fourteen families of title, and my reputation for discretion is too
valuable to be risked. When Mr Beveridge is not under your own eyes you must
see that Moggridge always keeps him in sight.''
Accordingly Moggridge,
a burly and seasoned attendant on refractory patients, was told off to keep an
unobtrusive eye on that accomplished gentleman. His duties appeared light
enough, for, as I have said, Mr Beveridge's eccentricities had hitherto been
merely of the most playful nature.
After luncheon on this
same day he gave Escott twelve breaks and a beating at billiards, and then
having borrowed and approved of one of his cigars, he strolled into the park.
If he intended to escape observation, he certainly showed the most skilful
strategy, for he dodged deviously through the largest trees, and at last, after
a roundabout ramble, struck a sheltered walk that ran underneath the high,
glass-decked outer wall. It was a sunny winter afternoon. The boughs were
stripped, and the leaves lay littered on the walk or flickered and stirred
through the grass. In this spot the high trees stood so close and the bare
branches were so thick that there was still an air of quiet and seclusion where
he paced and smoked. Every now and then he stopped and listened and looked at
his watch, and as he walked backwards and forwards an amused smile would come
and go.
All at once he heard
something move on the far side of the wall: he paused to make sure, and then he
whistled, The sounds outside ceased, and in a moment something fell softly
behind him. He turned quickly and snatched up a little buttonhole of flowers
with a still smaller note tied to the stems.
``An uncommonly happy
idea,'' he said to himself, looking at the missive with the air of one versed
in these matters. Then he leisurely proceeded to unfold and read the note.
``To my friend,'' he
read, ``if I may call you a friend, since I have known you only such a short
time--may I? This is just to express my sympathy, and although I cannot express
it well, still perhaps you will forgive my feeble effort!!''
At this point, just as
he was regarding the double mark of exclamation with reminiscent entertainment,
a plaintive voice from the other side of the wall cried in a stage whisper,
``Have you got it?''
Mr Beveridge composed
his face, and heaving his shoulders to his ears in the effort, gave vent to a
prodigious sigh.
``A mullion thanks, my
fairest and kindest of friends,'' he answered in the same tone. ``I read it
now: I drink it in, I----''
He kissed the back of
his hand loudly two or three times, sighed again, and continued his reading.
``I wish I could help
you,'' it ran, ``but I am afraid I cannot, as the world is so censorious, is it
not? So you must accept a friend's sympathy if it does not seem to you too bold
and forward of her!!! Perhaps we may meet again, as I sometimes go to
Clankwood. Au revoir.--Your sympathetic well-wisher. A. À. F.''
He folded it up and put
it in his waistcoat-pocket, then he exclaimed in an audible aside, his voice
shaking with the most affecting thrill, ``Perhaps we may meet again! Only
perhaps! O Alicia!'' And then drop- ping again into a stage whisper, he asked,
``Are you still there, Lady Alicia?''
A timorous voice
replied, ``Yes, Mr Fortescue. But I really must go now!''
``Now? So soon?''
``I have stayed too
long already.''
`` 'Tis better to have
stayed too long than never to wear stays at all,'' replied Mr Beveridge.
There was no response
for a moment. Then a low voice, a little hurt and a good deal puzzled, asked
with evident hesitation, ``What--what did you say, Mr Fortescue?''
``I said that Lady
Alicia's stay cannot be too long,'' he answered, softly.
``But--but what good
can I be?''
``The good you cannot
help being.''
There was another
moment's pause, then the voice whispered, ``I don't quite understand you.''
``My Alicia understands
me not!'' Mr Beveridge soliloquised in another audible aside. Aloud, or rather
in a little lower tone, he answered, ``I am friendless, poor, and imprisoned.
What is the good in your staying? Ah, Lady Alicia! But why should I detain you?
Go, fair friend! Go and forget poor Francis Beveridge!''
There came a soft,
surprised answer, ``Francis Beveridge?''
``Alas! you have
guessed my secret. Yes, that is the name of the unhappiest of mortals.''
As he spoke these
melancholy words he threw away the stump of his cigar, took another from his
case, and bit off the end.
The voice replied, ``I
shall remember it--among my friends.''
Mr Beveridge struck a
match.
``H'sh! Whatever is
that?'' cried the voice in alarm.
``A heart breaking,''
he replied, lighting his cigar.
``Don't talk like
that,'' said the voice. ``It--it distresses me.'' There was a break in the
voice.
``And, alas! between
distress and consolation there are fifteen perpendicular feet of stone and
mortar and the relics of twelve hundred bottles of Bass,'' he replied.
``Perhaps,''--the voice
hesitated--``perhaps we may see each other some day.''
``Say to-morrow at four
o'clock,'' he suggested, pertinently. ``If you could manage to be passing up
the drive at that hour.''
There was another
pause.
``Perhaps'' the voice
began.
At that moment he heard
the sharp crack of a branch behind him, and turning instantly he spied the
uncompromising countenance of Moggridge peering round a tree about twenty paces
distant. Lack of presence of mind and quick decision were not amongst Mr
Beveridge's failings. He struck a theatrical attitude at once, and began in a
loud voice, gazing up at the tops of the trees, ``He comes! A stranger comes!
Yes, my fair friend, we may meet again. Au revoir, but only for a while! Ah,
that a breaking heart should be lit for a moment and then the lamp be put
out!''
Meanwhile Moggridge was
walking towards him.
``Ha, Moggridge!'' he
cried. ``Good day.''
``Time you was goin'
in, sir,'' said Moggridge, stolidly; and to himself he muttered, ``He's
crackeder than I thought, a-shoutin' and a-ravin' to hisself. Just as well I
kept a heye on 'im.''
Like most clever
people, Mr Beveridge generally followed the line of least resistance. He
slipped his arm through his attendant's, shouted a farewell apparently to some
imaginary divinity overhead, and turned towards the house.
``This is an unexpected
pleasure,'' he remarked.
``Yes, sir,'' replied
Moggridge.
``Funny thing your
turning up. Out for a walk, I suppose?''
``For a stroll,
sir--that's to say----'' he stopped.
``That on these chilly
afternoons the dear good doctor is afraid of my health?''
``That's kind o' it,
sir.''
``But of course I'm not
supposed to notice anything, eh?''
Moggridge looked a
trifle uncomfortable and was discreetly silent. Mr Beveridge smiled at his own
perspicacity, and then began in the most friendly tone, ``Well, I feel
flattered that so stout a man has been told off to take care of me. What an arm
you've got, man.''
``Pretty fair, sir,''
said Moggridge, complacently.
``And I am thankful,
too,'' continued Mr Beveridge, ``that you're a man of some sense. There are a
lot of fools in the world, Moggridge, and I'm somewhat of an epicure in the
matter of heads.''
``Mine 'as been
considered pretty sharp,'' Moggridge admitted, with a gratified relaxation of
his wooden countenance.
``Have a cigar?'' his
patient asked, taking out his case.
``Thank you, sir, I
don't mind if I do.''
``You will find it a
capital smoke. I don't throw them away on every one.''
Moggridge, completely
thawed, lit his cigar and slackened his pace, for such frank appreciation of
his merits was rare in a critical world.
``You can perhaps
believe, Moggridge,'' said Mr Beveridge, reflectively, ``that one doesn't often
have the chance of talking confidentially to a man of sense in Clankwood.''
``No, sir, I should
himagine not.''
``And so one has
sometimes to talk to oneself.''
This was said so sadly
that Moggridge began to feel uncomfortably affected.
``Ah, Moggridge, one
cannot always keep silence, even when one least wants to be overheard. Have you
ever been in love, Moggridge?''
The burly keeper
changed countenance a little at this embarrassingly direct question, and
answered diffidently, ``Well, sir, to be sure men is men and woming will be
woming.''
``The deuce, they
will!'' replied Mr Beveridge, cordially; ``and it's rather hard to forget 'em,
eh?''
``Hindeed it is, sir.''
``I remembered this
afternoon, but I should like you as a good chap to forget. You won't mention my
moment of weakness, Moggridge?''
``No, sir,'' said
Moggridge, stoutly. ``I suppose I hought to report what I sees, but I won't
this time.''
``Thank you,'' said Mr
Beveridge, pressing his arm. ``I had, you know, a touch of the sun in India,
and I sometimes talk when I shouldn't. Though, after all, that isn't a very
uncommon complaint.''
And so it happened that
no rumour prejudicial either to his sanity or to the progress of his friendship
with the Lady Alicia reached the ears of the authorities.
Towards four o'clock on
the following afternoon Mr Beveridge and Moggridge were walking leisurely down
the long drive leading from the mansion of Clankwood to the gate that opened on
the humdrum outer world. Finding that an inelastic matter of yards was all the
tether he could hope for, Mr Beveridge thought it best to take the bull by the
horns, and make a companion of this necessity. So he kept his attendant by his
side, and regaled him for some time with a series of improbable reminiscences
and tolerable cigars, till at last, round a bend of the avenue, a lady on
horseback came into view. As she drew a little nearer he stopped with an air of
great surprise and pleasure.
``I believe, Moggridge,
that must be Lady Alicia à Fyre!'' he exclaimed.
``It looks huncommon
like her, sir,'' replied Moggridge.
``I must really speak
to her. She was''--and Mr Beveridge assumed his inimitable air of manly
sentiment-- ``she was one of my poor mother's dearest friends. Do you mind,
Moggridge, falling behind a little? In fact, if you could step behind a tree
and wait here for me, it would be pleasanter for us both. We used to meet under
happier circumstances, and, don't you know, it might distress her to be reminded
of my misfortunes.''
Such a reasonable
request, beseechingly put by so fine a gentleman, could scarcely be refused.
Moggridge retired behind the trees that lined the avenue, and Mr Beveridge
advanced alone to meet the Lady Alicia. She blushed very becomingly as he
raised his hat.
``I hardly expected to
see you to-day, Mr Beveridge,'' she began.
``I, on the other hand,
have been thinking of nothing else,'' he replied.
She blushed still
deeper, but responded a little reprovingly, ``It's very polite of you to say
so, but----''
``Not a bit,'' said he.
``I have a dozen equally well- turned sentences at my disposal, and, they tell
me, a most deluding way of saying them.''
Suddenly out of her
depth again, poor Lady Alicia could only strike out at random.
``Who tell you?'' she
managed to say.
``First, so far as my
poor memory goes, my mother's lady's-maid informed me of the fact; then I think
my sister's governess,'' he replied, ticking off his informants on his fingers
with a half-abstracted air. ``After that came a number of more or less reliable
individuals, and lastly the Lady Alicia à Fyre.''
``Me? I'm sure I never
said----''
``None of them ever
said,'' he interrupted.
``But what have I done,
then?'' she asked, tightening her reins, and making her horse fidget a foot or
two farther away.
``You have begun to be
a most adorable friend to a most unfortunate man.''
Still Lady Alicia
looked at him a little dubiously, and only said, ``I--I hope I'm not too
friendly.''
``There are no degrees
in friendly,'' he replied. ``There are only aloofly, friendly, and more than
friendly.''
``I--I think I ought to
be going on, Mr Beveridge.''
That experienced
diplomatist perceived that it was necessary to further embellish himself.
``Are you fond of
soldiers?'' he asked, abruptly.
``I beg your pardon?''
she said in considerable bewilderment.
``Does a red coat, a
medal, and a brass band appeal to you? Are you apt to be interested in her
Majesty's army?''
``I generally like
soldiers,'' she admitted, still much surprised at the turn the conversation had
taken.
``Then I was a
soldier.''
``But--really?''
``I held a commission
in one of the crackest cavalry regiments,'' he began dramatically, and yet with
a great air of sincerity. ``I was considered one of the most promising officers
in the mess. It nearly broke my heart to leave the service.''
He turned away his
head. Lady Alicia was visibly affected.
``I am so sorry!'' she
murmured.
Still keeping his face
turned away, he held out his hand and she pressed it gently.
``Sorrow cannot give me
my freedom,'' he said.
``If there is anything
I can do----'' she began.
``Dismount,'' he said,
looking up at her tenderly.
``Lady Alicia never
quite knew how it happened, but certainly she found herself standing on the
ground, and the next moment Mr Beveridge was in her place.
``An old soldier,'' he
exclaimed, gaily; ``I can't resist the temptation of having a canter.'' And
with that he started at a gallop towards the gate.
With a blasphemous
ejaculation Moggridge sprang from behind his tree, and set off down the drive
in hot pursuit.
Lady Alicia screamed,
``Stop! stop! Francis--I mean, Mr Beveridge; stop, please!''
But the favorite of the
crack regiment, despite the lady's saddle, sat his steed well, and rapidly left
cries and footsteps far behind. The lodge was nearly half a mile away, and as
the avenue wound between palisades of old trees, the shouts became muffled, and
when he looked over his shoulder he saw in the stretch behind him no sign of
benefactress or pursuer. By continued exhortations and the point of his
penknife he kept his horse at full stretch; round the next bend he knew he
should see the gates.
``Five to one on the
blank things being shut,'' he muttered.
He swept round the
curve, and there ahead of him he saw the gates grimly closed, and at the lodge
door a dismounted groom, standing beside his horse.
Only remarking
``Damn!'' he reined up, turned, and trotted quietly back again. Presently he
met Moggridge, red in the face, muddy as to his trousers, and panting hard.
``Nice little nag this,
Moggridge,'' he remarked, airily.
``Nice sweat you've
give me,'' rejoined his attendant, wrathfully.
``You don't mean to say
you ran after me?''
``I does mean to say,''
Moggridge replied grimly, seizing the reins.
``Want to lead him?
Very well--it makes us look quite like the Derby winner coming in.''
``Derby loser you
means, thanks to them gates bein' shut.''
``Gates shut? Were
they? I didn't happen to notice.''
``No, o' course not,''
said Moggridge, sarcastically; ``that there sunstroke you got in India prevented
you, I suppose?''
``Have a cigar?''
To this overture
Moggridge made no reply. Mr Beveridge laughed and continued lightly, ``I had no
idea you were so fond of exercise. I'd have given you a lead all round the park
if I'd known.''
``You'd 'ave given me a
lead all round the county if them gates 'ad been open.''
``It might have been
difficult to stop this fiery animal,'' Mr Beveridge admitted. ``But now,
Moggridge, the run is over. I think I can take Lady Alicia's horse back to her
myself.''
Moggridge smiled
grimly.
``You won't let go?''
``No fears.''
Mr Beveridge put his
hand behind his back and silently drove the penknife a quarter of an inch into
his mount's hind quarters. In an instant his keeper felt himself being lifted
nearly off his feet, and in another actually deposited on his face. Off went
the accomplished horseman again at top speed, but this time back to Lady
Alicia. He saw her standing by the side of the drive, her handkerchief to her
eyes, a penitent and disconsolate little figure. When she heard him coming, she
dried her eyes and looked up, but her face was still tearful.
``Well, I am back from
my ride,'' he remarked in a perfectly usual voice, dismounting as he spoke.
``The man!'' she cried,
``where is that dreadful man?''
``What man?'' he asked
in some surprise.
``The man who chased
you.''
Mr Beveridge laughed
aloud, at which Lady Alicia took fresh refuge in her handkerchief.
``He follows on foot,''
he replied.
``Did he catch you? Oh,
why didn't you escape altogether?'' she sobbed.
Mr Beveridge looked at
her with growing interest.
``I had begun to forget
my petticoat psychology,'' he reflected (aloud, after his unconventional
fashion).
``Oh, here he comes,''
she shuddered. ``All blood! Oh, what have you done to him?''
``On my honour,
nothing,--I merely haven't washed his face.''
By this time Moggridge
was coming close upon them.
``You won't forget a
poor soldier?'' said Mr Beveridge in a lower voice.
There was no reply.
``A poor soldier,'' he
added, with a sigh, glancing at her from the corner of his eye. ``So poor that
even if I had got out, I could only have ridden till I dropped.''
``Would you
accept----?'' she began, timidly.
``What day?'' he
interrupted, hurriedly.
``Tuesday,'' she
hesitated.
``Four o'clock, again.
Same place as before. When I whistle throw it over at once.''
Before they had time to
say more, Moggridge, blood- and gravel-stained, came up.
``It's all right,
miss,'' he said, coming between them; ``I'll see that he plays no more of 'is
tricks. There's nothin' to be afrightened of.''
``Stand back!'' she
cried; ``don't come near me!''
Moggridge was too
staggered at this outburst to say a word.
``Stand away!'' she
said, and the bewildered attendant stood away. She turned to Mr Beveridge.
``Now, will you help me
up?''
She mounted lightly,
said a brief farewell, and, forgetting all about the call at Clankwood she had
ostensibly come to pay, turned her horse's head towards the lodge.
``Well, I'm blowed!''
said Moggridge.
``They do blow one,''
his patient assented.
Naturally enough the
story of this equestrian adventure soon ran through Clankwood. The exact
particulars, however, were a little hard to collect, for while Moggridge
supplied many minute and picturesque details, illustrating his own activity and
presence of mind and the imminent peril of the Lady Alicia, Mr Beveridge
recounted an equally vivid story of a runaway horse recovered by himself to its
fair owner's unbounded gratitude. Official opinion naturally accepted the
official account, and for the next few days Mr Beveridge became an object of
considerable anxiety and mistrust.
``I can't make the man
out,'' said Sherlaw to Escott. ``I had begun to think there was nothing much
the matter with him.''
``No more there is,''
replied Escott. ``His memory seems to me to have suffered from something, and
he simply supplies its place in conversation from his imagination, and in
action from the inspiration of the moment. The methods of society are too
orthodox for such an aberration, and as his friends doubtless pay a handsome
fee to keep him here, old Congers labels him mad and locks the door on him.''
A day or two afterwards
official opinion was a little disturbed. Lady Alicia, in reply to anxious
inquiries, gave a third version of the adventure, from which nothing in
particular could be gathered except that nothing in particular had happened.
``What do you make of
this, Escott?'' asked Dr Congleton, laying her note before his assistant.
``Merely that a woman
wrote it.''
``Hum! I suppose that
is the explanation.''
Upon which the doctor
looked profound and went to lunch.
``Two five-pound notes,
half-a-sovereign, and seven and sixpence in silver,'' said Mr Beveridge to
himself. ``Ah, and a card.''
On the card was
written, ``From a friend, if you will accept it. A.''
He was standing under
the wall, in the secluded walk, holding a little lady's purse in his hand, and
listening to two different footsteps. One little pair of feet were hurrying
away on the farther side of the high wall, another and larger were approaching
him at a run.
``Wot's he bin up to
now, I wonder,'' Moggridge panted to himself--for the second pair of feet
belonged to him. ``Shamming nose-bleed and sending me in for an 'andkerchief,
and then sneaking off here by 'isself!''
``What a time you've
been,'' said Mr Beveridge, slipping the purse with its contents into his
pocket. ``I was so infernally cold I had to take a little walk. Got the
handkerchief?''
In silence and with a
suspicious solemnity Moggridge handed him the handkerchief, and they turned
back for the house.
``Now for a balloon,''
Mr Beveridge reflected.
Certainly it was cold.
The frost nipped sharp that night, and next morning there were ice gardens on
the windows, and the park lay white all through the winter sunshine.
By evening the private
lake was reported to be bearing, and the next day it hummed under the first
skaters. Hardly necessary to say Mr Beveridge was among the earliest of them,
or that he was at once the object of general admiration and envy. He traced
``vines'' and ``Q's,'' and performed wonderful feats on one leg all morning. At
lunch he was in the best of spirits, and was off again at once to the ice.
When he reached the
lake in the afternoon the first person he spied was Lady Alicia, and five
minutes afterwards they were sailing off together hand in hand.
``I knew you would come
to-day,'' he remarked.
``How could you have
known? It was by the merest chance I happened to come.''
``It has always been by
the merest chance that any of them have ever come.''
``Who have ever come?''
she inquired, with a vague feeling that he had said something he ought not to
have, and that she was doing the same.
``Many things,'' he
smiled, ``including purses. Which reminds me that I am eternally your debtor.''
She blushed and said,
``I hope you didn't mind.''
``Not much,'' he
answered, candidly. ``In my present circumstances a five-pound note is more
acceptable than a caress.''
The Lady, Alicia again
remembered the maidenly proprieties, and tried to change the subject.
``What beautiful ice!''
she said.
``The question now
is,'' he continued, paying no heed to this diversion, ``what am I to do next?''
``What do you mean?''
she asked a little faintly, realising dimly that she was being regarded as a
fellow- conspirator in some unlawful project.
``The wall is high,
there is bottle-glass on the top, and I shall find it hard to bring away a
fresh pair of trousers, and probably draughty if I don't. The gates are always
kept closed, and it isn't worth any one's while to open them for £10, 17s. 6d.,
less the price of a first-class ticket up to town. What are we to do?''
``We?'' she gasped.
``You and I,'' he
explained.
``But--but I can't
possibly do anything.''
``'Can't possibly' is a
phrase I have learned to misunderstand.''
``Really, Mr Beveridge,
I mustn't do anything.''
``Mustn't is an
invariable preface to a sin. Never use it; it's a temptation in itself.''
``It wouldn't be
right,'' she said, with quite a show of firmness.
He looked at her a
little curiously. For a moment he almost seemed puzzled. Then he pressed her
hand and asked tenderly, ``Why not?''
And in a half-audible
aside he added, ``That's the correct move, I think.''
``What did you say?''
she asked.
``I said, `Why not?' ''
he answered, with increasing tenderness.
``But you said
something else.''
``I added a brief
prayer for pity.''
Lady Alicia sighed and
repeated a little less firmly. ``It wouldn't be right of me, Mr Beveridge.''
``But what would be wrong?''
This was said with even
more fervour.
``My conscience--we are
very particular, you know.''
``Who are `we'?''
``Papa is very strict
High Church.''
An idea seemed to
strike Mr Beveridge, for he ruminated in silence.
``I asked Mr Candles--our
curate, you know,'' Lady Alicia continued, with a heroic effort to make her
position clear.
``You told him!'' he
exclaimed.
``Oh, I didn't say who
it was--I mean what it was I thought of doing--I mean the temptation--that is,
the possibility. And he said it was very kind of me to think of it; but I
mustn't do anything, and he advised me to read a book he gave me, and--and I
mustn't think of it, really, Mr Beveridge.''
To himself Mr Beveridge
repeated under his breath, ``Archbishops, bishops, deacons, curates, fast in
Lent, and an anthem after the Creed. I think I remember enough to pass.''
Then he assumed a very
serious face, and said aloud, ``Your scruples do your heart credit. They have
given me an insight into your deep and sweet character, which emboldens me to
make a confession.''
He stopped skating,
folded his arms, and continued unblushingly, ``I was educated for the Church,
but the prejudices of my parents, the immature scepticism of youth, and some
uncertainty about obtaining my archbishopric, induced me in an unfortunate
moment, which I never ceased to bitterly regret, to quit my orders.''
``You are in orders?''
she exclaimed.
``I was in several. I
cancelled them, and entered the Navy instead.''
``The Navy?'' she
asked, excusably bewildered by these rapid changes of occupation.
``For five years I was
never ashore.''
``But,'' she
hesitated--``but you said you were in the Army.''
Mr Beveridge gave her a
look full of benignant compassion that made her, she did not quite know why,
feel terribly abashed.
``My regiment was
quartered at sea,'' he condescended to explain. ``But in time my conscience
awoke. I announced my intention of resuming my charge. My uncle was furious. My
enemies were many. I was seized, thrown into this prison-house, and now my only
friend fails me.''
They were both silent.
She ventured once to glance up at his face, and it seemed to her that his eyes
were moist--though perhaps it was that her own were a little dim.
``Let us skate on,'' he
said abruptly, with a fine air of resignation.
``By the way,'' he
suddenly added, ``I was extremely High Church, in fact almost freezingly
high.''
For five minutes they
skated in silence, then Lady Alicia began softly, ``Supposing you--you went
away----''
``What is the use of
talking of it?'' he exclaimed, melodramatically. ``Let me forget my short-lived
hopes!''
``You have a friend,''
she said, slowly.
``A friend who
tantalises me by `supposings'!''
``But supposing you did,
Mr Beveridge, would you go back to your--did you say you had a parish?''
``I had: a large,
populous, and happy parish. It is my one dream to sit once more on its council
and direct my curate.''
``Of course that makes
a difference. Mr Candles didn't know all this.''
They had come by this
time to the corner of a little island that lay not far from the shore; in the
channel ahead a board labelled ``Danger'' marked a hidden spring; behind them
the shining ice was almost bare of skaters, for all but Dr Escott seemed to be
leaving; on the bank they could see Moggridge prowling about in the gathering
dusk, a vigilant reminder of captivity. Mr Beveridge took the whole scene in
with, it is to be feared, a militant rather than an episcopal eye. Then he suddenly
asked, ``Are you alone?''
``Yes.''
``You drive back?''
``Ye-es.''
He took out his watch
and made a brief calculation.
``Go now, call at
Clankwood or do anything else you like, and pass down the drive again at a
quarter to five.''
This sudden pinning of
her irresolution almost took Lady Alicia's breath away.
``But I never
said----'' she began.
``My dear friend,'' he
interrupted, ``in the hour of action only a fool ever says. Come on.''
And while she still
hesitated they were off again.
``But----'' she tried
to expostulate.
``My dearest friend,''
he whispered, ``and my dear old vicarage!''
He gave her no time to
protest. Her skates were off, she was on her way to her carriage, and he was
striking out again for the middle of the lake before she had time to collect
her wits.
He took out his watch
and looked at the time. It was nearly a quarter-past four. Then he came up to
Escott, who by this time was the only other soul on the ice.
``About time we were
going in,'' said Escott.
``Give me half-an-hour
more. I'll show you how to do that vine you admired.''
``All right,'' assented
the doctor.
A minute or two later
Mr Beveridge, as if struck by a sudden reflection, exclaimed, ``By Jove,
there's that poor devil Moggridge freezing to death on shore. Can't you manage
to look after so dangerous a lunatic yourself? It is his tea-time, too.''
``Hallo, so he is,''
replied Escott; ``I'll send him up.''
And so there were only
left the two men on the ice.
For a little the lesson
went on, and presently, leaving the doctor to practise, Mr Beveridge skated
away by himself. He first paused opposite a seat on the bank over which hung Dr
Escott's great fur coat. This spectacle appeared to afford him peculiar pleasure.
Then he looked at his watch. It was half-past four. He shut the watch with a
click, threw a glance at his pupil, and struck out for the island. If the
doctor had been looking, he might have seen him round it in the gloaming.
Dr Escott, leaning far on
his outside edge, met him as he returned.
``What's that under
your coat?'' he asked.
``A picture I intend to
ask your opinion on presently,'' replied Mr Beveridge; and he added, with his
most charming air, ``But now, before we go in, let me give you a ride on one of
these chairs, doctor.''
They started off, the
pace growing faster and faster, and presently Dr Escott saw that they were
going behind the island.
``Look out for the
spring!'' he cried.
``It must be bearing
now,'' replied Mr Beveridge, striking out harder than ever; ``they have taken
away the board.''
``All right,'' said the
doctor, ``on you go.''
As he spoke he felt a
violent push, and the chair, slewing round as it went, flew on its course
unguided. Mr Beveridge's skates rasped on the ice with a spray of white powder
as he stopped himself suddenly. Ahead of him there was a rending crack, and Dr
Escott and his chair disappeared. Mr Beveridge laughed cheerfully, and taking
from under his coat a board with the legend ``Danger'' printed in large
characters across its face, he placed it beside the jagged hole.
``Here is the picture,
doctor,'' he said, as a dripping, gasping head came up for the second time. ``I
must ask a thousand pardons for this--shall I say, liberty? But, as you know,
I'm off my head. Good night. Let me recommend a hot drink when you come out.
There are only five feet of water, so you won't drown.'' And with that he
skated rapidly away.
Escott had a glimpse of
him vanishing round the corner of the island, and then the ice broke again, and
down he went. Four, five, six times he made a desperate effort to get out, and
every time the thin ice tore under his hands, and he slipped back again. By the
seventh attempt he had broken his way to the thicker sheet; he got one leg up,
slipped, got it up again, and at last, half numbed and wholly breathless, he
was crawling circumspectly away. When at last he ventured to rise to his feet,
he skated with all the speed he could make to the seat where he had left his
coat. A pair of skates lay there instead, but the coat had vanished. Dr
Escott's philosophical estimate of Mr Beveridge became considerably modified.
``Thank the Lord, he
can't get out of the grounds,'' he said to himself; ``what a dangerous devil he
is! But he'll be sorry for this performance, or I'm mistaken.''
When he arrived at the
house his first inquiries were for his tutor in the art of vine-cutting, and he
was rather surprised to hear that he had not yet returned, for he only imagined
himself the victim of a peculiarly ill-timed practical joke.
Men with lanterns were
sent out to search the park; and still there was no sign of Mr Beveridge.
Inquiries were made at the lodge, but the gatekeeper could swear that only a
single carriage had passed through. Dr Congleton refused at first to believe
that he could possibly have got out.
``Our arrangements are
perfect,--the thing's absurd,'' he said, peremptorily.
``That there man,
sir,'' replied Moggridge, who had been summoned, ``is the slipperiest customer
as ever I seed. 'E's hout, sir, I believe.''
``We might at least try
the stations,'' suggested Escott, who had by this time changed, and indulged in
the hot drink recommended.
The doctor began to be
a little shaken.
``Well, well,'' said
he, ``I'll send a man to each of the three stations within walking distance;
and whether he's out or in, we'll have him by to-morrow morning. I've always
taken care that he had no money in his pockets.''
But what is a doctor's
care against a woman's heart? For many to-morrows Clankwood had to lament the
loss of the gifted Francis Beveridge.
At sixteen minutes to
five Mr Beveridge stood by the side of the Clankwood Avenue, comfortably
wrapped in Dr Escott's fur coat, and smoking with the greatest relish one of Dr
Escott's undeniable cigars.
It was almost dark, the
air bit keen, the dim park with its population of black trees was filled with a
frosty, eager stillness. All round the invisible wall hemmed him in, the ten
pounds, seventeen shillings, and sixpence lay useless in his pocket till that
was past, and his one hope depended on a woman. But Mr Beveridge was an amateur
in the sex, and he smiled complacently as he smoked.
He had waited barely
three minutes when the quick clatter of a pair of horses fell on his ears, and
presently the lights of a carriage and pair, driving swiftly away from
Clankwood, raked the drive on either side. As they rattled up to him he gave a
shout to the coachman to stop, and stepped right in front of the horses. With
something that sounded unlike a blessing, the pair were thrown almost on their
haunches to check them in time. Never stopping to explain, he threw open the
door and sprang in; the coachman, hearing no sound of protest, whipped up
again, and Mr Beveridge found himself rolling through the park of Clankwood in
the Countess of Grillyer's carriage with a very timid little figure by his
side. Even in that moment of triumphant excitement the excellence of his
manners was remarkable: the first thing he said was, ``Do you mind smoking?''
In her confusion of
mind Lady Alicia could only reply ``Oh no,'' and not till some time afterwards
did she remember that the odour of a cigar was clinging and the Countess's nose
unusually sensitive.
After this first remark
he leaned back in silence, gradually filling the carriage with a blue-grey
cloud, and looking out of the windows first on one side and then on the other.
They passed quickly through the lines of trees and the open spaces of frosty
park-land, they drew up at the lodge for a moment, he heard his prison gates
swing open, the harness jingled and the hoofs began to clatter again, a swift
vision of lighted windows and a man looking on them incuriously swept by, and
then they were rolling over a country road between hedgerows and under the free
stars.
It was the Lady Alicia
who spoke first.
``I never thought you
would really come,'' she said.
``I have been waiting
for that remark,'' he replied, with his most irresistible smile; ``now for some
more practical conversation.''
As he did not
immediately begin this conversation himself, her curiosity overcame her, and
she asked, ``How did you manage to get out?''
``As my friend Dr
Escott offered no opposition, I walked away.''
``Did he really let
you?''
``He never even expostulated.''
``Then--then it's all
right?'' she said, with an inexplicable sensation of disappointment.
``Perfectly--so far.''
``But--didn't they
object?''
``Not yet,'' he
replied; ``objections to my movements are generally made after they have been performed.''
Somehow she felt
immensely relieved at this hint of opposition.
``I'm so glad you got
away,'' she whispered, and then repented in a flutter.
``Not more so than I
am,'' he answered, pressing her hand.
``And now,'' he added,
``I should like to know how near Ashditch Junction you propose to take me.''
``Where are you going
to, Mr Beveridge?''
The ``Mr Beveridge''
was thrown in as a corrective to the hand-pressure.
``To London; where
else, my Alicia? With £10, 17s. 6d. in my pocket, I shall be able to eat at
least three good dinners, and, by the third of them, if I haven't fallen on my
feet it will be the first time I have descended so unluckily.''
``But,'' she asked,
considerably disconcerted, ``I thought you were going back to your parish.''
For a moment he too
seemed a trifle put about. Then he replied readily, ``So I am, as soon as I
have purchased the necessary outfit, restocked my ecclesiastical library, and
called on my bishop.''
She felt greatly
relieved at this justification of her share in the adventure.
``Drop me at the
nearest point to the station,'' he said.
``I am afraid,'' she
began--``I mean I think you had better get out soon. The first road on the
right will take you straight there, and we had better not pass it.''
``Then I must bid you
farewell,'' and he sighed most effectively. ``Farewell, my benefactress, my
dear Alicia! Shall I ever see you, shall I ever hear of you again?''
``I might--I might just
write once; if you will answer it: I mean if you would care to hear from such
a----''
She found it difficult
to finish, and prudently stopped.
``Thanks,'' he replied
cheerfully; ``do,--I shall live in hopes. I'd better stop the carriage now.''
He let down the window,
when she said hastily, ``But I don't know your address.''
He reflected for an
instant. ``Care of the Archbishop of York will always find me,'' he replied;
and as if unwilling to let his emotion be observed, he immediately put his head
out of the window and called on the coachman to stop.
``Good-bye,'' he
whispered, tenderly, squeezing her fingers with one hand and opening the door
with the other.
``Don't quite forget
me,'' she whispered back.
``Never!'' he replied,
and was in the act of getting out when he suddenly turned, and exclaimed, ``I
must be more out of practice than I thought; I had almost forgotten the
protested salute.''
And without further
preamble the Lady Alicia found herself kissed at last.
He jumped out and shut
the door, and the carriage with its faint halo clattered into the darkness.
``They are wonderfully
alike,'' he reflected.
About twenty minutes
later he walked leisurely into Ashditch Junction, and having singled out the
station- master, he accosted him with an air of beneficient consideration and
inquired how soon he could catch a train for London.
It appeared that the up
express was not due for nearly three-quarters of an hour.
``A little too long to
wait,'' he said to himself, as he turned up the collar of his purloined fur
coat to keep out the cold, and picked another cigar from its rightful owner's
case.
By way of further
defying the temperature and cementing his acquaintance with the station-master,
he offered to regale that gratified official with such refreshments as the
station bar provided. In the consumption of whis kies- and-sodas (a beverage
difficult to obtain in any quantity at Clankwood) Mr Beveridge showed himself
as accomplished as in every other feat. In thirty-five minutes he had
despatched no fewer than six, besides completely winning the station-master's
heart. As he had little more than five minutes now to wait, he bade a genial
farewell to the lady behind the bar, and started to purchase his ticket.
Hardly had he left the
door of the refreshment-room when he perceived an uncomfortably familiar figure
just arrived, breathless with running, on the opposite platform. The light of a
lamp fell on his shining face: it was Moggridge!
A stout heart might be
forgiven for sinking at the sight, but Mr Beveridge merely turned to his now
firm friends and said with his easiest air, ``On the opposite platform I
perceive one of my runaway lunatics. Bring a couple of stout porters as quickly
as you can, for he is a person of much strength and address. My name,'' he drew
a card-case from the pocket of his fur coat, ``is, as you see, Dr Escott of
Clankwood.''
Meanwhile Moggridge,
after hurriedly investigating the platform he was on, suddenly spied a tall fur-coated
figure on the opposite side. Without a moment's hesitation he sprang on to the
rails, and had just mounted the other side as the station-master and two
porters appeared.
Seeing his allies by
his side Mr Beveridge never said a word, but, throwing off his hat, he lowered
his head, charged his keeper, and picking him up by the knees threw him heavily
on his back. Before he had a chance of recovering himself the other three were
seated on his chest employed in winding a coil of rope round and round his
prostrate form.
Two minutes later
Moggridge was sitting bound hand and foot in the booking office, addressing an
amused audience in a strain of perhaps excusable exasperation, which however
merely served to impress the Ashditch officials with a growing sense of their
address in capturing so dangerous a lunatic. In the middle of this entertaining
scene the London express steamed in, and Mr Beveridge, courteously thanking the
station-master for his assistance, stepped into a first-class carriage.
``I should be much
obliged,'' he said, leaning on the door of his compartment and blowing the
smoke of Dr Escott's last Havannah lightly from his lips, ``if you would be
kind enough to keep that poor fellow in the station till to-morrow. It is
rather too late to send him back now. Good night, and many thanks.''
He pressed a coin into
the station-master's hand, which that disapponted official only discovered on
emptying his pockets at night to be an ordinary sixpence, the guard whistled,
and one by one, smoothly and slowly and then in a bright stream, the station
lamps slipped by. The last of them flitted into the night, and the train swung
and rattled by a mile a minute nearer to London town and farther from the high
stone wall. There was no other stop, and for a long hour the adventurer sat
with his legs luxuriously stretched along the cushions looking out into a
fainter duplicate of his carriage, pierced now and then by the glitter of
brighter points as they whisked by some wayside village, or crossed by the
black shadows of trees. The whole time he smiled contentedly, doubtless at the
prospect of his parish work. All at once he seemed stirred, and, turning in his
seat, laid his face upon the window, and pulled down the blind behind his head,
so that he could see into the night. He had spied the first bright filaments of
London. Quickly they spread into a twinkling network, and then as quickly were
shut out by the first line of suburb houses; through the gaps they grew nearer
and flared cheerfully; the train hooted over an archway, and in the road below
he had a glimpse of shop windows and crowded pavements and moving omnibuses: he
was in the world again, and at the foretaste of all this life he laughed like a
delighted child. Last of all came the spread of shining rails and the red and
yellow lights of many signals, and then the high glass roof and long lamp-lit
platforms of St Euston's Cross.
Unencumbered by luggage
or plans, Mr Francis Beveridge stuck his hands deep in his pockets and strolled
aimlessly enough out of the station into the tideway of the Euston Road. For a
little he stood stock-still on the pavement watching the throng of people and
the perpetual buses and drays and the jingling hansoms picking their way
through it all.
``For a man of brains,''
he moralised, ``even though he be certified as insane, for probably the best of
reasons, this London has surely fools enough to provide him with all he needs
and more than he deserves. I shall set out with my lantern like a second
Diogenes to look for a foolish man.''
And so he strolled
along again to the first opening southwards. That led him through a region of
dingy enough brick by day, but decked now with its string of lamps and bright
shop-windows here and there, and kept alive by passing buses and cabs going and
coming from the station. Farther on the street grew gloomier, and a dark square
with a grove of trees in the middle opened off one side; but, rattle or quiet,
flaring shops or sad- looking lodgings, he found it all too fresh and amusing to
hurry.
``Back to my parish
again,'' he said to himself, smiling broadly at the drollery of the idea. ``If
I'm caught to-morrow, I'll at least have one merry night in my wicked, humorous
old charge.''
He reached Holborn and
turned west in the happiest and most enviable of moods; the very policemen
seemed to cast a friendly eye on him; the frosty air, he thought, made the
lights burn brighter and the crowd move more briskly than ever he had seen
them. Suddenly the sight of a hairdresser's saloon brought an inspiration. He
stroked his beard, twisted his moustaches half regretfully, and then
exclaiming, ``Exit Mr Beveridge,'' turned into the shop.
THE Baron Rudolf von
Blitzenberg sat by himself at a table in the dining-room of the Hôtel
Mayonaise, which, as everybody knows, is the largest and most expensive in
London. He was a young man of a florid and burly Teutonic type and the most
ingenuous countenance. Being possessed of a curious and enterprising
disposition, as well as the most ample means, he had left his ancestral castle
in Bavaria to study for a few months the customs and politics of England. In
the language he was already proficient, and he had promised himself an amusing
as well as an instructive visit. But, although he had only arrived in London
that morning, he was already beginning to feel an uncomfortable apprehension
lest in both respects he should be disappointed. Though his introductions were
the best with which the British Ambassador could supply him, they were only three
or four in number,--for, not wishing to be hampered with too many
acquaintances, he had rather chosen quality than quantity: and now, in the
course of the afternoon, he had found to his chagrin that in every case the
families were out of town. In fact, so far as he could learn, they were not
even at their own country seats. One was abroad, another gone to the seaside to
recover from the mumps, or a third paying a round of visits.
The disappointment was
sharp, he felt utterly at sea as to what he should do, and he was already
beginning to experience the loneliness of a single mortal in a crowded hotel.
As the frosty evening
was setting in and the shops were being lit, he had strolled out into the
streets in the vague hope of meeting some strange foreign adventure, or perhaps
even happily lighting upon some half-forgotten diplomatic acquaintance. But he
found the pavements crowded with a throng who took no notice of him at all, but
seemed every man and most women of them to be pushing steadily, and generally
silently, towards a million mysterious goals. Not that he could tell they were
silent except by their set lips, for the noise of wheels and horses on so many
hundreds of miles of streets, and the cries of busmen and vendors of evening
papers, made such a hubbub that he felt before long in a maze. He lost his way
four times, and was patronisingly set right by beneficent policemen; and at
last, feeling like a man who has fallen off a precipice on to a soft
place--none the worse but quite bewildered--he struggled back to his hotel.
There he spun out his time by watching the people come and go, and at last dressed
with extra deliberation.
About eight o'clock he
sat down to his solitary dinner. The great gilt and panelled room was full of
diners and bustling waiters, but there was not a face the Baron had ever seen
before. He was just finishing a plate of white bait when he observed a stranger
enter the room and stroll in a very self-possessed manner down the middle,
glancing at the tables round him as though he was looking either for a friend
or a desirable seat. This gentleman was tall, fair, and clean-shaved; he was
dressed in a suit of well-fitting tweeds, and his air impressed the Baron as
being natural and yet distinguished. At last his eye fell upon the Baron, who
felt conscious of undergoing a quick, critical scrutiny. The table at which
that nobleman sat was laid for two, and coming apparently to a sudden
resolution, the good-looking stranger seated himself in the vacant chair. In an
agreeable voice and with an unmistakably well-bred air he asked a waiter for
the wine-list, and then, like a man with an excellent appetite, fell to upon
the various hors d'œuvres, the entire collection of which, in fact, he consumed
in a wonderfully short space of time. The Baron, being himself no trifler with
his victuals, regarded this feat with sympathetic approval, and began to feel a
little less alone in the world. His naturally open disposition was warmed
besides, owing to a slight misconception he had fallen into, perfectly
excusable however in a foreigner. He thought he had read somewhere that port
was the usual accompaniment to the first courses of an English dinner, and as
his waiter had been somewhat dilatory in bringing him the more substantial
items of the repast, he had already drunk three claret-glasses of this cheering
wine. The chill recollections of his sixteen quarterings and the exclusiveness
he had determined to maintain as becoming to his rank were already melting, and
he met the stranger's eye with what for the life of him he could not help being
a cordial look.
His vis-à-vis caught
the glance, smiled back, and immediately asked, with the most charming
politeness, ``Do you care, sir, to split a bottle of champagne?''
``To--er--shplid?''
said the Baron, with a disappointed consciousness of having been put at a loss
in his English by the very first man who had spoken to him.
``I beg your pardon,--I
am afraid I was unintelligibly idiomatic. To divide, I should say, you
consuming one-half, I the other. Am I clear, sir?''
For a moment the Baron
was a little taken aback, and then recollecting that the dining habits of the
English were still new to him, he concluded that the suggestion was probably a
customary act of courtesy. He had already come to the conclusion that the
gentleman must be a person of rank, and he replied affably, ``Yah--zat is, vid
pleasure. Zanks, very.''
``The pleasure is
mine,'' said the stranger--``and half the bottle,'' he added, smiling.
The Baron, whose
perception of humour had been abnormally increased by this time, laughed
hilariously at the infection of his new acquaintance's smile.
``Goot, goot!'' he
cried. ``Ach, yah, zo.''
``Am I right, sir, in
supposing that, despite the perfection of your English accent, I cannot be
fortunate enough to claim you as a countryman?'' asked the stranger.
The Baron's resolutions
of reticence had vanished altogether before such unexpected and (he could not
but think) un-English friendliness. He unburdened his heart with a rush.
``You have ze right. I
am Deutsch. I have gom to England zis day for to lairn and to amuse myself. But
mein, vat you call?--introdogtions zey are not inside, gat is zey are from off.
Not von, all, every single gone to ze gontry or to abroad. I am alone, I eat my
dinner in zolitude, I am pleased to meet you, sare.''
A cork popped and the
champagne frothed into the stranger's glass. Raising it to his lips, he said,
``Prosit!''
``Prosit!'' responded
the Baron, enthusiastically. ``You know ze Deutsch, sare?''
``I am safer in
English, I confess.''
``Ach, das ist goot, I
vant for to practeese. Ve vill talk English.''
``With all my heart,''
said the stranger. ``I, too, am alone, and I hold myself more than fortunate in
making your acquaintance. It's a devilish dull world when one can't share a
bottle--or a brace of them, for the matter of that.''
``You know London?''
asked the Baron.
``I used to, and I
daresay my memory will revive.''
``I know it not,
pairhaps you can inform. I haf gom, as I say, to-day.''
``With pleasure,'' said
the stranger, readily. ``In fact, if you are ever disengaged I may possibly be
able to act as showman.''
``Showman!'' roared the
Baron, thinking he had discovered a jest. ``Ha, ha, ha! Goot, zehr goot!''
The other looked a
trifle astonished for an instant, and then as he sipped his champagne an
expression of intense satisfaction came over his face.
``I can put away my
lantern,'' he said to himself,-- ``I have found him.''
``May I have the
boldness to ask your name, sir?'' he asked aloud.
``Ze Baron Rudolph von
Blitzenberg,'' that nobleman replied. ``Yours, sare--may I dare?''
``Francis Bunker, at
your service, Baron.''
``You are noble?''
queried the Baron a little anxiously, for his prejudices on this point were
strong.
``According to your
standard I believe I may say so. That's to say, my family have borne arms for two
hundred odd generations; twenty-five per cent of them have died of good living;
and the most malicious have never accused us of brains. I myself may not be
very typical, but I assure you it isn't my ancestors' fault.''
The latter part of this
explanation entirely puzzled the Baron. The first statement, though eminently
satisfactory, was also a little bewildering.
``Two hondred
generations?'' he asked, courteously. ``Zat is a vary old family. All bore arms
you say, Mistair Bonker?''
``All,'' replied Mr
Bunker, gravely. ``The first few bore tails as well.''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' laughed
the Baron. ``You are a fonny man I pairceive, vat you call clown, yes?''
``What my friends call
clown, and I call wit,'' Mr Bunker corrected.
``Vit! Ha, ha, ha!''
roared the Baron, whose mind was now in an El Dorado of humour when jokes grew
like daisies. His loneliness had disappeared as if by magic; as course
succeeded course his contentment showed itself in a perpetually beaming smile:
he ceased to worry even about his friend's pedigree, convinced in his mind that
manners so delightful and distinguished could only result from repeated
quarterings and unoccupied fore- fathers. Yet by the time dessert arrived and
he had again returned to his port, he began to feel an extreme curiosity to
know more concerning Mr Bunker. He himself had volunteered a large quantity of
miscellaneous information: about Bavaria, its customs and its people, more
especially the habits and history of the Blitzenberg family; about himself, his
parentage and education; all about his family ghost, his official position as
hereditary carpet-beater to the Bavarian Court, and many other things equally
entertaining and instructive. Mr Bunker, for his part, had so far confined his
confidences to his name.
``My dear Bonker,''
said the Baron at last--he had become quite familiar by this time--``vat make
you in London? I fear you are bird of passage. Do you stay long?''
Mr Bunker cracked a
nut, looking very serious; then he leant on one elbow, glanced up at the
ceiling pensively, and sighed.
``I hope I do not ask
vat I should not,'' the Baron interposed, courteously.
``My dear Baron, ask
what you like,'' replied Mr Bunker. ``In a city full of strangers, or of
friends who have forgotten me, you alone have my confidence. My story is a
common one of youthful folly and present repentance, but such as it is, you are
welcome to it.''
The Baron gulped down
half a glass of port and leaned forward sympathetically.
``My father,'' Mr
Bunker continued with an air of half-sad reminiscence, ``is one of the largest
landowners and the head of one of the most ancient families in the north of
England. I was his eldest son and heir. I am still, I have every reason to
believe, his eldest son, but my heirship, I regret to say, is more doubtful. I
spent a prodigal youth and a larger sum of money than my poor father approved
of. He was a strict though a kind parent, and for the good of my health and the
replenishment of the family coffers, which had been sadly drained by my
extravagance, he sent me abroad. There I have led a roving life for the last
six years, and at last, my wild oats sown, reaped, and gathered in (and a
well-filled stack- yard they made, I can assure you), I decided to return to
England and become an ornament to respectable society. Like you, I arrived in
London to-day, but only to find to my disgust that my family have gone to
winter in Egypt. So you see that at present I am like a ship- wrecked sailor
clinging to a rock and waiting, with what patience I can muster, for a boat to
take me off.''
``You mean,'' inquired
the Baron, anxiously, ``that you vish to go to Egypt at vonce?''
``I had thought of it;
though there is a difficulty in the way, I admit.''
``You vill not stay zen
here?''
``My dear Baron, why
should I? I have neither friends nor----''
He stopped abruptly.
``I do not like to zink
I shall lose your company so soon.''
``I admit,'' allowed Mr
Bunker, ``that this fortunate meeting tempts me to stay.''
``Vy not?'' said the
Baron, cordially. ``Can your fader not vait to see you?''
``I hardly think he
will worry about me, I confess.''
``Zen stay, my goot
Bonker!''
``Unfortunately there
is the same difficulty as stands in the way of my going to Egypt.''
``And may I inquire vat
zat is?''
``To tell you the
truth,'' replied Mr Bunker, with an air of reluctant candour, ``my funds are
rather low. I had trusted to finding my father at home, but as he isn't,
why----'' he shrugged his shoulders and threw himself back in his chair.
The Baron seemed struck
with an idea which he hesitated to express.
``Shall we smoke?'' his
friend suggested.
``Vaiter!'' cried the
Baron, ``bring here two best cigars and two coffee!''
``A liqueur, Baron?''
``Ach, yah. Vat for
you?''
``A liqueur brandy
suggests itself.''
``Vaiter! and two
brandy.''
``And now,'' said the
Baron, ``I haf an idea, Bonker.''
The Baron Rudolph von
Blitzenberg, as I have said, had a warm heart. He was, besides, alone in one
hundred and twenty square miles of strangers and foreigners when he had
happened upon this congenial spirit. He began in a tone of the most ingenuous
friendliness--
``I haf no friends
here. My introdogtions zey are gone. Bot I haf moch money, and I vish a, vat
you say?--showman, ha, ha, ha! You haf too leetle money and no friends and you
can show. You show and I will loan you vat you vish. May I dare to suggest?''
``My dear Baron!''
``My goot Bonker! I am
in airnest, I assure. Vy not? It is vun gentleman and anozzer.''
``You are far too
kind.''
``It is to myself I am
kind, zen. I vant a guide, a frient. It is a loan. Do not scruple. Ven your
fader goms you can pay if you please. It is nozing to me.''
``Well, my dear
Baron,'' said Mr Bunker, like a man persuaded against his will, ``what can I
say? I confess I might find a little difficulty in replenishing my purse
without resorting to disagreeable means, and if you really wish my society,
why----''
``Zen it is a
bairgain?'' cried the Baron.
``If you insist----''
``I insist. Vaiter!
Alzo two ozzer liqueur. Ve most drink to ze bairgain, Bonker.''
They pledged each other
cordially, and talked from that moment like old friends. The Baron was
thoroughly pleased with himself, and Mr Bunker seemed no less gratified at his
own good fortune. Half an hour went quickly by, and then the Baron exclaimed,
``Let us do zomzing to-night, Bonker. I burn for to begin zis show of London.''
``What would you care
to do, Baron? It is rather late, I am afraid, to think of a theatre. What do
you say to a music-hall?''
``Music-hall? I haf
seen zem at home. Damned amusing, das ist ze expression, yes?''
``It is a perfect
description.''
``Bot,'' continued the
Baron, solemnly, ``I must not begin vid ze vickedest.''
``And yet,'' replied
his friend, persuasively, ``even wickedness needs a beginning.''
``Bot, if I begin I may
not stop. Zomzing more qviet ze first night. Haf you a club?''
Mr Bunker pondered for
a moment, and a curious smile stole across his face. Then it vanished, and he
answered readily, ``Certainly, Baron, an excellent idea. I haven't been to my
club for so long that it never struck me. Let us come.''
``Goot!'' cried the
Baron, rising with alacrity.
They put on their coats
(Mr Bunker's, it may be remarked, being a handsome fur-lined garment), the
porter hailed a cab, and the driver was ordered to take them to the Regent's
Club in Pall Mall. The Baron knew it by reputation as the most exclusive in
London, and his opinion of his friend rose still higher.
They joined a jingling
string of other hansoms and sped swiftly through the exhilarating bustle of the
streets. To the Baron it seemed as if a great change had come over the city
since he wandered disconsolately before dinner. Carried swiftly to the music of
the little bells through the sharp air and the London night that is brighter
than day, with a friend by his side and a good dinner within, he marked the
most astonishing difference. All the people seemed to talk and laugh, and for
his own part he found it hard to keep his tongue still.
``I know ze name of ze
Regent's,'' he said; ``vun club of ze best, is it not?''
``The very best club,
Baron.''
``Zey are all noble?''
``In many cases the
receipts for their escutcheons are still in their pockets.''
Though the precise
significance of this explanation was not quite clear to the Baron, it sounded
eminently satisfactory.
``Zo?'' he said. ``I
shall be moch interested to see zem.''
As they entered the
club the porter stared at them curiously, and even made a movement as though he
would step out and address them; but Mr Bunker, wishing him a courteous good
evening, walked briskly up to the hat-and-cloak racks in the hall. A young man
had just hung up his hat, and as he was divesting himself of his coat, Mr
Bunker quickly took the hat down, glanced at the name inside, and replaced it
on its peg. Then he held out his hand and addressed the young man cordially.
``Good evening,
Transome, how are you?'' said he, and, heedless of the look of surprise on the
other's face, he turned towards the Baron and added, ``Let me introduce the
Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg--Mr Transome. The Baron has just come to England,
and I thought he couldn't begin better than by a visit to the Regent's. Let us
come into the smoking-room.''
In a few minutes they
were all on the best of terms. A certain perplexity, and almost shyness, that
the young man showed at first, vanished rapidly before the Baron's cordiality
and Mr Bunker's well-bred charm of manner.
They were deeply
engrossed in a discussion on the reigning sovereign of the Baron's native land,
a monarch of whose enlightened policy that nobleman spoke with pardonable
pride, when two elderly gentlemen entered the room.
``Who are these?'' Mr
Bunker whispered to Transome. ``I know them very well, but I am always bad at
names.''
``Lord Fabrigas and
General M'Dermott,'' replied Transome.
Instantly Mr Bunker
rose and greeted the new-comers.
``Good evening, Lord
Fabrigas; good evening, General. You have just come in time to be introduced to
the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg, whom you doubtless know by reputation.''
The Baron rose and
bowed, and it struck him that elderly English gentlemen were singularly stiff
and constrained in their manner. Mr Bunker, however, continued cheerfully, ``We
are just going to have a smoking concert. Will you begin, Baron?''
``I know not English
songs,'' replied the Baron, ``bot I should like moch to hear.''
``You must join in the
chorus, then.''
``Certainly, Bonker. I
haf a voice zat is considered-- vat you call--deafening, yes?--in ze chorus.''
Mr Bunker cleared his
throat, and, just as the General was on the point of interposing a remark,
struck up hastily; and for the first time in its long and honourable history
the smoking-room of the Regent's Club re- echoed to a popular music-hall ditty.
``They sometimes call 'em duckies, they sometimes call 'em pets, And sometimes
they refer to 'em as dears They live on little matters that a gentleman forgets
In a little world of giggles and of tears There are different varieties from
which a man may choose There are sorts and shapes and sizes without end But the
kind I'd pick myself is the kind you introduce By the simple title of `my lady
friend.' ''
``Chorus, Baron!'' And
then he trolled in waltz time this edifying refrain-- ``My lady friend, my lady
friend! Can't you twig, dear boys, From the sound of the kisses She isn't my
misses, She's only my lady friend!''
In a voice like a train
going over a bridge the Baron chimed in-- ``My laty vrient, my laty vrient!
Cannot you tvig, mine boy Vrom ze sound of ze kiss He is not my miss He is only
mine laty vrient!''
``I am afraid,'' said
Mr Bunker, as they finished the chorus, ``that I can't remember any more. Now,
General, it's your turn.''
``Sir,'' replied that
gallant officer, who had listened to this ditty in purple and petrified
astonishment, ``I don't know who the devil you are, but I can tell you, you
won't remain a member of this club much longer if you come into it again in
this state.''
``I had forgotten,''
said Mr Bunker, with even more than his usual politeness, ``that such an
admirable music- hall critic was listening to me. I must apologise for my poor
effort.''
Wishing him courteously
good-night, he took the Baron by the arm and walked out. While that somewhat
perplexed nobleman was struggling into his coat, his friend rapidly and
dexterously converted all the silk hats he could see into the condition of
collapsed opera hats, and then picked a small hand-bag off the floor. The Baron
walked out through the door first, but Mr Bunker stopped for an instant
opposite the hall-porter's box, and crying, ``Good night to you, sir!'' hurled
the bag through the glass, rushed after his friend, and in less time than it
takes to tell they were tearing up Pall Mall in a hansom.
For a few minutes both
were silent; then the Baron said slowly, ``I do not qvite onderstand.''
``My dear Baron,'' his
friend explained gaily, ``these practical jokes are very common in our clubs.
They are quite part of our national life, you know, and I thought you ought to
see everything.''
The Baron said nothing,
but he began to realise that he was indeed in a foreign country.
``Vell, Bonker, vat
show to-day?'' said the Baron.
Mr Bunker sipped his
coffee and smiled back at his friend.
``What would you
like?'' said he.
They were sitting in
the Baron's private room finishing one of the renowned Hôtel Mayonaise
breakfasts. Out of the windows they could see the bright curving river, the
bare tops of the Embankment trees, a file of barges drifting with the tide, and
cold-looking clouds hurrying over the chaos of brick on the opposite shore. It
was a bright breezy morning, and the Baron felt in high good- humour with his
surroundings. On maturer consideration, the entertaining experience of the
night before had greatly raised Mr Bunker in his estimation. He had chuckled
his way through a substantial breakfast, and in such good company felt ready
for any adventure that might turn up.
He lit a cigar, pushed
back his chair, and replied blandly, ``I am in your hands. I am ready to enjoy
anyzing.''
``Do you wish
instruction or entertainment?''
``Mix zem, Bonker.
Entertain by instrogtion; instrogt by entertaining.''
``You are epigrammatic,
Baron, but devilish vague. I presume, however, that you wish entertaining
experience from which a man of your philosophical temperament can draw a
moral--afterwards.''
``Ha, ha!'' laughed the
Baron. ``Excellent! You provide ze experiences--I draw ze moral.''
``And we share the
entertainment. The theory is perfect, but I'm afraid we need a programme. Now,
on my own first visit to London I remember being taken--by the hand--to Madame
Tussaud's Waxworks, the Tower, St Paul's Cathedral, the fishmarket at
Billingsgate, the British Museum, and a number of other damnably edifying
spectacles. You might naturally suppose that after such a round it would be
quite superfluous for me ever to come up to town again. Yet, surprising as it
may appear, most of the knowledge of London I hope to put at your disposal has
been gained in the course of subsequent visits.''
``Bot zese
places--Tousaud, Tower, Paul's--are zey not instrogtif?''
``If you wish to learn
that a great number of years ago a vast quantity of inconsequent events
occurred, or that in an otherwise amusing enough world there are here and there
collected so many roomfuls of cheerless articles, I can strongly recommend a
visit to the Tower of London or the British Museum.''
``In mine own gontry,''
said the Baron, thoughtfully, ``I can lairn zo moch.''
``Then, my dear Baron,
while you are here forget it all.''
``And yet,'' said the
Baron, still thoughtfully, ``somzing I should lairn here.''
``Certainly; you will
learn something of what goes on underneath a waistcoat and a little of the
contents of a corset and petticoat. Also of the strange customs of this city
and the excellence of British institutions.''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' laughed
the Baron, who thought that if his friend had not actually made a jest, it was
at least time for one to occur. ``I see, I see. I draw ze moral, ha, ha!''
``This morning,'' Mr
Bunker continued. reflectively, ``we might--let me see--well, we might do a
little shopping. To tell you the truth, Baron, my South African experiences
have somewhat exhausted my wardrobe.''
``Ach, zo. Cairtainly
ve vill shop. Bot, Bonker, Soud Africa? Vas it not Soud America?''
``Did I say Africa?
America of course I meant. Well, let us shop if you have no objections: then we
might have a little lunch, and afterwards visit the Park. For the evening, what
do you say to a theatre?''
``Goot!'' cried the
Baron. ``Make it tzos.''
Mr Bunker's shopping
turned out to be a pretty extensive operation.
``Loan vat you please
of money,'' said his friend. ``A gentleman should be dressed in agreement.''
With now and then an
apology for his extravagance, he took full advantage of the Baron's generosity,
and ordered such an assortment of garments that his tailor could hardly bow low
enough to express his gratification.
After an excellent
lunch in the most expensive restaurant to be found, they walked arm-in-arm
westwards along Piccadilly, Mr Bunker pointing out the various objects of
historical or ephemeral interest to be seen in that thoroughfare, the Baron
drinking in this information with the serious air of the distinguished
traveller.
``And now we come to
the Park,'' said Mr Bunker. ``Guard your heart, Baron.''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' replied
the Baron. ``Zo instrogtion is feenished, and now goms entertainment, ha?''
``With the moral always
running through it, remember.''
``I shall not forget.''
The sunshine had
brought out a great many carriages and a sprinkling of walkers along the
railings. The two friends strolled among them, eyeing the women and stopping
now and then to look back at a carriage.
``I suppose,'' said the
Baron, ``zat vile you haf been avay your frients have forgot you.''
As he spoke a young man
looked hard at Mr Bunker, and even made a movement as though he would stop and
speak to him. Mr Bunker looked blandly through him and walked on.
``Do you not know zat
gentleman?''
``Which gentleman?''
``Ze young man zat
looked so at you.''
``Some young men have a
way of staring here, Baron.''
A few minutes later a
lady in a passing carriage looked round sharply at them with an air of great
surprise, and half bowed.
``Surely,'' exclaimed
the Baron, ``zat vas a frient of yours!''
``I am not a friend of
hers, then,'' Mr Bunker replied with a laugh. ``Her bow I think must have been
aimed at you.''
The Baron shook his
head, and seemed to be drawing a moral.
``Baron,'' his friend
exclaimed, suddenly, ``let us go back; here comes one of our most popular
phenomena, a London fog. We need not stay in the Park to observe it.''
The sun was already
obscured; there stole a most insidious chill through the air; like the changing
of a scene on the stage they found themselves in a few minutes walking in a
little ring of trees and road and iron railings instead of a wide sunny park;
the roar of the streets came from behind a wall of mist that opened
mysteriously to let a phantom carriage in and out, and closed silently behind
it again.
``I like not zis,''
said the Baron, with a shiver.
By the time they had
found Piccadilly again there was nothing at all to be seen but the light of the
nearest lamp as large and far away as a struggling sun, and the shadowy people
who flitted by.
Their talk ceased. The
Baron turned up his collar and sucked his cigar lugubriously, and Mr Bunker
seemed unusually thoughtful. They had walked nearly as far as Piccadilly Circus
when they were pulled up by a cab turning down a side-street. There was a
lamp-post at the corner, and under it stood a burly man, his red face quite
visible as they came up to his shoulder.
In an instant Mr Bunker
seized the Baron by the arm, pulled him round, and began to walk hastily back
again.
``Vat for zis?'' said
the Baron, in great astonishment. ``We have come too far, thanks to this
infernal fog. We must cross the street and take the first turning on the other
side. I must apologise, Baron, for my absence of mind.'' . . . . . . .
The cab passed by and
the red-faced man strolled on.
``Like lookin' for a
needle in a bloomin' haystack,'' he said to himself. ``I might as well go back
to Clankwood. 'E's a good riddance, I say.''
The Baron and Mr Bunker
discussed their dinner with the relish of approving connoisseurs. Mr Bunker
commended the hock, and suggested a second bottle; the Baron praised the entrées,
and insisted on another helping. The frequent laughter arising from their table
excited general remark throughout the room, and already the waiters were
whispering to the other guests that this was a German nobleman of royal blood
engaged in a diplomatic mission of importance, and his friend a ducal member of
the English Cabinet, at present, for reasons of state, incognito.
``Bonker!'' exclaimed
the Baron, ``I am in zat frame of head I vant a romance, an adventure''
(lowering his voice a little), ``mit a beautiful lady, Bonker.''
``It must be a romance,
Baron?''
``A novel, a story to
tell to mine frients. In a strange city man expects strange zings.''
``Well, I'll do my best
for you, but I confess the provision of romantic adventures is a little outside
the programme we've arranged.''
``Ha, ha! Ve shall see,
ve shall see, Bonker!''
They arrived at the
Corinthian Theatre about the middle of the first act, for, as Mr Bunker
explained, it is always well to produce a good first impression, and few more
effective means can be devised than working one's way to the middle of a line
of stalls with the play already in progress.
Hardly were they seated
when the Baron drove his elbow into his friend's ribs (draped for the night, it
may be remarked, with one of the Baron's spare dress-coats) and exclaimed in an
excited whisper, ``Next to you, Bonker! Ach, zehr hüpsch!''
Even before this hint
Mr Bunker had observed that the lady on the other side of him was possessed of
exceptional attractions. For a little time he studied her out of the corners of
his eyes. He noticed that the stall on the farther side of her was empty, that
she once or twice looked round as though she expected somebody, and that she
seemed not altogether unconscious of her new neighbours. He further observed
that her face was of a type that is more usually engaged in attack than
defence.
Then he whispered,
``Would you like to know her?''
``Ach, yah!'' replied
the Baron, eagerly. ``Bot--can you?''
Mr Bunker smiled
confidently. A few minutes later he happened to let his programme fall into her
lap.
``I beg your pardon,''
he whispered, softly, and glanced into her eyes with a smile ready.
His usual discernment
had not failed him. She smiled, and instantly he produced his.
A little later her
opera-glasses happened to slip from her hand, and though they only slipped
slowly, it was no doubt owing to his ready presence of mind that their fall was
averted.
This time their fingers
happened to touch, and they smiled without an apology.
He leant towards her,
looking, however, at the play. They shared a laugh over a joke that she might
have been excused for not understanding; presently a criticism of some
situation escaped him inadvertently, and she smiled again; soon after she gave
an exclamation and he answered sympathetically, and at the end of the act the
curtain came down on an acquaintance already begun. As the lights were turned
up, and here and there men began to go out, she again looked at the entrances
in some apparent concern, either lest some one should not come in or lest some
one should.
``He is late,'' said Mr
Bunker, smiling.
She gave a very
enticing look of surprise, and consented to smile back before she coyly looked
away again.
``An erring husband, I
presume.''
She admitted that it
was in fact a husband who had failed her.
``But,'' she added,
``I'm afraid--I mean I expect he'll come in after the next act. It's so
tiresome of him to disappoint me like this.''
Mr Bunker expressed the
deepest sympathy with her unfortunate predicament.
``He has his ticket, of
course?''
But it seemed that she
had both the tickets with her, an arrangement which he immediately denounced as
likely to lead to difficulties when her husband arrived. He further, in the
most obliging manner, suggested that he should take the ticket for the other
seat to the booking office and leave instructions for its being given to the
gentleman on his arrival. The lady gave him a curious little glance that seemed
to imply a mixture of doubt as to his motives with confidence in his abilities,
and then with many thanks agreed to his suggestion. Mr Bunker took the ticket
and rose at once.
``That I may be sure
you are in good company while I am away,'' said he, ``permit me to introduce my
friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.''
And the Baron promptly
took his vacant seat.
On his return Mr Bunker
found his friend wreathed in smiles and engaged in the most animated
conversation with the lady, and before the last act was over, he gathered from
such scraps of conversation as reached his ears that Rudolph von Blitzenberg
had little to learn in one department of a nobleman's duties.
``I wonder where my
husband can be,'' the lady whispered.
``Ach, heed him not,
fair lady,'' replied the Baron. ``Am I not instead of a hosband?''
``I'm afraid you're a
very naughty man, Baron.''
``Ven I am viz you,''
the gallant Baron answered, ``I forget myself all bot your charms.''
These advances being
made in the most dulcet tones of which the nobleman was master, and accompanied
by the most enamoured expression, it is not surprising that the lady permitted
herself to listen to them with perhaps too ready an ear. What Mr Bunker's
arrangement with the booking clerk had been was never quite clear, but
certainly the erring husband failed to make his appearance at all, and at the last
fall of the curtain she was easily persuaded to let the Baron escort her home.
``I know I ought not,
but if a husband deserts one so faithlessly, what can I do?'' she said, with a
very becoming little shrug of her shoulders and a captivating lift of her
eyebrows.
``Ah, vat indeed? He
desairves not so fair a consort.''
``But won't it be
troubling you?''
``Trouble? Pleasure and
captivation!''
``Excuse me, Baron,''
said the voice of Mr Bunker at his elbow; ``if you will wait here at the door I
shall send up a cab.''
``Goot!'' cried the
Baron, ``a zouzand zanks!''
``I myself,'' added Mr
Bunker, with a profound bow to the lady, ``shall say good night now. The best
of luck, Baron!''
In a few minutes a
hansom drove up, and the Baron, springing in beside his charge, told the man to
drive to 602 Eaton Square.
``Not too qvickly!'' he
added, in a stage aside.
They reached Trafalgar
Square, matters inside going harmoniously as a marriage bell,--almost, in fact,
too much suggesting that simile.
``Why are we going down
Whitehall?'' the lady exclaimed, suddenly.
``I know not,'' replied
the Baron, placidly.
``Ask him where he is
going!'' she said.
The Baron, as in duty
bound, asked, and the reassuring reply, ``All right, sir,'' came back through
the hole in the roof.
``I seem to know that
man's voice,'' the lady said. ``He must have driven me before.''
``To me all ze English
speak ze same,'' replied the Baron. ``All bot you, my fairest, viz your sound
like a--vat you call?--fiddle, is it?''
Though his charmer had
serious misgivings regarding their cabman's topographical knowledge, the
Baron's company proved so absorbing that it was not till they were being
rapidly driven over Vauxhall Bridge that she at last took alarm. At first the
Baron strove to soothe her by the most approved Teutonic blandishments, but in
time he too began to feel concerned, and in a voice like thunder he repeatedly
called upon the driver to stop. No reply was vouchsafed, and the pace merely
grew the more reckless.
``Can't you catch the
reins?'' cried the lady, who had got into a terrible fright.
The Baron twice essayed
the feat, but each time a heavy blow over the knuckles from the butt-end of the
whip forced him to desist. The lady burst into tears. The Baron swore in five
languages alternately, and still the cab pursued its headlong career through
deserted midnight streets, past infrequent policemen and stray belated
revellers, on into an unknown wilderness of brick.
``Oh, don't let him
murder me!'' sobbed the lady.
``Haf cheer, fairest;
he shall not vile I am viz you! Gott in himmel, ze rascal! Parbleu und blood!
Goddam! Vait till I catch him, hell and blitzen! Haf courage, dear!''
``Oh dear, oh dear!''
wailed the lady. ``I shall never do it again!''
They must have covered
miles, and still the speed never abated, when suddenly, as they were rounding a
sharp corner, the horse slipped on the frost-bound road, and in the twinkling
of an eye the Baron and the lady were sitting on opposite sides of their fallen
steed, and the cabman was rubbing his head some yards in front.
``Teufel!'' exclaimed
the Baron, rising carefully to his feet. ``Ach, mine dearest vun, art thou
hurt?''
The lady was silent for
a moment, as though trying to decide, and then she burst into hysterical
laughter.
``Ach, zo,'' said the
Baron, much relieved, ``zen vill I see ze cabman.''
That individual was
still rubbing his head with a rueful air, and the Baron was about to pour forth
all his bottled- up indignation, when at the sight of the driver's face he
started back in blank astonishment.
``Bonker!''
``It is I indeed, my
dear Baron,'' replied that gentle man, politely. ``I must ask a thousand
pardons for causing you this trifling inconvenience. As to your friend, I don't
know how I am to make my peace with her.''
``Bot--bot vat means
zis?'' gasped the Baron.
``I was merely
endeavouring to provide the spice of romance you required, besides giving you
the opportunity of making the lady's better acquaintance. Can I do anything
more for you, Baron? And you, my dear lady, can I assist you in any way?''
Both, speaking at once
and with some heat, gave a decidedly affirmative answer.
``Where are we?'' asked
the lady, who hovered between fright and indignation.
Mr Bunker shrugged his
shoulders.
``It would be rash to
hazard an opinion,'' he replied.
``Well!'' cried the
lady, her indignation quite overcoming her fright. ``Do you mean to say you've
brought us here against our wills and probably got me into dread- ful trouble,
and you don't even know where we are?''
Mr Bunker looked up at
the heavens with a studious air.
``One ought to be able
to tell something of our whereabouts from one of those stars,'' he replied;
``but, to tell the truth, I don't quite know which. In short, madame, it is not
from want of goodwill, but merely through ignorance, that I cannot direct
you.''
The lady turned
impatiently to the Baron.
``You've helped to get
me into this mess,'' she said, tartly. ``What do you propose to do?''
``My fairest----''
``Don't!'' she
interrupted, stamping her foot on the frosty road, and then inconsequently
burst into tears. The Baron and Mr Bunker looked at one another.
``It is a fine night
for a walk, and the cab, I'm afraid, is smashed beyond hope of redemption. Give
the lady your arm, Baron; we must eventually arrive somewhere.''
There was really
nothing else for it, so leaving the horse and cab to be recovered by the first
policeman who chanced to pass, they set out on foot. At last, after half an
hour's ramble through the solitudes of South London, a belated cab was hailed
and all three got inside. Once on her way home, the lady's indignation again
gave way to fright.
``What am I to do? What
am I to do?'' she wailed. ``Oh, whatever will my husband say?''
In his most confident
and irresistible manner Mr Bunker told her he would make matters all right for
her at whatever cost to himself; and so infectious was his assurance, that,
when at last they reached Eaton Square, she allowed him to come up to the door
of number 602. The Baron prudently remained in the cab, for, as he explained,
``My English, he is unsafe.''
After a prolonged
knocking and ringing the door at length opened, and an irascible-looking,
middle-aged gentleman appeared, arrayed in a dressing-gown.
``Louisa!'' he cried.
``What the dev--where on earth have you been? The police are looking for you
all over London. And may I venture to ask who this is with you?''
Mr Bunker bowed
slightly and raised his hat.
``My dear sir,'' he
said, ``we found this lady in a lamentable state of intoxication in the
Tottenham Court Road, and as I understand you have a kind of reversionary
interest in her, we have brought her here. As for you, sir, your appearance is
so unprepossessing that I am unable to remain any longer. Good night,'' and
raising his hat again he entered the cab and drove off, assuring the Baron that
matters were satisfactorily arranged.
``So you have had your
adventure, Baron,'' he added, with a smile.
For a minute or two the
Baron was silent. Then he broke into a cheerful guffaw, ``Ha, ha, ha! You are a
fonny devil, Bonker! Ach, bot it vas pleasant vile it lasted!''
A few days passed in
the most entertaining manner. A menu of amusements was regularly prepared
suitable to a catholic taste, and at every turn the Baron was struck by the
enterprise and originality of his friend. He had, however, a national bent for
serious inquiry, and now and then doubts crossed his mind whether with all his
moral drawing, he was acquiring quite as much solid information as he had set
out to gain. This idea grew upon him, till one morning, after gazing for some
time at the English newspaper he always made a point of reading, he suddenly
exclaimed, ``Bonker, I haf a doubt!''
``I have many,''
replied Mr Bunker; ``in fact, I have few positive ideas left.''
``Bot mine is a particulair
doubt. Do I lairn enoff?''
``My own conception of
enough learning, Baron, is a thing like a threepenny-bit--the smallest coin one
can do one's marketing with.''
``And yet,'' said the
Baron, solemnly, ``for my own share, I am not satisfied. I vould lairn more of
ze British institutions; so far I haf lairned of ze pleasures only.''
``My dear Baron, they
are the British institutions.''
The Baron shook his
head and fell to his paper again, while Mr Bunker stretched himself on the sofa
and gazed through his cigar-smoke at the ceiling. Suddenly the Baron gave an
exclamation of horror.
``My dear Baron, what
is the matter?''
``Yet anozer outrage!''
cried the Baron. ``Zese anarchists, zey are too scandalous. At all ze stations
zere are detectives, and all ze ships are being vatched. Ach, it is terrible!''
Mr Bunker seemed struck
with an idea, for he stared at the ceiling without making any reply, and his
eyes, had the Baron seen them, twinkled curiously.
At last the Baron laid
down his paper.
``Vell, vat shall ve
do?'' he asked.
``Let us come first to
Liverpool Street Station, if you don't mind, Baron,'' his friend suggested. ``I
have something in the cloak-room there I want to pick up.''
``My dear Bonker, I
shall go vere you vill; bot remember I vant to-day more instrogtion and less
entertainment.''
``You wish to see the
practical side of English life?''
``Yah--zat is, yes.''
Mr Bunker smiled.
``Then I must entertain
myself.''
As they drove down he
was in his wittiest humour, and the Baron, in spite of his desire for
instruction, was more charmed with his friend than ever.
``Vat fonny zing vill
you do next, eh?'' he asked, as they walked arm-in-arm into the station.
``I am no more the
humourist, my dear Baron,--I shall endeavour to edify you.''
They had arrived at a
busy hour, when the platforms were crowded with passengers and luggage. A train
had just come in, and around it the bustle was at its height, and the confusion
most bewildering.
``Wait for me here,''
said Mr Bunker; ``I shall be back in a minute.''
He started in the
direction of the cloak-room, and then, doubling back through the crowd, walked
down the platform and stopped opposite a luggage-van. An old gentleman, beside
himself with irritation, was struggling with the aid of a porter to collect his
luggage, and presently he left the pile he had got together and made a rush in
the direction of a large portmanteau that was just being tumbled out. Instantly
Mr Bunker picked up a handbag from the heap and walked quickly off with it.
``Here you are,
Baron,'' he said, as he came up to his friend. ``I find there is something else
I must do, so do you mind holding this bag for a few minutes? If you will walk
up and down in front of the refreshment-rooms here, I'll find you more easily.
Is it troubling you too much?''
``Not vun bit, Bonker.
I am in your sairvice.''
He put the bag into the
Baron's hand with his pleasantest smile, and turned away. Rounding a corner, he
came cautiously back again through the crowd and stepped up to a policeman.
``Keep your eye on that
man, officer,'' he said, in a low confidential voice, and an air of quiet
authority, ``and put your plain-clothes' men on his track. I know him for one
of the most dangerous anarchists.''
The man started and
stared hard at the Baron, and presently that unconscious nobleman, pacing the
platform in growing wonder at Mr Bunker's lengthy absence, and looking
anxiously round him on all sides, noticed with surprise that a number of
quietly dressed men, with no apparent business in the station, were eyeing him
with, it seemed to him, an interest that approached suspicion. In time he grew
annoyed, he returned their glances with his haughtiest and most indignant look,
and finally, stepping up to one of them, asked in no friendly voice, ``Vat for
do you vatch me?''
The man returned an
evasive answer, and passing one of his fellow-officers, whispered, ``Foreign; I
was sure of it.''
At last the Baron could
stand it no longer, and laying the bag down by the door of the
refreshment-room, turned hastily away. On the instant Mr Bunker, who had
watched these proceedings from a safe distance, cried in a loud and agonised
voice, ``Down with your men, sergeant! Down, lie down! It will explode in
twenty seconds!''
And as he spoke he
threw himself flat on his face. So infectious were his commanding voice and his
note of alarm that one after another, detectives, passengers, and porters, cast
themselves at full length on the platform. The Baron, filled with terror of
anarchist plots, was one of the first to prostrate himself, and at that there
could be no further doubt of the imminence of the peril.
The cabs rattled and
voices sounded from outside; an engine whistled and shunted at a far platform,
but never before at that hour of the day had Liverpool Street Station been so
silent. All held their breath and heard their hearts thump as they gazed in horrible
fascination at that fatal bag, or with closed eyes stumbled through a hasty
prayer. Fully a minute passed, and the suspense was growing intolerable, when
with a loud oath an old gentleman rose to his feet and walked briskly up to the
bag.
``Have a care, sir! For
Heaven's sake have a care!'' cried Mr Bunker; but the old gentleman merely bent
over the terrible object, and, picking it up, exclaimed in bewildered wrath,
``It's my bag! Who the devil brought it here, and what's the meaning of this
d--d nonsense?''
``Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!''
roared Mr Bunker; while like sheepish mushrooms the people sprang up on all
sides.
``My dear sir,'' said
Mr Bunker, coming up to the old gentleman, and raising his hat with his most
affable air, ``permit me to congratulate you on recovering your lost property,
and allow me further to introduce my friend the Baron Rudolph von
Blitzenberg.''
``Baron von
damned-humbug!'' cried the old gentleman. ``Did you take my bag, sir? and if
so, are you a thief or a lunatic?''
For an instant even Mr
Bunker himself seemed a trifle taken aback; then he replied politely, ``I am
not a thief, sir.''
``Then what 'ave you
been doing?'' demanded the sergeant.
``Merely demonstrating
to my friend the Baron the extraordinary vigilance of the English police.''
For a time neither the
old gentleman nor the sergeant seemed quite capable of taking the same view of
the episode as Mr Bunker, and, curiously enough, the Baron seemed not
disinclined to let his friend extricate himself as best he could. No one,
however, could resist Mr Bunker, and before very long he and the Baron were
driving up Bishopsgate Street together, with the old gentleman's four-wheeler
lumbering in front of them.
``Well, Baron, are you
satisfied with your morning's instruction?'' asked his friend.
``A German nobleman is
not used to be in soch a position,'' replied the Baron, stiffly.
``You must admit,
however, that the object-lesson in the detection of anarchy was neatly
presented.''
``I admit nozing of ze
kind,'' said the Baron, stolidly.
For the rest of the
drive he sat obdurately silent. He went to his room with the mien of an
offended man. During lunch he only opened his lips to eat.
On his side Mr Bunker
maintained a cheerful composure, and seemed not a whit put about by his
friend's lack of appreciation.
``Anozzer bottle of
claret,'' said the Baron, gruffly, to a waiter.
Mr Bunker let him
consume it entirely by himself, awaiting the results with patience. Gradually
his face relaxed a little, until all at once, when the bump in the bottom of
the bottle was beginning to appear above the wine, the whole room was startled
by a stentorian, ``Ha, ha, ha!''
``My dear Bonker!''
cried the Baron, when he had finished laughing, ``forgif me! I begin for to see
ze moral, ha, ha, ha!''
The Baron expressed no
further wish for instruction, but, instead, he began to show a desire for
society.
``Doesn't one fool
suffice?'' his friend asked.
``Ach, yes, my vise
fool; ha, ha, ha! Bot sometimes I haf ze craving for peoples, museec,
dancing--in vun vord, society, Bonker!''
``But this is not the
season, Baron. You wouldn't mix with any but the best society, would you?''
``Zere are some nobles
in town. In my paper I see Lord zis, Duke of zat, in London. Pairhaps my
introdogtions might be here now.''
This suggestion seemed
to strike Mr Bunker unfavourably.
``My company is
beginning to pall, is it, Baron?''
``Ach, no, dear Bonker!
I vould merely go out jost vunce or tvice. Haf you no friends now in town?''
An idea seemed to seize
Mr Bunker.
``Let me see the
paper,'' he said.
After perusing it
carefully for a little, he at last exclaimed in a tone of pleased discovery,
``Hullo! I see that Lady Tulliwuddle is giving a reception and dance to-night.
Most of the smart people in town just now are sure to be there. Would you care
to go, Baron?''
``Ach, surely,'' said
the Baron, eagerly. ``Bot haf you been invited, Bonker?''
``Oh, I used to have a
standing invitation to Lady Tulliwuddle's dances, and I'm certain she would be
glad to see me again.''
``Can you take me?''
``Of course, my dear
Baron, she will be honoured.''
``Goot!'' cried the
Baron. ``Ve shall go.''
Mr Bunker explained
that it was the proper thing to arrive very late, and so it was not until after
twelve o'clock that they left the Hôtel Mayonaise for the regions of Belgravia.
The Baron, primed with a bottle of champagne, and arrayed in a costume which Mr
Bunker had assured him was the very latest extreme of fashion, and which
included a scarlet watered silk waistcoat, a pair of white silk socks, and a
lavender tie, was in a condition of cheerfulness verging closely on hilarity.
Mr Bunker, that, as he said, he might better serve as a foil to his friend's
splendour, went more inconspicuously dressed, but was likewise well charged
with champagne. He too was in his happiest vein, and the vision of the Baron's
finery appeared to afford him peculiar gratification.
Their hansom stopped in
front of a large and gaily lit-up mansion, with an awning leading to the door,
and a cluster of carriages and footmen by the kerbstone. They entered, and
having divested themselves of their coats, Mr Bunker proposed that they should
immediately seek the supper-room.
``Bot should I not be
first introduced to mine hostess?'' asked the Baron.
``My dear Baron! a
formal reception of the guests is entirely foreign to English etiquette.''
``Zo? I did not know
zat.''
The supper-room was
crowded, and having secured a table with some difficulty, Mr Bunker entered
immediately into conversation with a solitary young gentleman who was consuming
a plate of oysters. Before they had exchanged six sentences the young man had
entirely succumbed to Mr Bunker's address, aided possibly by the young man's
supper.
``Permit me to
introduce my friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg, a nobleman strange as
yet to England, but renowned throughout his native land alike for his talents
and his lofty position,'' said Mr Bunker.
``Ach, my good
friend,'' exclaimed the Baron, grasping the young man's hand, ``das ist
Bonker's vat you call nonsense; bot I am delighted, zehr delighted, to meet
you, and if you gom to Bavaria you most shoot vid me! Bravo! Ha!''
From which it may be
gathered that the Baron was in a genial humour.
``Who is that girl?''
asked Mr Bunker, pointing to an extremely pretty damsel just leaving the room.
``Oh, that's my cousin,
Lady Muriel Hilton. She's thought rather pretty, I believe,'' answered the
young man.
``Do you mind
introducing me?''
``Certainly,'' said
their new friend. ``Come along.''
As they were passing
through the room a little incident occurred that, if the Baron's perceptions
had been keener, might have given him cause for some speculation. Two men
standing by the door looked hard at Mr Bunker, and then at each other, and as
the Baron passed them he heard one say, ``It looks devilish like him.''
``He has shaved,
then,'' said the other.
``Evidently,'' replied
the first speaker; ``but I thought he was unlikely to appear in any society for
some time.''
They both laughed, and
the Baron heard no more.
When they reached the
ballroom the band was striking up a polka, and presently Mr Bunker, with his
accustomed grace, was tearing round the room with Lady Muriel, while the
Baron--the delight of all eyes in his red waistcoat-- led out her sister. In a
very short time the other dancers found the Baron and his friend's onslaught so
vigorous that prudence compelled them to take shelter along the wall, and from
a safe distance admire the evolutions of these two mysterious guests.
Mr Bunker was
enlivening the monotony of the polka by the judicious introduction of hornpipe
steps, while the Baron, his coat-tails high above his head, shouted and stamped
in his wild career.
``Do stop for a minute,
Baron,'' gasped his fair partner.
``Himmel, nein!''
roared the Baron. ``I haf gom here for to dance! Ha, Bonker, ha!''
At last Lady Muriel had
to stop through sheer exhaustion, but Mr Bunker, merely letting her go, pursued
his solitary way, double-shuffling and kicking unimpeded.
The Baron stopped,
breathless, to admire him. Round and round he went, the only figure in the
middle of the room, his arms akimbo, his feet rat-tatting and kicking to the
music, while high above the band resounded his friend's shouts of ``Bravo,
Bonker! Wunderschön! Gott in himmel, higher, higher!'' till at length, missing
the wall in an attempt to find support, the Baron dropped with a thud into a
sitting posture and continued his demonstrations from the floor.
Meanwhile their alarmed
hostess was holding a hasty consultation with her husband, and when the music
at last stopped and Mr Bunker was advancing with his most courteous air towards
his late partner, Lord Tulliwuddle stepped up to him and touched his arm.
``May I speak to you,
sir?'' he said.
``Certainly,'' replied
Mr Bunker. ``I shall be honoured. Excuse me for one moment, Lady Muriel.''
``At whose invitation
have you come here to-night?'' demanded his host, sternly.
``I have the pleasure
of addressing Lord Tulliwuddle, have I not?''
``You have, sir.''
Mr Bunker bent towards
him and whispered something in his ear.
``From Scotland Yard?''
exclaimed his lordship.
``Hush!'' said Mr
Bunker, glancing cautiously round the room, and then he added, with an air of
impressive gravity, ``You have a bathroom on the third floor, I believe?''
``I have,'' replied his
host in great surprise.
``Has it a bell?''
``No, I believe not.''
``Ah, I thought so. If
you will favour me by coming up-stairs for a minute, my Lord, you will avoid a
serious private scandal. Say nothing about it at present to any one.''
In blank astonishment
and some alarm Lord Tulliwuddle went up with him to the third floor, where the
house was still and the sounds of revelry reached faintly.
``What does this mean,
sir?'' he asked.
``If I am right in my
conjectures you will need no explanation from me, my Lord.''
His lordship opened a
door, and turning on an electric light, revealed a small and ordinary-looking
bathroom.
``Ha, no
bell--excellent!'' said Mr Bunker.
``What are you doing
with the key?'' exclaimed his host.
``Good night, my Lord.
I shall tell them to send up breakfast at nine,'' said Mr Bunker, and stepping
quickly out, he shut and locked the door.
A minute later he was
back in the ballroom looking anxiously for the Baron, but that nobleman was
nowhere to be seen.
``The devil!'' he said
to himself. ``Can they have tackled him too?''
But as he ran
downstairs a gust of cheerful laughter set his mind at ease.
``Ha, ha, ha! Vere is
old Bonker? He also vill shoot vid me!''
``Here I am, my dear
Baron,'' he exclaimed gaily, as he tracked the voice into the supper-room.
``Ach, mine dear
Bonker!'' cried the Baron, folding him in his muscular embrace, ``I haf here
met friends, ve are merry! Ve drink to Bavaria, to England, to everyzing!''
The ``friends''
consisted of two highly amused young men and two half-scandalised,
half-hysterical ladies, into the midst of whose supper-table the Baron had
projected himself with infectious hilarity. They all looked up with great
curiosity at Mr Bunker, but that gentleman was not in the least put about. He
bowed politely to the table generally, and took his friend by the arm.
``It is time we were
going, Baron, I'm afraid,'' he said.
``Vat for? Ah, not yet,
Bonker, not yet. I am enjoying myself down to ze floor. I most dance again,
Bonker, jost vunce more,'' pleaded the Baron.
``My dear Baron, the
noblemen of highest rank must always leave first, and people are talking of
going now. Come along, old man.''
``Ha, is zat so?'' said
the Baron. ``Zen vill I go. Good night!'' he cried, waving his hand to the room
generally. ``Ven you gom to Bavaria you most all shoot vid me. Bravo, my goot
Bonker! Ha! ha!''
As they turned away
from the table, one of the young men, who had been looking very hard at Mr
Bunker, rose and touched his sleeve.
``I say, aren't
you----?'' he began.
``Possibly I am,''
interrupted Mr Bunker, ``only I haven't the slightest recollection of the
fact.''
An astonished lady was
indicated by Mr Bunker as the hostess, and to her the Baron bade an
affectionate adieu. He handed a sovereign to the footman, embraced the butler,
and as they sped eastwards in their hansom, a rousing chorus from the two
friends awoke the echoes of Piccadilly.
``Bravo, Bonker!
Himmel, I haf enjoyed myself!'' sighed the exhausted Baron.
The Baron and Mr Bunker
discussed a twelve o'clock breakfast with the relish of men who had done a good
night's work. The Baron was full of his exploits. ``Ze lofly Lady Hilton'' and
his new ``friends'' seemed to have made a vivid impression.
``Zey vill be in ze
Park to-day, of course?'' he suggested.
``Possibly,'' replied
Mr Bunker, without any great enthusiasm.
``But surely.''
``After a dance it is
rather unlikely.''
``Ze Lady Hilton did
say she vent to ze Park.''
``To-day, Baron?''
``I do not remember
to-day. I did dance so hard I was not perhaps distinct. But I shall go and
see.''
As Mr Bunker's attempts
to throw cold water on this scheme proved quite futile, he made a graceful
virtue of necessity, dressed himself with care, and set out in the afternoon
for the Park. They had only walked as far as Piccadilly Circus when in the
crowd at the corner his eye fell upon a familiar figure. It was the burly, red-
faced man.
``The devil! Moggridge
again!'' he muttered.
For a moment he thought
they vere going to pass unobserved: then the man turned his head their way, and
Mr Bunker saw him start. He never looked over his shoulder, but after walking a
little farther he called the Baron's attention to a shop window, and they stopped
to look at it. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Moggridge about twenty yards
behind them stopping too. He was glancing towards them very doubtfully.
Evidently his mind was not yet made up, and at once Mr Bunker's fertile brain
began to revolve plans.
A little farther on
they paused before another window, and exactly the same thing happened. Then Mr
Bunker made up his mind. He looked carefully at the cabs, and at last observed
a smart-looking young man driving a fresh likely horse at a walking pace beside
the pavement.
He caught the driver's
eye and raised his stick, and turning suddenly to the Baron with a gesture of
annoyance, exclaimed, ``Forgive my rudeness, Baron, I'm afraid I must leave
you. I had clean forgotten an important engagement in the city for this
afternoon.''
``Appointment in ze
city?'' said the Baron in considerable surprise. ``I did not know you had
friends in ze city.''
``I have just heard
from my father's man of business, and I'm afraid it would be impolitic not to
see him. Do you mind if I leave you here?''
``Surely, my dear
fellow, I vould not stop you. Already I feel at home by myself.''
``Then we shall meet at
the hotel before dinner. Good luck with the ladies, Baron.''
Mr Bunker jumped into
the cab, saying only to the driver, ``To the city, as quick as you can.''
``What part, sir?''
``Oh, say the Bank.
Hurry up!''
Then as the man whipped
up, Mr Bunker had a glimpse of Moggridge hailing another cab, and peeping cautiously
through the little window at the back he saw him starting in hot pursuit. He
took five shillings out of his pocket and opened the trap-door in the roof.
``Do you see that other
cab chasing us, with a red- faced man inside?''
``Yes, sir.''
Mr Bunker handed his
driver the money.
``Get rid of him, then.
Take me anywhere through the city you like, and when he's off the scent let me
know.''
``Very good, sir,''
replied the driver, cracking his whip till his steed began to move past the
buses and the other cabs like a train.
On they flew, clatter
and jingle, twisting like a snipe through the traffic. Mr Bunker perceived that
he had a good horse and a good driver, and he smiled in pleasant excitement. He
lit a cigar, leaned his arms on the doors, and settled himself to enjoy the
race.
The black lions of
Trafalgar Square flew by, then the colossal hotels of Northumberland Avenue and
the railway bridge at Charing Cross, and they were going at a gallop along the
Embankment. He got swift glimpses of other cabs and foot-passengers, the trees
seemed to flit past like telegraph-posts on a railway, the barges and lighters
on the river dropped one by one behind them: it was a fair course for a race,
with never a check before Blackfriar's Bridge.
As they turned into
Queen Victoria Street he opened the lid and asked, ``Are they still in sight?''
``Yes, sir; I'm afraid
we ain't gaining much yet. But I'll do it, sir, no fears.''
Mr Bunker lay back and
laughed.
``This is better than
the Park,'' he said to himself.
They had a fine drive
up Queen Victoria Street before they plunged into the whirlpool of traffic at
the Bank. They were slowly making their way across when the driver, spying an
opening in another stream, abruptly wheeled round for Cornhill, and presently
they were off again at top speed.
``Thrown them off?''
asked Mr Bunker.
``Tried to, sir, but
they were too sharp and got clear away too.''
Mr Bunker saw that it
was going to be a stern chase, and laughed again. In order that he might not
show ostensibly that he was running away, he resisted the temptation of having
another peep through the back, and resigned himself to the chances of the
chase.
Through and through the
lanes and byways of the city they drove, and after each double the answer from
the box was always the same. The cab behind could not be shaken off.
``Work your way round
to Holborn and try a run west,'' Mr Bunker suggested.
So after a little they
struck Newgate Street, and presently their steed stretched himself again in
Holborn Viaduct.
``Gaining now, cabby?''
``A little, sir, I
think.''
Mr Bunker sat placidly
till they were well along Holborn before he inquired again.
``Can't get rid of 'im
no 'ow. Afride it ain't much good, sir.''
Mr Bunker passed up
five shillings more.
``Keep your tail up.
You'll do it yet,'' he exhorted. ``Try a turn north; you may bother him among
the squares.''
So they doubled north,
and as the evening closed in their wearied horse was lashed through a maze of
monotonous streets and tarnished Bloomsbury Squares. And still the other cab
stuck to their trail. But when they emerged on the Euston Road, Mr Bunker was
as cheerful as ever.
``They can't last much
longer,'' he said to his driver. ``Turn up Regent's Park way.''
A little later he put
the usual question and got the same unvarying answer.
The horse was evidently
beginning to fail, and he saw that this chariot-race must soon come to an end.
The street-lamps and the shop windows were all lit up by this time, and the
dusk was pretty thick. It seemed to him that he might venture to try his luck
on foot, and he began to look out for an opening where a cab could not follow.
They were flogging
along a noisy stone-paved road where there was little other traffic; on one side
stood an unbroken row of houses, and on the other were small semi-detached
villas with little strips of garden about them. All at once he saw a doctor's
red lamp over the door of one of these half villas, and an inspiration came
upon him.
``One can always visit
a doctor,'' he said to himself, and smiled in great amusement at something in
the reflection.
He stopped the cab,
handed the man half a sovereign, and saying only, ``Drive away again,
quickly,'' jumped out, glanced at the name on the plate, and pulled the bell.
As he waited on the step he saw the other cab stop a little way back, and his
pursuer emerge.
A frowsy little servant
opened the door.
``Is Dr Twiddel at
home?'' he asked.
``Dr Twiddel's abroad,
sir,'' said the maid.
``No one in at all,
then?''
``Dr Billson sees 'is
patients, sir--w'en there his any.''
``When do you expect Dr
Billson?''
``In about an hour,
sir, 'e usually comes hin.''
``Excellent!'' thought
Mr Bunker. Aloud he said, ``Well, I'm a patient. I'll come in and wait.''
He stepped in, and the
door banged behind him.
``This w'y, sir,'' said
the maid, and Mr Bunker found himself in the little room where this story
opened.
The moment he was alone
he went to the window and peeped cautiously between the slats of the venetian
blind.
The street was quiet,
both cabs had disappeared, and for a minute or two he could see nothing even of
Moggridge. Then a figure moved carefully from the shelter of a bush a little
way down the railings, and, after a quick look at the house, stepped back
again.
``He means to play the
waiting game,'' said Mr Bunker to himself. ``Long may you wait, my wary
Moggridge!''
He took a rapid survey
of the room. He saw the medical library, the rented furniture, and the unlit
gas- stove; and at last his eye fell upon a box of cigarettes. To one of these
he helped himself and leaned his back against the mantelpiece.
``There must be at
least one room at the back,'' he reflected; ``that room must have a window, and
beyond that window there is all London to turn to. Friend Moggridge, I trust
you are prepared to spend the evening behind your bush.''
He had another look
through the blind and shook his head.
``A little too light
yet,--I'd better wait for a quarter of an hour or so.''
To while away the time
he proceeded to make a tour of the room, for, as he said to himself, when in an
unknown country any information may possibly come in useful. There was nothing
whatever from which he could draw even the most superficial deduction till he
came to the writing-desk. Here a heap of bills were transfixed by a long
skewer, and at his first glance at the uppermost his face assumed an expression
of almost ludicrous bewilderment. He actually rubbed his eyes before he looked
a second time.
``One dozen shirts,''
he read, ``four under-flannels, four pair socks, one dozen handkerchiefs, two
sleeping- suits--marked Francis Beveridge! the account rendered to Dr G.
Twiddel! What in the name of wonderment is the meaning of this?''
He sat down with the
bill in his hand and gazed hard at it.
``Precisely my
outfit,'' he said to himself.
``Am I--Does it? What a
rum thing!''
He sat for about ten
minutes looking hard at the door. Then he burst out laughing, resumed in a
moment his air of philosophical opportunism, and set about a further search of
the desk. He looked at the bills and seemed to find nothing more to interest him.
Then he glanced at one or two letters in the drawers, threw the first few back
again, and at last paused over one.
``Twiddel to Billson,''
he said to himself. ``This may possibly be worth looking at.''
It was dated more than
a month back from the town of Fogelschloss.
``Dear Tom,'' it ran, ``we are
having an A 1 time. Old Welsh is in splendid form, doing the part to
perfection. He has never given himself away yet, not even when drunk, which, I
am sorry to say, he has been too often. But then old Welsh is so funny when he
is drunk that it makes him all the more like the original, or at least what the
original is supposed to be.
``Of course we don't
dare to venture into places where we would see too many English. This is quite
an amusing place for a German town, some baths and a kind of a gambling-table,
and some pretty girls--for Germans. There is a sporting aristocrat here, in an
old castle, who is very friendly, and is much impressed with Welsh's account of
his family plate and deer-forest, and has asked us once or twice to come out
and see him. We are no end of swells, I assure you.
``Ta, ta, old chap.
Hope the practice prospers in your hands. Don't kill all the patients before I
come back.--Ever thine,
GEORGE TWIDDEL. ``From
this I conclude that Dr Twiddel is on the festive side of forty,'' he
reflected; ``there are elements of mystery and a general atmosphere of alcohol
about it, but that's all, I'm afraid.''
He put it back in the
drawer, but the bill he slipped into his pocket.
``And now,'' thought
he, ``it is time I made the first move.''
After waiting for a
minute or two to make sure that everything was quiet, he gently stepped out
into a little linoleum-carpeted hall. On the right hand was the front door, on
the left two others that must, he thought, open into rooms on the back. He
chose the nearer at a venture, and entered boldly. It was quite dark. He closed
the door again softly, struck a match, and looked round the room. It seemed to
be Dr Twiddel's dining- and sitting-room.
``Pipes, photographs,
well-sat-in chairs,'' he observed, ``and a window.''
He pulled aside the
blind and looked out into the darkness of a strip of back-garden. For a minute
he listened intently, but no sound came from the house. Then he threw up the
sash and scrambled out. It was quite dark by this time: he was enclosed between
two rows of vague, black houses, with bright windows here and there, and
chimney-cans faintly cutting their uncouth designs among a few pale London
stars. The space between was filled with the two lines of little gardens and
the ranks of walls, and in the middle the black chasm of a railway cutting.
A frightened cat bolted
before him as he hurried down to the foot of the strip, but that was all the
life he saw. He looked over the wall right into the deep crevasse. A little way
off, on the one hand, hung a cluster of signal- lights, and the shining rails
reflected them all along to the mouth of a tunnel on the other. Turning his
head this way and that, there was nothing to be seen anywhere else but garden
wall after garden wall.
``It's a choice between
a hurdle-race through these gardens, a cat-walk along this wall, and a descent
into the cutting,'' he reflected. ``The walls look devilish high and the
cutting devilish deep. Hang me if I know which road to take.''
While he was still
debating this somewhat perplexing question, he felt the ground begin to quiver
under him. Through the hum of London there gradually arose a louder roar, and
in a minute the head-lights of an engine flashed out of the tunnel. One after
another a string of bright carriages followed it, each more slowly than the
carriage in front, till the whole train was at a standstill below him with the
red signal-lamp against it.
In an instant his
decision was taken. At the peril of life and garments he scrambled down the
rocky bank, picking as he went an empty first-class compartment, and just as
the train began to move again he swung himself up and sprang into a carriage.
Unfortunately he had
chosen the wrong one in his haste, and as he opened the door he saw a comical
vision of a stout little old gentleman huddling into the farther corner in the
most dire consternation.
``Who are you, sir?
What do you want, sir?'' spluttered the old gentleman. ``If you come any nearer
me, sir--one step, sir!--I shall instantly communicate with the guard! I have
no money about me. Go away, sir!''
``I regret to learn
that you have no money,'' replied Mr Bunker, imperturbably; ``but I am sorry
that I am not at present in a condition to offer a loan.''
He sat down and smiled
amicably, but the little gentleman was not to be quieted so easily. Seeing that
no violence was apparently intended, his fright changed into respectable
indignation.
``You needn't try to be
funny with me, sir. You are committing an illegal act. You have placed yourself
in an uncommonly serious position, sir.''
``Indeed, sir?''
replied Mr Bunker. ``I myself should have imagined that by remaining on the
rails I should have been much more seriously situated.''
The old gentleman
looked at him like an angry small dog that longs to bite if it only dared.
``What is the meaning
of this illegal intrusion?'' he demanded. ``Who are you? Where did you come
from?''
``I had the misfortune,
sir,'' explained Mr Bunker, politely, ``to drop my hat out of the window of a
neighbouring carriage. While I was picking it up the train started, and I had
to enter the first compartment I could find. I am sorry that my entry
frightened you.''
``Frightened me!''
spluttered the old gentleman. ``I am not afraid, sir. I am an honest man who
need fear no one, sir. I do not believe you dropped your hat. It is perfectly
uninjured.''
``It may be news to
you, sir,'' replied Mr Bunker, ``that by gently yet firmly passing the sleeve
of your coat round your hat in the direction of the nap, it is possible to
restore the gloss. Thus,'' and suiting the action to the word he took off his
hat, drew his coat-sleeve across it, and with a genial smile at the old
gentleman, replaced it on his head.
But his neighbour was
evidently of that truculent disposition which merely growls at blandishments.
He snorted and replied testily, ``That is all very well, sir, but I don't
believe a word of it.''
``If you prefer it,
then, I fell off the telegraph wires in an attempt to recover my boots.''
The old gentleman
became purple in the face.
``Have a care, sir! I
am a director of this company, and at the next station I shall see that you
give a proper account of yourself. And here we are, sir. I trust you have a
more credible story in readiness.''
As he spoke they drew
up beside an underground platform, and the irascible old gentleman, with a very
threatening face that was not yet quite cleared of alarm, bustled out in a
prodigious hurry. Mr Bunker lay back in his seat and replied with a smile, ``I
shall be delighted to tell any story within the bounds of strict propriety.''
But the moment he saw
the irate director disappear in the crowd he whipped out too, and with the
least possible delay transferred himself into a third-class carriage.
From his seat near the
window he watched the old gentleman hurry back with three officials at his
heels, and hastily search each first-class compartment in turn. The last one
was so near him that he could hear his friend say, ``Damn it, the rascal has
bolted in the crowd!'' And with that the four of them rushed off to the barrier
to intercept or pursue this suspicious character. Then the whistle blew, and as
the train moved off Mr Bunker remarked complacently, if a little mysteriously,
to himself, ``Well, whoever I am, it would seem I'm rather difficult to
catch.''
Mr Bunker arrived at
the Hôtel Mayonaise in what, from his appearance, was an unusually reflective
state of mind for him. The other visitors, many of whom had begun to regard him
and his noble friend with great interest, saw him pass through the crowd in the
hall and about the lifts with a thoughtful air. He went straight to the Baron's
room. Outside the door he paused for an instant to set his face in a cheerful
smile, and then burst gaily in upon his friend.
``Well, my dear
Baron!'' he cried, ``what luck in the Park?''
The Baron was pulling
his moustache over an English novel. He laid down his book and frowned at Mr
Bunker.
``I do not onderstand
your English vays,'' he replied.
Mr Bunker perceived
that something was very much amiss, nor was he without a suspicion of the
cause. He laughed, however, and asked, ``What's the matter, old man?''
``I vent to ze Park,''
said the Baron, with a solemn deliberation that evidently came hardly to him.
``I entered ze Park. I vas dressed, as you know, viz taste and appropriety. I
vas sober, as you know. I valked under ze trees, and I looked agreeably at ze
people. Goddam!''
``My dear Baron!''
expostulated Mr Bunker.
The Baron resumed his
intense composure with a great effort.
``Not long vas ven I
see ze Lady Hilton drive past mit ze ozzer Lady Hilton and vun old lady. I
raise my hat--no bow from zem. `Pairhaps,' I zink, `zey see me not.' Zey stop
by ze side to speak viz a gentleman. I gomed up and again I raise my hat and I
say, `How do you do, Lady Hilton? I hope you are regovered from ze dance.' Zat
was gorrect, vas it not?''
``Perfectly,'' replied
Mr Bunker, with great gravity.
``Zen vy did ze Lady
Hilton schream and ze ozzer Lady Hilton cry, `Ach, zat German man!' And vy did
ze old lady schream to ze gentleman, `Send him avay! How dare you? Insolence!'
and suchlike vords?''
``What remarkable
conduct, my dear Baron!'' said Mr Bunker.
``Remargable!'' roared
the justly incensed Baron. ``Is it not more zan remargable? Donner und blitzen!
Mon Dieu! Blood! I know not ze English vord so bad enoff for soch conduct.''
``It must have been a
joke,'' his friend suggested, soothingly.
``Vun dashed bad joke,
zen! Ze gentleman said to me, `Get out of zis, you rasgal!' `Vat mean you,
sare?' say I. `You know quite vell,' said he. `Glear out!' So I gave him my
card and tell him I would be glad to see his frient zat he should send, for zat
I vas not used to be called zo. Zen I raise my hat to ze Lady Hilton and say,
`Adieu, madame, I know now ze English lady,' and I valk on. Himmel!''
``What a very
extraordinary affair, Baron!''
The Baron grunted with
inarticulate indignation and nearly pulled his moustache out by the roots.
Abruptly he broke out again, ``English ladies? I do not believe zey are ladies!
Never haf I been treated zo! Vat do you mean, Bonker, by taking me among soch
peoples?''
``I, my dear Baron? It
was not I who introduced you to the Hiltons. I never saw them before.''
The difficulty of
attaching any blame to his friend seemed to have anything but a soothing effect
on the Baron. You could almost fancy that you heard his tail lash the floor.
``Zat vas not all,'' he
continued, after a short struggle with his wrath. ``I valked on, and soon I see
two of ze frients I made last night at supper.''
``Which two?''
``Ze yong man zat spoke
to you ven you rise from ze table, and vun of ze ladies. Again I raise my hat
and say, `How do you do? I hope zat you are regovered from ze dance.' Zat is
gorrect, you say?''
``Under most
circumstances.''
``Ze man stared at me,
and ze voman--I vill not say lady--says to him zo zat I can hear, `Zat awful
German!' Ze man says, `Zo it is,' and laughed. `I haf ze pleasure of meeting
you last night at ze Lady Tollyvoddle,' I said. `I remember,' he said; `but I
haf no vish to meet you again.' I take out my card to gif him, but he only
said, `Go avay, or I vill call ze police!' `Ze police! To me, Baron von
Blitzenberg! Teufel!' I replied.''
``And that was all,
Baron?'' asked Mr Bunker, in what seemed rather like a tone of relief.
``No; suddenly he did
turn back and said, `By ze vay, who vas zat viz you last night?' To vich I
replied, `If you address me again, my man, I vill call ze police. Go avay!'''
``Bravo, Baron! Ha, ha,
ha! Excellent!'' laughed Mr Bunker.
This applause served to
reinstate the Baron a little in his own good opinion. He laughed too, though
rather noisily than heartily, and suddenly became grave again.
``Vat means zis,
Bonker? Vat haf I done? Vy should zey treat me zo?''
``Well, you see, my
dear Baron,'' his friend explained, ``I ought to have warned you that it is not
usual in England to address ladies you have met at a dance without some direct
invitation on their part. At the same time, it is evident that the Hiltons and
the other man, who of course must be connected with the Foreign Office, are
aware of some sudden strain in the diplomatic relations between England and
Germany, which as yet is unknown to the public. Your ancient name and your high
rank have naturally led them to conclude that you are an agent of the German
Government, and an international significance was of course attached to your
presence in the Park. I certainly think they took a most outrageous advantage
of a trifling detail of etiquette to repulse you; but then you must remember,
Baron, that their families might have been seriously compromised with the
Government if they had been seen with so prominent a member of the German
aristocracy in the middle of Hyde Park.''
``Zo?'' said the Baron,
thoughtfully. ``I begin to onderstand. My name, as you say, is cairtainly
distinguished. Bot zen should I remain in London?''
``Just what I was
wondering, Baron. What do you say to a trip down to St Egbert's-on-Sea? It's a
very select watering-place, and we might spend a week or two there very
pleasantly.''
``Egxellent!'' said the
Baron; ``ven shall we start?''
``To-morrow morning.''
``Goot! zo let it be. I
am tired of London and of ze English ladies' manners. Police to ze Baron von
Blitzenberg! Ve shall go to St Egbert's, Bonker!''
THE Baron and Mr Bunker
walked arm-in-arm along the esplanade at St Egbert's-on-Sea.
``Aha!'' said the
Baron, ``zis is more fresh zan London!''
``Yes,'' replied his
friend; ``we are now in the presence of that stimulating element which provides
patriotic Britons with music-hall songs, and dyspeptic Britons with an appetite.''
A stirring breeze swept
down the long white esplanade, threatening hats and troubling skirts; the
pale-green south-coast sea rumbled up the shingle; the day was bright and
pleasant for the time of year, and drove the Baron's mischances from his head;
altogether it seemed to Mr Bunker that the omens were good. They were both
dressed in the smartest of tweed suits, and walked jauntily, like men who knew
their own value. Every now and then, as they passed a pretty face, the Baron
would say, ``Aha, Bonker! zat is not so bad, eh?''
And Mr Bunker, who
seemed not unwilling that his friend should find some entertaining distraction
in St Egbert's, would look at the owners of these faces with a prospector's eye
and his own unrivalled assurance.
They had walked up and
down three or four times, when a desire for a different species of diversion
began to overtake the Baron. It was the one kind of desire that the Baron never
even tried to wrestle with.
``My vriend Bonker,''
said he, ``is it not somevere about time for loncheon, eh?''
``I should say it was
precisely the hour.''
``Ha, ha! zen, let us
gom and eat. Himmel, zis sea is ze fellow to make von hungry!''
The Baron had taken a
private suite of rooms on the first floor of the best hotel in St Egbert's, and
after a very substantial lunch Mr Bunker stretched himself on the luxurious
sitting-room sofa and announced his intention of having a nap.
``I shall go out,''
said the Baron. ``You vill not gom?''
``I shall leave you to
make a single-handed conquest,'' replied Mr Bunker. ``Besides, I have a little
matter I want to look into.''
So the Baron arranged
his hat airily, at what he had perceived to be the most fashionable and
effective English angle, and strutted off to the esplanade.
It was about two hours
later that he burst excitedly into the room, crying, ``Aha, mine Bonker! I haf
disgovered zomzing!'' and then he stopped in some surprise. ``Ello, vat make
you, my vriend?''
His friend, in fact,
seemed to be somewhat singularly employed. Through a dense cloud of
tobacco-smoke you could just pick him out of the depths of an armchair, his
feet resting on the mantelpiece, while his lap and all the floor round about
were covered with immense books. The Baron's curiosity was still further
excited by observ- ing that they consisted principally of a London and a St
Egbert's directory, several volumes of a Dictionary of National Biography, and
one or two peerages and county family compilations.
He looked up with a
smile. ``You may well wonder, my dear Baron. The fact is, I am looking for a
name.''
``A name! vat name?''
``Alas! if I knew what
it was I should stop looking, and I confess I'm rather sick of the job.''
``Vich vay do you look,
zen?''
``Simply by wading my
way through all the lists of names I could steal or borrow. It's devilish dry
work.''
``Ze name of a vriend,
is it?''
``Yes; but I'm afraid I
must wait till it comes. And what is this discovery, Baron? A petticoat, I
presume. After all, they are the only things worth finding,'' and he shut the
books one after another.
``A petticoat with ze
fairest girl inside it!'' exclaimed the Baron, rapturously.
``Your eyes seem to
have been singularly penetrating, Baron. Was she dark or fair, tall or short,
fat or slender, widow, wife, or maid?''
``Fair, viz blue eyes,
short pairhaps but not too short, slender as a-a-drom-stick, and I vould say a
maid; at least I see vun stout old lady mit her, mozzer and daughter I
soppose.''
``And did this piece of
perfection seem to appreciate you?''
``Vy should I know? Zey
are ze real ladies and pair tend not to see me, bot I zink zey notice me all ze
same. Not `lady vriends,' Bonker, ha, ha, ha!''
Mr Bunker laughed with
reminiscent amusement, and inquired, ``And how did the romance end--in a cab,
Baron?''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' laughed
the Baron; `` better zan zat, Bonker--moch better!''
Mr Bunker raised his
eyebrows.
``It's hardly the time
of year for a romance to end in a bathing-machine. You followed the divinity to
her rented heaven, perhaps?''
The Baron bent forward
and answered in a stage whisper, ``Zey live in zis hotel, Bonker!''
``Then I can only wish
you joy, Baron, and if my funds allow me, send her a wedding present.''
``Ach, not quite so
fast, my vriend! I am not caught so easy.''
``My dear fellow, a
week at close quarters is sufficient to net any man.''
``Ven I marry,''
replied the Baron, ``moch most be considered. A von Blitzenberg does not mate
viz every vun.''
``A good many families
have made the same remark, but one does not always meet the fathers-in-law.''
``Ha, ha! ve shall see.
Bot, Bonker, she is lofly!''
The Baron awaited
dinner with even more than his usual ardour. He dressed with the greatest care,
and at an absurdly early hour was already urging his friend to come down and
take their places. Indeed after a time there was no withholding him, and they finally
took their seats in the dining-room before anybody else.
At what seemed to the
impatient Baron unconscionably long intervals a few people dropped in and began
to study their menus and glance with an air of uncomfortable suspicion at their
neighbours.
``I vonder vill she
gom,'' he said three or four times at least.
``Console yourself, my
dear Baron,'' his friend would reply; ``they always come. That's seldom the
difficulty.''
And the Baron would
dally with his victuals in the most unwonted fashion, and growl at the rapidity
with which the courses followed one another.
``Do zey suppose ve
vish to eat like----?'' he began, and then laying his hand on his friend's
sleeve, he whispered, ``She goms!''
Mr Bunker turned his
head just in time to see in the doorway the Countess of Grillyer and the Lady
Alicia à Fyre.
``Is she not fair?''
asked the Baron, excitedly.
``I entirely approve of
your taste, Baron. I have only once seen any one quite like her before.''
With a gratified smile
the Baron filled his glass, while his friend seemed amused by some humorous
reflection of his own.
The Lady Alicia and her
mother had taken their seats at a table a little way off, and at first their
eyes never happened to turn in the direction of the two friends. But at last,
after looking at the ceiling, the carpet, the walls, the other people,
everything else in the room it seemed, Lady Alicia's glance fell for an instant
on the Baron. That nobleman looked as interesting as a mouthful of roast duck
would permit him, but the glance passed serenely on to Mr Bunker. For a moment
it remained serene; suddenly it became startled and puzzled, and at that
instant Mr Bunker turned his own eyes full upon her, smiled slightly, and
raised his glass to his lips.
The glance fell, and
the Lady Alicia blushed down to the diamonds in her necklace.
The Baron insisted on
lingering over his dinner till the charmer was finished, and so by a fortuitous
coincidence they left the room immediately behind the Countess. The Baron
passed them in the passage, and a few yards farther he looked round for his
friend, and the Countess turned to look for her daughter.
They saw Lady Alicia
following with an intensely unconscious expression, while Mr Bunker was in the
act of returning to the dining-room.
``I wanted to secure a
table for breakfast,'' he explained.
The Baron was in high
hopes of seeing the fair unknown at breakfast, but it seemed she must be either
breakfasting in her own room or lying long abed.
``I think I shall go
out for a little constitutional,'' said Mr Bunker, when he had finished. ``I
suppose the hotel has a stronger attraction for you.''
``Ach, yes, I shall
remain,'' his friend replied. ``Pairhaps I may see zem.''
``Take care then,
Baron!''
``I shall not propose
till you return, Bonker!''
``No,'' said Mr Bunker
to himself, ``I don't think you will.''
Just outside St
Egbert's there is a high breezy sweep of downs, falling suddenly to a chalky
seaward cliff. It overlooks the town and the undulating inland country and a
great spread of shining sea; and even without a spy-glass you can see sail
after sail and smoke-wreath after smoke-wreath go by all day long.
But Mr Bunker had
apparently walked there for other reasons than to see the view. He did stop
once or twice, but it was only to scan the downs ahead, and at the sight of a
fluttering skirt he showed no interest in anything else, but made a straight
line for its owner. For her part, the lady seemed to await his coming. She
gathered her countenance into an expression of as perfect unconcern as a little
heightening of her colour would allow her, and returned his salute with rather
a distant bow. But Mr Bunker was not to be damped by this hint of barbed wire.
He held out his hand and exclaimed cordially, ``My dear Lady Alicia! this is
charming of you!''
``Of course you
understand, Mr Beveridge, it's only----''
``Perfectly,'' he
interrupted, gaily; ``I understand everything I should and nothing I shouldn't.
In fact, I have altered little, except in the trifling matter of a beard, a
moustache or two, and, by the way, a name.''
``A name?''
``I am now Francis Bunker,
but as much at your service as ever.''
``But why--I mean, have
you really changed your name?''
``Circumstances have
changed it, just as circumstances shaved me.''
Lady Alicia made a
great endeavour to look haughty. ``I do not quite understand, Mr----''
``Bunker--a temporary
title, but suggestive, and simple for the tradesmen.''
``I do not understand
your conduct. Why have you changed your name?''
``Why not?''
This retort was so
evidently unanswerable that Lady Alicia changed her inquiry.
``Where have you
been?''
``Till yesterday, in
London.''
``Then you didn't go to
your own parish?'' she demanded, reproachfully.
``There were
difficulties,'' he replied; ``in fact, a certified lunatic is not in great
demand as a parish priest. They seem to prefer them uncertified.''
``But didn't you try?''
``Hard, but it was no
use. The bishop was out of town, and I had to wait till his return; besides, my
position was somewhat insecure. I have had at least two remarkable escapes
since I saw you last.''
``Are you safe here?''
she asked, hurriedly.
``With your consent,
yes.''
She looked a little
troubled. ``I don't know that I am doing right, Mr Bev--Bunker, but----''
``Thank you, my
friend,'' he interrupted, tenderly.
``Don't,'' she began,
hastily. ``You mustn't talk like----''
``Francis Beveridge?''
he interrupted. ``The trouble is, this rascal Bunker bears an unconscionably
awkward resemblance to our old friend.''
``You must see that it
is quite--ridiculous.''
``Absurd,'' he agreed,--``perfectly
preposterous. I laugh whenever I think of it!''
Poor Lady Alicia felt
like a man at a telephone who has been connected with the wrong person. Again
she made a desperate shift to fall back on a becoming pride.
``What do you mean?''
she demanded.
``If I mean anything at
all, which is always rather doubtful,'' he replied, candidly, ``I mean that
Beveridge and his humbug were creatures of an occasion, just as Bunker and his
are of another. The one occasion is passed, and with it the first entertaining
gentleman has vanished into space. The second gentleman will doubtless follow
when his time is up. In fact, I may be said to be a series of dissolving
views.''
``Then isn't what you
said true?''
``I'm afraid you must
be more specific; you see I've talked so much.''
``What you said about
yourself--and your work.''
He shook his head
humorously. ``I have no means of checking my statements.''
She looked at him in a
troubled way, and then her eyes fell.
``At least,'' she said,
``you won't--you mustn't treat me as--as you did.''
``As Beveridge did?
Certainly not; Bunker is the soul of circumspection. Besides, he doesn't
require to get out of an asylum.''
``Then it was only to
get away?'' she cried, turning scarlet.
``Let us call it so,''
he replied, looking pensively out to sea.
It seemed wiser to Lady
Alicia to change the subject.
``Who is the friend you
are staying with?'' she asked, suddenly.
``My old friend the
Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg, and your own most recent admirer,'' he replied.
``I am at present living with, in fact I may say upon, him.''
``Does he know?''
``If you meet him, you
had perhaps better not inquire into my past history.''
``I meant, does he know
about--about your knowing me?''
``Bless them!'' thought
Mr Bunker; ``one forgets they're not always thinking about us!''
``My noble friend has
no idea that I have been so fortunate,'' he replied.
Lady Alicia looked
relieved. ``Who is he?'' she asked.
``A German nobleman of
great wealth, long descent, and the most accommodating disposition. He is at
present exploring England under my guidance, and I flatter myself that he has
already seen and done a number of things that are not on most programmes.''
Lady Alicia was silent
for a minute. Then she said with a little hesitation, ``Didn't you get a letter
from me?''
``A letter? No,'' he
replied, in some surprise.
``I wrote
twice--because you asked me to, and I thought--I wondered if you were safe.''
``To what address did
you write?''
``The address you gave
me.''
``And what was that?''
he asked, still evidently puzzled.
``You said care of the
Archbishop of York would find you.''
Mr Bunker abruptly
looked the other way.
``By Jove!'' he said,
as if lost in speculation, ``I must find out what the matter was. I can't
imagine why they haven't been forwarded.''
Lady Alicia appeared a
little dissatisfied.
``Was that a real
address?'' she asked, suddenly.
``Perfectly,'' he
replied; ``as real as Pentonville Jail or the House of Commons.'' (``And as
likely to find me,'' he added to himself.)
Lady Alicia seemed to
hesitate whether to pursue the subject further, but in the middle of her debate
Mr Bunker asked, ``By the way, has Lady Grillyer any recollection of having
seen me before?''
``No, she doesn't
remember you at all.''
``Then we shall meet as
strangers?''
``Yes, I think it would
be better; don't you?''
``It will save our
imaginations certainly.''
Lady Alicia looked at
him as though she expected something more; but as nothing came, she said, ``I
think it's time I went back.''
``For the present then
au revoir, my dear Alicia. I beg your pardon, Lady Alicia; it was that rascal
Beveridge who made the slip. It now remains to make your formal acquaintance.''
``You--you mustn't
try!''
``The deuce is in these
people beginning with B!'' he laughed. ``They seem to do things without
trying.''
He pressed her hand,
raised his hat, and started back to the town. She, on her part, lingered to let
him get a clear start of her, and her blue eyes looked as though a breeze had
blown across and ruffled them.
Mr Bunker had reached
the esplanade, and was sauntering easily back towards the hotel, looking at the
people and smiling now and then to himself, when he observed with considerable
astonishment two familiar figures strolling towards him. They were none other
than the Baron and the Countess, engaged in animated conversation, and
apparently on the very best terms with each other. At the sight of him the
Baron beamed joyfully.
``Aha, Bonker, so you
haf returned!'' he cried. ``In ze meanvile I haf had vun great good fortune.
Let me present my friend Mr Bonker, ze Lady Grillyer.''
The Countess bowed most
graciously, and raising a pair of tortoise-shell-rimmed eye-glasses mounted on
a stem of the same material, looked at Mr Bunker through these with a by no
means disapproving glance.
At first sight it was
evident that Lady Alicia must ``take after'' her noble father. The Countess was
aquiline of nose, large of person, and emphatic in her voice and manner.
``You are the
`showman,' Mr Bunker, are you not?'' she said, with a smile for which many of
her acquaintances would have given a tolerable percentage of their incomes.
``It seems,'' replied
Mr Bunker, smiling back agreeably, ``that the Baron is now the showman, and I
must congratulate him on his first venture.''
For an instant the
Countess seemed a trifle taken aback. It was a considerable number of years
since she had been addressed in precisely this strain, and in fact at no time
had her admirers ventured quite so dashingly to the attack. But there was
something entirely irresistible in Mr Bunker's manner, partly perhaps because
he never made the mistake of heeding a first rebuff. The Countess coughed, then
smiled a little again, and said to the Baron, ``You didn't tell me that your showman
supplied the little speeches as well.''
``I could not know it;
zere has not before been ze reason for a pretty speech,'' responded the Baron,
gallantly.
If Lady Grillyer had
been anybody else, one would have said that she actually giggled. Certainly a
little wave of scandalised satisfaction rippled all over her.
``Oh, really!'' she
cried, ``I don't know which of you is the worst offender.''
All this time, as may
be imagined, Mr Bunker had been in a state of high mystification at his
friend's unusual adroitness.
``How the deuce did he
get hold of her?'' he said to himself.
In the next pause the
Baron solved the riddle.
``You vil vunder,
Bonker,'' he said, ``how I did gom to know ze Lady Grillyer.''
``I envied,
certainly,'' replied his friend, with a side glance at the now purring
Countess.
``She vas of my
introdogtions, bot till after you vent out zis morning I did not lairn her
name. Zen I said to myself, `Ze sun shines, Himmel is kind! Here now is ze fair
Lady Grillyer--my introdogtion!' and zo zat is how, you see.''
``To think of the Baron
being here and our only finding each other out by chance!'' said the Countess.
``By a fortunate
providence for me!'' exclaimed the Baron, fervently.
``Baron,'' said the
Countess, trying hard to look severe, ``you must really keep some of these nice
speeches for my daughter. Which reminds me, I wonder where she can be?''
``Ach, here she goms!''
cried the Baron.
``Why, how did you know
her?'' asked the Countess.
``I--I did see her last
night at dinnair,'' explained the Baron, turning red.
``Ah, of course, I
remember,'' replied the Countess, in a matter-of-fact tone; but her motherly
eye was sharp, and already it began to look on the highly eligible Rudolph with
more approval than ever.
``My daughter Alicia,
the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg, Mr Bunker,'' she said the next moment.
The Baron went nearly
double as he bowed, and the flourish of his hat stirred the dust on the
esplanade. Mr Bunker's salutation was less profound, but his face ex pressed an
almost equal degree of interested respect. Her mother thought that when one of
the gentlemen was a nobleman with an indefinite number of thousands a-year and
the other a person of so much discrimination, Lady Alicia's own bow might have
been a trifle less reserved. But then even the most astute mother cannot know
the reasons for everything.
``Alicia,'' said the
Countess, ``it was really a most fortunate coincidence our meeting the Baron at
St Egbert's.''
She paused for a reply
and looked expectantly at her daughter. It was not the first time in the course
of the morning that Lady Alicia had listened to similar observations, and
perhaps that was why she answered somewhat listlessly, ``Yes, wasn't it?''
The Countess frowned,
and continued with emphasis, ``I consider him one of the most agreeable and
best informed young men I have ever met.''
``Is he?'' said Lady
Alicia, absently.
``I wonder, Alicia, you
hadn't noticed it,'' her mother observed, severely; ``you talked with him most
of the afternoon. I should have thought that no observant, well-bred girl would
have failed to have been struck with his air and conversation.''
``I--I thought him very
pleasant, mamma.''
``I am glad you had so
much sense. He is extremely pleasant.''
As Lady Alicia made no
reply, the Countess felt obliged to continue his list of virtues herself.
``He is of most
excellent family, Alicia, one of the oldest in Bavaria. I don't remember what I
heard his income was in pfennigs, or whatever they measure money by in Germany,
but I know that it is more than £20,000 a-year in English money. A very large
sum nowadays,'' she added, as if £20,000 had grown since she was a girl.
``Yes, mamma.''
``He is considered,
besides, an unusually promising and intelligent young nobleman, and in Germany,
where noblemen are still constantly used, that says a great deal for him.''
``Does it, mamma?''
``Certainly it does.
Education there is so severe that young Englishmen are beginning to know less
than they ever did, and in most cases that isn't saying much. Compare the Baron
with the young men you meet here!''
She looked at her
daughter triumphantly, and Alicia could only reply, ``Yes, mamma?''
``Compare them and see
the difference. Look at the Baron's friend, Mr Bunker, who is a very agreeable
and amusing man, I admit, but look at the difference!''
``What is it?'' Alicia
could not help asking.
``What is it, Alicia!
It is--ah--it's-- er--it is, in short, the effect of a carefully cultivated
mind and good blood.''
``But don't you think
Mr Bunker cultivated, mamma-- and--and--well--bred?''
``He has an amusing way
of saying things,--but then you must remember that the Baron is doubtless
equally entertaining in his native language,--and possibly a superficial
knowledge of a few of the leading questions of the day; but the Baron talked to
me for half an hour on the relations of something or other in Germany to--
er--something else--a very important point, I assure you.''
``I always thought him
very clever,'' said Lady Alicia with a touch of warmth, and then instantly
changed colour at the horrible slip.
``You always,'' said
the Countess in alarmed astonishment; ``you hardly spoke to him yesterday,
and--had you met him before?''
``I--I meant the Baron,
mamma.''
``But I have just been
saying that he was unusually clever.''
``But I thought, I mean
it seemed as though you considered him only well informed.''
Lady Alicia's blushes
and confusion deepened. Her mother looked at her with a softening eye. Suddenly
she rose, kissed her affectionately, and said with the tenderness of triumph,
``My dear girl! Of course he is; clever, well informed, and a most desirable
young man. My Alicia could not do----''
She stopped, as if she
thought this was perhaps a little premature (though the Countess's methods
inclined to the summary and decisive), and again kissing her daughter
affectionately, remarked gaily, ``Let me see, why, it's almost time we went for
our little walk! We mustn't really disappoint those young men. I am in the
middle of such an amusing discussion with Mr Bunker, who is really a very
sensible man and quite worthy of the Baron's judgment.''
Poor Lady Alicia hardly
knew whether to feel more relieved at her escape or dismayed at the
construction put upon her explanation. She went out to meet the Baron,
determined to give no further colour to her mother's unlucky misconception. The
Countess was far too experienced and determined a general to leave it at all
doubtful who should walk by whose side, and who should have the opportunity of
appreciating whose merits, but Lady Alicia was quite resolved that the Baron's
blandishments should fall on stony ground.
But a soft heart and an
undecided mouth are treacherous companions. The Baron was so amiable and so
gallant, that at the end of half an hour she was obliged to abate the
strictness of her resolution. She should treat him with the friendliness of a
brother. She learned that he had no sisters: her decision was confirmed.
The enamoured and
delighted Baron was in the seventh heaven of happy loquacity. He poured out
particulars of his travels, his more recordable adventures, his opinions on
various social and political matters, and at last even of the family ghost, the
hereditary carpet-beatership, and the glories of Bavaria. And Lady Alicia
listened with what he could not doubt was an interest touched with tenderness.
``I wonder,'' she said,
artlessly, ``that you find anything to admire in England--compared with
Bavaria, I mean.''
``Two zings I haf not
zere,'' replied the Baron, waving his hand round towards the horizon. ``Vun is
ze vet sheet of flowing sea--says not your poet so? Ze ozzer'' (laying his hand
on his heart) ``is ze Lady Alicia à Fyre.''
There are some people
who catch sentiment whenever it happens to be in the air, just as others almost
equally unfortunate regularly take hay-fever.
Lady Alicia's reply was
much softer than she intended, especially as she could have told anybody that
the Baron's compliment was the merest figure of speech.
``You needn't have
included me: I'm sure I'm not a great attraction.''
``Ze sea is less, so
zat leaves none,'' the Baron smiled.
``Didn't you see
anybody--I mean, anything in London that attracted you--that you liked?''
``Zat I liked, yes, zat
pairhaps for the moment attracted me; but not zat shall still attract me ven I
am gone avay.''
The Baron sighed this
time, and she felt impelled to reply, with the most sisterly kindness, ``I--we
should, of course, like to think that you didn't forget us alto- gether.''
``You need not fear.''
Then Lady Alicia began
to realise that this was more like a second cousin than a brother, and with
sudden sprightliness she cried, ``I wonder where that steamer's going!''
The Baron turned his
eyes towards his first-named attraction, but for a professed lover of the ocean
his interest appeared slight. He only replied absently, ``Ach, zo?''
A little way behind
them walked Mr Bunker and the Countess. The attention of Lady Grillyer was
divided between the agreeable conversation of her companion and the pleasant
spectacle of a fabulous number of pfennigs a-year bending its titled head over
her daughter. In the middle of one of Mr Bunker's most amusing stories she
could not forbear interrupting with a complacent ``they do make a very handsome
couple!''
Mr Bunker politely
stopped his narrative, and looked critically from his friend's gaily checked
back to Lady Alicia's trim figure.
``Pray go on with your
story, Mr Bunker,'' said the Countess, hastily, realising that she had thought
a little too loudly.
``They are like,''
responded Mr Bunker; replying to her first remark--``they are like a pair of
gloves.''
The Countess raised her
brows and looked at him sharply.
``I mean, of course,
the best quality.''
``I think,'' said the
Countess, suspiciously, ``that you spoke a little carelessly.''
``My simile was a little
premature?''
``I think so,'' said
the Countess, decisively.
``Let us call them then
an odd pair,'' smiled Mr Bunker, unruffled; ``and only hope that they'll turn
out to be the same size and different hands.''
The Countess actually
condescended to smile back.
``She is a dear
child,'' she murmured.
``His income, I think,
is sufficient,'' he answered.
Humour was not
conspicuous in the Grillyer family. The Countess replied seriously, ``I am one
of those out- of-date people, Mr Bunker, who consider some things come before
money, but the Baron's birth and position are fortunately unimpeachable.''
``While his mental
qualities,'' said Mr Bunker, ``are, in my experience, almost unique.''
The Countess was confirmed
in her opinion of Mr Bunker's discrimination.
Late that night, after
they had parted with their friends, the Baron smoked in the most unwonted
silence while Mr Bunker dozed on the sofa. Several times Rudolph threw restive
glances at his friend, as if he had something on his mind that he needed a
helping hand to unburden himself of. At last the silence grew so intolerable
that he screwed up his courage and with desperate resolution exclaimed,
``Bonker!''
Mr Bunker opened his
eyes and sat up.
``Bonker, I am in
loff!''
Mr Bunker smiled and
stretched himself out again.
``I have also been in
love,'' he replied.
``You are not now?''
``Alas! no.''
``Vy alas?''
``Because follies
without illusions get so infernally dull, Baron.''
The Baron smiled a
little foolishly.
``I haf ze illusions, I
fear.'' Then he broke out enthusiastically, ``Ach, bot is she not lofly,
Bonker? If she will bot lof me back I shall be ze happiest man out of heaven!''
``You have wasted no
time, Baron.''
The Baron shook his
head in melancholy pleasure.
``You are quite sure it
is really love this time?'' his friend pursued.
``Qvite!'' said the
Baron, with the firmness of a martyr.
``There are so many
imitations.''
``Not so close zat zey
can deceive!''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' laughed
Mr Bunker. ``These first symptoms are common to them all, and yet the varieties
of the disease are almost beyond counting. I myself have suffered from it in
eight different forms. There was the virulent, spotted-all-over variety, known
as calf-love; there was the kind that accompanied itself by a course of the
Restoration dramatists; another form I may call the strayed-Platonic, and that
may be subdivided into at least two; then there was----''
``Schtop! schtop!''
cried the Baron. ``Ha, ha, ha! Zat will do! Teufel! I most examine my heart
strictly. And yet, Bonker, I zink my loff is anozzer kind--ze real!''
``They are all that,
Baron; but have it your own way. Anything I can do to make you worse shall be
done.''
``Zanks, my best of
friends,'' said the Baron, warmly, seizing his hand; ``I knew you would stand
by me!''
Mr Bunker gave a little
laugh, and returning the pressure, replied, ``My dear fellow, I'd do anything
to oblige a friend in such an interesting condition.''
The Baron was a few
minutes late in joining the party at lunch, and when he appeared he held an
open letter in his hand. It was only the middle of the next day, and yet he
could have sworn that last night he was comparatively whole-hearted, he felt so
very much more in love already.
``Yet anozzer
introdogtion has found me out,'' he said as he took his seat. ``I have here a
letter of invitation vich I do not zink I shall accept.''
He threw an amorous
glance at Lady Alicia, which her watchful mother rightly interpreted as
indicating the cause of his intended refusal.
``Who is it this
time?'' asked Mr Bunker.
``Sir Richard Brierley
of Brierley Park, Dampshire. Is zat how you pronounce it?''
``Sir Richard
Brierley!'' exclaimed the Countess; ``why, Alicia and I are going to visit some
relatives of ours who live only six miles from Brierley Park! When has he asked
you, Baron?''
``Ze end of next
week.''
``How odd! We are going
down to Dampshire at the end of next week too. You must accept, Baron!''
``I shall!'' exclaimed
the overjoyed Baron. ``Shall ve go, Bonker?''
``I'm not asked, I'm
afraid.''
``Ach, bot zat is
nozzing. I shall tell him.''
``As you please,
Baron,'' replied Mr Bunker, with a half glance at Lady Alicia.
The infatuated Baron had
already begun to dread the inevitable hour of separation, and this piece of
good fortune put him into the highest spirits. He felt so amiable towards the
whole world that when the four went out for a stroll in the afternoon he
lingered for a minute by Lady Grillyer's side, and in that minute Mr Bunker and
Lady Alicia were out of hail ahead. The Baron's face fell.
``Shall I come down to
this place?'' said Mr Bunker.
``Would you like to?''
``I should be sorry,''
he replied, ``to part with--the Baron.''
Lady Alicia had
expected a slightly different ending to this sentence, and so, to tell the
truth, Mr Bunker had intended.
``Oh, if you can't stay
away from the Baron, you had better go.''
``It is certainly very
hard to tear myself away from so charming a person as the Baron; perhaps you
can feel for me?''
``I think he is
very--nice.''
``He thinks you very
nice.''
``Does he?'' said Lady
Alicia, with great indifference, and a moment later changed the subject.
Meanwhile the Baron was
growing very uneasy. Of course it was quite natural that Mr Bunker should find
it pleasant to walk for a few minutes by the side of the fairest creature on
earth, and very possibly he was artfully pleading his friend's cause. Yet the
Baron felt uneasy. He remembered Mr Bunker's invariable success with the
gentler sex, his wit, his happy smile, and his good looks; and he began to wish
most sincerely that these fascinations were being exercised on the now somewhat
breathless Countess, for his efforts to overtake the pair in front had both
annoyed and exhausted Lady Grillyer.
``Need we walk quite so
fast, Baron?'' she suggested; and Lady Grillyer's suggestions were of the kind
that are evidently meant to be acted upon.
``Ach, I did forged,''
said the Baron, absently, and without further remark he slackened his pace for
a few yards and then was off again.
``You were telling
me,'' gasped the Countess, ``of something you thought of--doing when--you
went--home.''
``Zo? Oh yes, it
vas--Teufel! I do not remember.''
``Really, Baron,'' said
the Countess, decidedly, ``I cannot go any farther at this rate. Let us turn.
The others will be turning too, in a minute.''
In fact the unlucky
Baron had clean run Lady Grillyer's maternal instincts off their feet, and he
suffered for it by seeing nothing of either his friend or his charmer for an
hour and a half.
That night he accepted
Sir Richard's invitation, but said nothing whatever about bringing a friend.
For the next week
Rudolph was in as many states of mind as there were hours in each day. He
walked and rode and drove with Lady Alicia through the most romantic spots he
could find. He purchased a large assortment of golf-clubs, and under her
tuition essayed to play that most dangerous of games for mixed couples. In turn
he broke every club in his set; the cavities he hewed in the links are still
pointed out to the curious; but the heart of the Lady Alicia alone he seemed
unable to damage. There was always a moment at which his courage failed him,
and in that fatal pause she invariably changed the subject with the most
innocent air in the world.
Every now and then the
greenest spasms of jealousy would seize him. Why did she elect to disappear
with Mr Bunker on the very morning that he had resolved should settle his fate?
It is true he had made the same resolution every morning, but on this
particular one he had no doubt he would have put his fate to the touch. And why
on a certain moonlight evening was he left to the unsentimental company of the
Countess?
He made no further
reference to the visit to Brierley Park; in fact he shunned discussion of any
kind with his quondam bosom friend.
The time slipped past,
till the visit to St Egbert's was almost at an end. On the day after to-morrow
all four were going to leave (where Mr Bunker was going, his friend never
troubled to inquire).
They sat together
latish in the evening in the Baron's room. That very afternoon Lady Alicia had
spent more time in Mr Bunker's society than in his, and the Baron felt that the
hour had come for an explanation.
``Bonker, I haf a
suspection!'' he exclaimed, suddenly. ``It is not I, bot you, who are ze friend
to ze beautiful Lady Alicia. You are not doing me fair!''
``My dear Baron!''
``It is so: you are not
doing me fair,'' the Baron reiterated.
``My dear fellow,''
replied Mr Bunker, ``it is you are so much in love that you have lost your
wonted courage. You don't use your chances.''
``I do not get zem.''
``Nonsense, Baron! I
haven't spent one hour in Lady Alicia's company to your twenty-four, and yet if
I'd been matrimonially inclined I could have proposed twice over. You've had
the chance of being accepted fifty times.''
``I haf not been
accepted vunce,'' said the Baron, moodily.
``Have you put the
question?''
``I haf not dared.''
``Well, my dear Baron,
whose fault is that?''
The Baron was silent.
``Ask her to-morrow.''
``No, Bonker,'' said
the Baron, sadly; ``she treats me not like a lover. She talks of friendship. I
do not vish a frient!''
Mr Bunker looked
thoughtfully up at the ceiling. ``You don't think you have touched her heart?''
he asked at length.
``I fear not.''
``You must try an
infallible recipe for winning a woman's heart. You must be in trouble.''
``In trouble!''
``I have tried it once
myself, with great success.''
``Bot how?''
``You must fall ill.''
``Bot I cannot; I am
too healthful, alas!''
Mr Bunker smiled
artfully. ``They come to tea in our rooms to-morrow, you know. By then, Baron,
you must be laid up, ill or not, just as you please. A grain of Lady Alicia's
sympathy is worth more than a ton of even your wit.''
The standard chosen for
the measurement of his wit escaped the Baron, the scheme delighted him.
``Ha, Bonker! schön! I
tvig! Goot!'' he cried. ``How shall ve do?''
``Leave it to me.''
The Baron reflected,
and his smile died away.
``Sopposing,'' he said,
slowly, ``zey find out? Is it vise? Is it straight?''
``They can't find out.
They go the next morning, and what's to prevent your making a quick recovery
and pluckily going down to Brierley Park as the interesting convalescent? She
will know that you've made a dangerous journey on her account.''
The Baron's face
cleared again.
``Let us try!'' he
said; ``anyzing is better zan my present state. Bot, be careful, Bonker!''
``I shall take the most
minute precautions,'' replied Mr Bunker.
The next morning the two
conspirators breakfasted early. The Baron seemed a little nervous now that it
came so near the venture, but his friend was as cheerful as a schoolboy, and
his confident air soon put fresh courage into Rudolph.
Mr Bunker's bedroom
opened out of their common sitting-room, and so he declared that in the
afternoon the Baron must be laid up there.
``Keep your room all
morning,'' he said, ``and look as pale as you can. I shall make my room ready
for you.''
When the Baron had
retired, he threw himself into a chair and gazed for a few minutes round his
bedroom. Then he rang his bell, ordered the servant to make the bed
immediately, and presently went out to do some shopping. On the way he sent
word to the Countess, telling her only that the Baron was indisposed, but that
in spite of this misfortune he hoped he should have the pleasure of their
company at tea. The rest of the morning he spent in his bedroom, prudently
keeping out of the ladies' way.
When, after a
substantial lunch which he insisted upon getting up to eat, the Baron was
allowed to enter the sick-room, he uttered an exclamation of astonishment,--
and indeed his surprise was natural. The room was as full of flowers as a
conservatory; chairs, wardrobe, and fireplace were most artistically draped with
art hangings; a plate filled with grapes, a large bottle labelled ``Two
table-spoonfuls every half hour,'' and a medicine- glass were placed
conspicuously on a small table; and, most remarkable feature of all, Mr
Bunker's bath filled with water and alive with goldfish stood by the side of
the bed. A couple of canaries sang in a cage by the window, the half-drawn
curtains only permitted the most delicate light to steal into the room, and in
short the whole arrangement reflected the utmost credit on his ingenious
friend.
The Baron was
delighted, but a little puzzled.
``Vat for are zese
fishes and ze canaries?'' he asked.
``To show your love of
nature.''
``Vy so?''
``There is nothing that
pleases a woman more.''
``My friend, you zink
of everyzing!'' exclaimed the Baron, admiringly.
When four o'clock
approached he drew a night-shirt over his other garments and got into bed. Mr
Bunker at first was in favour of a complete change of attire, but on his
friend's expostulating against such a thorough precaution, he admitted that it
would be perhaps rather like the historic blacking of Othello.
``Leave it all to me,
my dear Baron,'' he said, reassuringly, as he tucked him in; and with that he
went into the other room and awaited the arrival of their guests.
They came punctually.
The Countess was full of concern for the ``dear Baron,'' while Lady Alicia, he
could not help thinking, appeared unusually reserved. In fact, his quick eye
soon divined that something was the matter.
``She has either been
getting a lecture from the dowager or has found something out.'' he said to
himself.
However, it seemed that
if she had found anything out it could have nothing to do with the Baron's
indisposition, for she displayed the most ingenuous sympathy, and, he thought,
she even appeared to aim it pointedly at himself.
``So sudden!''
exclaimed the Countess.
``It is rather sudden,
but we'll hope it may pass as quickly as it came,'' said Mr Bunker, conveying a
skilful impression of deep concern veiled by a cheerful manner.
``Tell me honestly, Mr
Bunker, is it dangerous?'' demanded the countess.
Mr Bunker hesitated,
gave a half-hearted laugh, and replied, ``Oh, dear, no! that is--at present,
Lady Grillyer, we have really no reason to be alarmed.''
``I am so sorry,''
murmured Lady Alicia.
Her mother looked at
her approvingly.
``Poor Baron!'' she
said, in a tone of the greatest commiseration.
``So far from home!''
sighed Mr Bunker. ``And yet so cheerful through it all,'' he added.
``What did you say was
the matter?'' asked the Countess.
Mr Bunker had thought
it both wiser and more effective to maintain a little mystery round his
friend's malady.
``The doctor hasn't yet
given a decided opinion,'' he replied.
``Can't we do anything?''
said Lady Alicia, softly.
Mr Bunker thought the
guests were nearly worked up to the proper pitch of sympathy.
``Poor Rudolph!'' he
exclaimed. ``It would cheer him immensely, I know, and ease my own anxiety as
well, if you would venture in to see him for a few minutes. In such a case
there is no sympathy so welcome as a woman's.''
The Countess glanced at
her daughter, and wavered for an instant between those proprieties for which
she was a famous stickler and this admirable chance of completing the Baron's
conquest.
``His relations are far
away,'' said Mr Bunker, looking pensively out of the window.
``We might come in for
a few minutes, Alicia?'' suggested Lady Grillyer.
``Yes, mamma,'' replied
Lady Alicia, with an alacrity that rather surprised their host.
With a pleasantly
dejected air he ushered the ladies into the darkened sick-room. The Baron,
striving to conceal his exultation under a rueful semblance, greeted them with
a languid yet happy smile.
``Ah, Lady Grillyer,
zis is kind indeed! And you, Lady Alicia, how can I zank you?''
``My daughter and I are
much distressed, Baron, to find our host hors de combat,'' said the Countess,
graciously.
``Just when you wanted
to go away too!'' added Lady Alicia, sympathetically.
The Baron emitted a
happy blend of sigh and groan.
``Alas!'' he replied,
``it is hard indeed.''
``You must hurry up and
get better,'' said the Countess, in her most cheering sick-room manner. ``It
won't do to disappoint the Brierleys, you know.''
``You must come down
for part of the time,'' smiled her daughter.
These expressions of
sympathy so affected the Baron that he placed his hand on his brow and turned
slightly away to conceal his emotion. At the same time Mr Bunker, with
well-timed dramatic effect, sank wearily into a chair, and, laying his elbow on
the back, hid his own face in his hand.
Their guests jumped to
the most alarming conclusions, and looked from one to the other with great
concern.
``Dear me!'' said the
Countess, ``surely it isn't so very serious, Mr Bunker; it isn't infectious, is
it?''
The unlucky Baron here
made his first mistake: without waiting for his more diplomatic friend to
reply, he answered hastily, ``Ach, no, it is bot a cold.''
Lady Grillyer's
expression changed.
``A cold!'' she said.
``Dear me, that can't be so very serious, Baron.''
``It is a bad cold,''
said the Baron.
By this time the
ladies' eyes were growing more used to the dim light, and Mr Bunker could see
that they were taking rapid stock of the garnishings.
``This, I suppose, is
your cough-mixture,'' said the Countess, examining the bottle.
The Baron incautiously
admitted it was.
``Two table-spoonfuls
every half hour!'' she exclaimed; ``why, I never heard of taking a
cough-mixture in such doses. Besides, your cough doesn't seem so very bad,
Baron.''
``Ze doctor told me to
take it so,'' replied the Baron.
The Countess turned
towards Mr Bunker and said, with a touch of suspicion in her voice, ``I
thought, Mr Bunker, the doctor had given no opinion.''
The Baron threw a
glance of intense ferocity at his friend.
``In the Baron's desire
to spare your feelings,'' replied Mr Bunker, gravely, ``he has been a little
inaccurate; that is not precisely an ordinary cough-mixture.''
``Oh,'' said the
Countess.
Lady Alicia's attention
had been strongly attracted by the bath, and suddenly she exclaimed, ``Why,
there are goldfish in it!''
The Baron's nerve was
fast deserting him.
``Ze doctor ordered zem,''
he began--``I mean, I am fond of fishes.''
The Countess looked
hard at the unhappy young man, and then turned severely to his friend.
``What is the matter
with the Baron?'' she demanded.
Mr Bunker saw there was
nothing for it but heroic measures.
``The dog was destroyed
at once,'' he replied, with intense gravity. ``It is therefore impossible to
say exactly what is the matter.''
``*The dog!'' cried the
two ladies together.
``By this evening,'' he
continued, ``we shall know the worst--or the best.''
``What do you mean?''
exclaimed the Countess, withdrawing a step from the bed.
``I mean,'' replied Mr
Bunker, with a happy inspiration, ``that this bath is a delicate test. No
victim of the dread disease of hydrophobia can bear to look----''
But the Countess gave
him no time to finish. Even as he was speaking the Baron's face had passed
through a series of the most extraordinary expressions, which she not
unnaturally put down to premonitory symptoms.
``It's beginning
already!'' she shrieked. ``Alicia, my love, come quickly. How dare you expose
us, sir?''
``Calm yourselves. I
assure you----'' pleaded Mr Bunker, coming hastily after them, but they were at
the door before him.
The hapless Baron could
stand it no longer. Crying, ``No, no, it is false!'' he sprang out of bed,
arrayed in a tweed suit only half concealed by his night-shirt, and, forgetting
all about the bath, descended with a great splash among the startled goldfish.
The Countess paused in
the half-opened door and looked at him with horror that rapidly passed into
intense indignation.
``I am not ill!'' he
cried. ``It vos zat rascal Bonker's plot. He made me! I haf not hydrophobia!''
Most unkindest cut of
all, Lady Alicia went off into hysterical giggles. For a moment her mother
glared at the two young men in silence, and then only remarking, ``I have never
been so insulted before,'' she went out, and her daughter followed her.
As the door closed Mr
Bunker went off into roar after roar of laughter, but the humorous side of the
situation seemed to appeal very slightly to his injured friend.
``You rascal! you
villain!'' he shouted, ``zis is ze end of our friendship, Bonker! Do you use ze
pistols? Tell me, sare!''
``My dear Baron,''
gasped Mr Bunker, ``I could not put such an inartistic end to so fine a joke
for the world.''
``You vill not fight?
Coward! poltroon! I know not ze English name bad enoff for you!''
With difficulty Mr
Bunker composed himself and replied, still smiling: ``After all, Baron, what
harm has been done? I get all the blame, and the sympathy you wanted is sure to
turn to you.''
``False friend!''
thundered the Baron.
``My dear Baron!'' said
Mr Bunker, mildly, ``whose fault was it that the plot miscarried? If you'd only
left it all to me----''
``Left it to you! Yes,
I left too moch to you! Traitor, it vas a trick to vin ze Lady Alicia for
yourself! Speak to me nevermore!'' And with that the infuriated nobleman rushed
off to his own room.
As there was no further
sign of him for the next half hour, Mr Bunker, still smiling to himself at the
recollection, went out to take the air; but just as he was about to descend the
stairs he spied Lady Alicia lingering in a passage. He turned back and went up
to her.
She began at once in a
low, hurried voice that seemed to have a strain of anger running beneath it.
``I got the two letters
I wrote you returned to me to- day through the dead-letter office. Nothing was
known about you at the address you gave.''
``I am not surprised,''
he replied.
``Then it was false?''
``As an address it was
perfectly genuine, only it didn't happen to be mine.''
``Were you ever in the
Church?''
``Not to my personal
knowledge.''
``Yet you said you
were?''
``I was in an asylum.''
She looked up at him
with fine contempt, while he smiled back at her with great amusement.
``You have deceived
me,'' she said, ``and you have treated your other friend--who is far too good
for you-- disgracefully. Have you anything to say for yourself?''
``Not a word,'' he
replied, cheerfully.
``You must never treat
me again as--as I let you.''
As a smile played for
an instant about his face, she added quickly, ``I don't suppose I shall ever
see you again. In future we are not likely to meet.''
``The lady and the
lunatic?'' said he. ``Well, perhaps not. Good-bye, and better luck.''
``Good-bye,'' she
answered coldly, and added as they parted, ``my mother, of course, is extremely
angry with you.''
``There,'' he said with
a smile, ``you see I still come in useful.''
She hurried away, and
Mr Bunker walked slowly downstairs and out of the hotel.
``It seems to me,'' he
reflected, ``that I shall have to set out on my adventures again alone.''
The Baron's natural
good temper might have forgiven his friend, but all night he was a prey to
something against which no temper is proof. The Baron was bitterly jealous. All
through breakfast he never spoke a word, and when Mr Bunker asked him what
train he intended to take, he replied curtly, as he went to the door, ``Ze
5.30.''
``And where do you go
now?''
``Vat is zat to you? I
go for a valk. I vould be alone.''
``Good-bye, then,
Baron,'' said Mr Bunker. ``I think I shall go up to town.''
``Go, zen,'' replied
the Baron, opening the door; ``I haf no furzer vish to see a treacherous sponge
zat vill neizer be true nor fight, bot jost takes money.''
He slammed the door and
went out. If he had waited for a moment, he would have seen a look in Mr
Bunker's face that he had never seen before. He half started from his chair to
follow, and then sat down again and thought with his lips very tight set.
All at once they broke
into a smile that was grimmer than anything the Baron had known.
``I accept your
challenge, Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg,'' he said to himself; ``but the
weapons I shall choose myself.''
He took a telegraph
form, wrote and despatched a wire, and then with considerable haste proceeded
to pack. Within an hour he had left the hotel. . . . . . . .
When a servant, later
in the day, was performing, under the Baron's directions, the same office for
him, a series of discoveries that still further disturbed his peace of mind
were jointly made. Not only the more sporting portions of his wardrobe but his
gun and cartridges as well, had vanished, and, search and storm as he liked,
there was not a trace of them to be found.
``Ze rascal!'' he
muttered; ``I did not zink he was zief as well.''
It is hardly wonderful
that he arrived at Brierley station in anything but an amiable frame of mind.
There, to his great annoyance and surprise, he found no signs of Sir Richard's
carriage; there were no stables near, and, after fuming for some time on the
platform, he was forced to leave his luggage with the station-master and
proceed on foot to Brierley Park.
He arrived shortly
before seven o'clock, after a dark and muddy tramp, and, still swearing under
his breath, pulled the bell with indignant energy.
``I am ze Baron von
Blitzenberg, bot zere vas no carriage at ze station,'' he informed the butler
in his haughtiest tones.
The man looked at him
suspiciously.
``The Baron arrived
this morning,'' he said.
``Ze Baron? Vat Baron?
I am ze Baron!''
``I shall fetch Sir
Richard,'' said the butler, turning away.
Presently a stout
florid gentleman, accompanied by three friends, all evidently very curious and
amused about something, came to the door, and, to the poor Baron's amazement
and horror, he recognised in one of these none other than Mr Bunker, arrayed
with much splendour in his own ornate shooting suit.
``What do you want?''
asked the florid gentleman, sternly.
``Have I ze pleasure of
addressing Sir Richard Brierley?'' inquired the Baron, raising his hat and
bowing profoundly.
``You have.''
``Zen I must tell you
zat I am ze Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.''
``Gom, gom, my man!''
interposed Mr Bunker. ``I know you. Zis man, Sir Richard, has before annoyed
me. He is vat you call impostor, cracked; he has vollowed me from Germany. Go
avay, man!''
``You are impostor! You
scoundrel, Bonker!'' shouted the wrathful Baron. ``He is no Baron, Sir Richard!
Ha! Vould you again deceive me, Bonker?''
``You must lock him up,
I fear,'' said Mr Bunker. ``To-morrow, my man, you vill see ze police.''
So completely did the
Baron lose his head that he became almost inarticulate with rage: his
protestations, however, were not of the slightest avail. That morning Sir
Richard had received a wire informing him that the Baron was coming by an
earlier train than he had originally intended, and, since his arrival, the
spurious nobleman had so ingratiated himself with his host that Sir Richard was
filled with nothing but sympathy for him in his persecution. After a desperate
struggle the unfortunate Rudolph was overpowered and conveyed in the
undignified fashion known as the frog's march to a room in a remote wing, there
to pass the night under lock and key.
``The scoundrelly
German impostor!'' exclaimed a young man, a fellow visitor of the Baron
Bunker's, to a tall, military-looking gentleman.
Colonel Savage seemed
lost in thought.
``It is a curious
thing, Trelawney,'' he replied, at length, ``that the footman who attends the
Baron should have told my man--who, of course, told me--that a number of his
things are marked `Francis Beveridge.' It is also rather strange that this
impostor should have known so little of the Baron's movements as to arrive
several hours after him, assuming he had hatched a plot to impersonate him.''
``But the man's
obviously mad.''
``Must be,'' said the
colonel.
The house party were
assembled in the drawing-room waiting for dinner to be announced. The bogus
Baron was engaged in an animated discussion with Colonel Savage on the subject of
Bavarian shootings, and the colonel having omitted to inform him that he had
some personal experience of these, Mr Bunker was serving up such of his
friend's anecdotes as he could remember with sauce more peculiarly his own.
``Five hondred vild
boars,'' he was saying, ``eight hondred brace of partridges, many bears, and
rabbits so moch zat it took five veeks to bury zem. All zese ve did shoot
before breakfast, colonel. Aftair breakfast again ve did go out----''
But at that moment his
attention was sharply arrested by a question of Lady Brierley's.
``Has Dr Escott
arrived?'' she asked.
The Baron Bunker
paused, and in spite of his habitual coolness, the observant colonel noticed
that he started ever so slightly.
``He came half an hour
ago,'' replied Sir Richard. ``Ah, here he is.''
As he spoke, a
well-remembered figure came into the room, and after a welcome from his
hostess, the dinner procession started.
``Whoever is that tall
fair man in front?'' Dr Escott asked his partner as they crossed the hall.
``Oh, that's the Baron
von Blitzenberg: such an amusing man! We are all in love with him already.''
All through dinner the
spurious Baron saw that Dr Escott's eyes turned continually and curiously on
him; yet never for an instant did his spirits droop or his conversation flag.
Witty and charming as ever, he discoursed in his comical foreign accent to the
amusement of all within hearing, and by the time the gentlemen adjourned to the
billiard-room, he had established the reputation of being the most delightful
German ever seen. Yet Dr Escott grew more suspicious and bewildered, and Mr
Bunker felt that he was being narrowly watched. The skill at billiards of a
certain Francis Beveridge used to be the object of the doctor's unbounded
admiration, and it was with the liveliest interest that he watched a game
between Colonel Savage and the Baron.
That nobleman knew well
the danger of displaying his old dexterity, and to the onlookers it soon became
apparent that this branch of his education had been neglected. He not only
missed the simplest shots, but seemed very ignorant of the rules of the English
game, and in consequence he came in for a little good-natured chaff from Sir
Richard and Trelawney. When the colonel's score stood at 90 and the Baron had
scarcely reached 25 Trelawney cried, ``I'll bet you ten to one you don't win,
Baron!''
``What in?'' asked the
Baron, and the colonel noticed that for the first time he pronounced a w
correctly.
``Sovereigns,'' said
Trelawney, gaily.
The temptation was
irresistible.
``Done!'' said the
Baron. With a professional disregard for conventions he bolted the white into
the middle pocket, leaving his own ball nicely beside the red. Down in its turn
went the red, and Mr Bunker was on the spot. Three followed three in monotonous
succession, Trelawney's face growing longer and Dr Escott getting more and more
excited, till with a smile Mr Bunker laid down his cue, a sensational winner.
His victory was
received in silence: Trelawney handed over two five-pound notes without a word,
and the colonel returned to his whisky-and-soda. Dr Escott could contain
himself no longer, and whispering something to Sir Richard, the two left the
room.
Imperturbable as ever,
Mr Bunker talked gaily for a few minutes to an unresponsive audience, and then,
remarking that he would join the ladies, left the room.
A minute or two later
Sir Richard, with an anxious face, returned with Dr Escott.
``Where is the Baron?''
he asked.
``Gone to join the
ladies,'' replied Trelawney, adding under his breath, ``d----n him!''
But the Baron was not
with the ladies, nor, search the house as they might, was there a trace to be
seen of that accomplished nobleman.
``He has gone!'' said
Sir Richard.
``What the deuce is the
meaning of it?'' exclaimed Trelawney.
Colonel Savage smiled
grimly and suggested, ``Perhaps he wants to give the impostor an innings.''
``Dr Escott, I think,
can tell you,'' replied the baronet.
``Gentlemen,'' said the
doctor, ``the man whom you have met as the Baron von Blitzenberg is none other
than a most cunning and determined lunatic. He escaped from the asylum where I
am at present assistant doctor, after all but murdering me; he has been seen in
London since, but how he came to impersonate the unfortunate gentleman whom you
locked up this afternoon I cannot say.''
Before they broke up
for the night the genuine Baron, released from confinement and soothed by the
humblest apologies and a heavy supper, recounted the main events in Mr
Beveridge alias Bunker's brief career in town. On his exploits in St Egbert's
he felt some delicacy in touching, but at the end of what was after all only a
fragmentary and one-sided narrative, even the defrauded Trelawney could not but
admit that, whatever the departed gentleman's failings, his talents at least
were worthy of a better cause.
The party at Brierley
Park had gone at last to bed. The Baron was installed in his late usurper's
room, and from the clock-tower the hour of three had just been tolled. Sympathy
and Sir Richard's cellar had greatly mollified the Baron's wrath; he had almost
begun to see the humorous side of his late experience; as a rival Mr Bunker was
extinct, and with an easy mind and a placid smile he had fallen asleep some two
hours past.
The fire burned low,
and for long nothing but the occasional sigh of the wind in the trees disturbed
the silence. At length, had the Baron been awake, he might have heard the
stealthiest of footsteps in the corridor outside. Then they stopped; his door
was gently opened, and first a head and then a whole man slipped in.
Still the Baron slept,
dreaming peacefully of his late companion. They were driving somewhere in a
hansom, Mr Bunker was telling one of his most amusing stories, when there came
a shock, the hansom seemed to turn a somersault, and the Baron awoke. At first
he thought he must be dreaming still; the electric light had been turned on and
the room was bright as day, but, more bewildering yet, Mr Bunker was seated on
his bed, gazing at him with an expression of thoughtful amusement.
``Well, Baron,'' he
said, ``I trust you are comfortable in these excellent quarters.''
The Baron, half awake
and wholly astonished, was unable to collect his ideas in time to make any
reply.
``But remember,''
continued Mr Bunker, ``you have a reputation to live up to. I have set the
standard high for Bavarian barons.''
The indignant Baron at
last recovered his wits.
``If you do not go away
at vonce,'' he said, raising himself on his elbows, ``I shall raise ze house
upon you!''
``Have you forgotten
that you are talking to a dangerous lunatic, who probably never stirs without
his razor?''
The Baron looked at him
and turned a little pale. He made no further movement, but answered stoutly
enough, ``Vat do you vant?''
``In the first place, I
want my brush and comb, a few clothes, and my hand-bag. Events happened rather
more quickly this evening than I had anticipated.''
``Take zem.''
``I should also like,''
continued Mr Bunker, unmoved, ``to have a little talk with you. I think I owe
you some explanation--perhaps an apology or two--and I'm afraid it's my last
chance.''
``Zay it zen.''
``Of course I
understand that you make no hostile demonstration till I am finished? A hunted
man must take precautions, you know.''
``I vill let you go.''
``Thanks, Baron.''
Mr Bunker folded his
arms, leaned his back against the foot of the bed, and began in his
half-bantering way, ``I have amused you, Baron, now and then, you must admit?''
The Baron made no
reply.
``That I place to my
credit, and I think few debts are better worth repaying. On the other hand, I
confess I have subsisted for some time entirely on your kindness. I'm afraid
that alone counterbalances the debt, and when it comes to my being the means of
your taking a bath in mixed company and spending an evening in a locked room,
there's no doubt the balance is greatly on your side.''
``I zink so,'' observed
the Baron.
``So I'll tell you a
true story, a favour with which I haven't indulged any one for some
considerable time.''
The Baron coughed, but
said nothing.
``My biography for all
practical purposes,'' Mr Bunker continued, ``begins in that sequestered
retreat, Clankwood Asylum. How and with whom I came there I haven't the very
faintest recollection. I simply woke up from an extraordinary drowsiness to
find myself recovering from a sharp attack of what I may most euphoniously call
mental excitement. The original cause of it is very dim in my mind, and has, so
far as I remember, nothing to do with the rest of the story. The attack was
very short, I believe. I soon came to something more or less like myself; only,
Baron, the singular thing is, that it was to all intents and purposes a new
self--whether better or worse, my faulty memory does not permit me to say. I'd
clean forgotten who I was and all about me. I found myself called Francis
Beveridge, but that wasn't my old name, I know.''
``Ha!'' exclaimed the
Baron, growing interested despite himself.
``And the most
remarkable thing of all is that up till this day I haven't the very vaguest
notion what my real name is.''
``Zo?'' said the Baron.
``Bot vy should they change it?''
``There you've laid
your finger on the mystery, Baron. Why? Heaven knows: I wish I did!''
The Baron looked at him
with undisguised interest.
``Strange!'' he said,
thoughtfully.
``Damnably strange. I
found myself compelled to live in an asylum and answer to a new name, and
really, don't you know, under the circumstances I could give no very valid
reason for getting out. I seemed to have blossomed there like one of the asylum
plants. I couldn't possibly have been more identified with the place. Besides,
I'm free to confess that for some time my reason, taking it all in all, wasn't
particularly valid on any point. By George, I had a funny time! Ha, ha, ha!''
His mirth was so
infectious that the Baron raised his voice in a hearty ``Ha, ha!'' and then
stopped abruptly, and said cautiously, ``Haf a care, Bonker, zey may hear!''
``However, Baron,'' Mr
Bunker continued, ``out I was determined to get, and out I came in the manner
of which perhaps my friend Escott has already informed you.''
The Baron grinned and
nodded.
``I came up to town,
and on my very first evening I had the good fortune to meet the Baron Rudolph von
Blitzenberg--as perhaps you may remember. In my own defence, Baron, I may
fairly plead that since I could remember nothing about my past career, I was
entitled to supply the details from my imagination. After all, I have no proof
that some of my stories may not have been correct. I used this privilege freely
in Clankwood, and, in a word, since I couldn't tell the truth if I wanted to, I
quenched the desire.''
``You hombog!'' said
the Baron, not without a note of admiration.
``I was, and I gloried
in it. Baron, if you ever want to know how ample a thing life can be, become a
certified lunatic! You are quite irresponsible for your debts, your crimes,
and, not least, your words. It certainly enlarges one's horizon. All this time,
I may say, I was racking my brains--which, by the way, have been steadily
growing saner in other matters--for some recollections of my previous
whereabouts, my career, if I had any, and, above all, of my name.''
``Can you remember
nozing?''
``I can remember a
large country house which I think belonged to me, but in what part of the
country it stands I haven't the slightest recollection. I can't remember any
family, and as no one has inquired for me, I don't suppose I had any. Many
incidents--sporting, festive, amusing, and discreditable--I remember
distinctly, and many faces, but there's nothing to piece them together with.
Can you recall one or two incidents in town, when people spoke to me or bowed
to me?''
``Yes, vell; I vondered
zen.''
``I suppose they knew
me. In a general sort of way I knew them. But when a man doesn't know his own
name, and will probably be replaced in an asylum if he's identified, there
isn't much encouragement for greeting old friends. And do you remember my
search for a name in the hotel at St Egbert's?''
``Yah--zat is, yes.''
``It was for my own I
was looking.''
``You found it not?''
``No. The worst of it
is, I can't even remember what letter it began with. Sometimes I think it was
M, or perhaps N, and sometimes I'm almost sure it was E. It will come to me
some day, no doubt, Baron, but till it does I shall have to wander about a
nameless man, looking for it. And after all, I am not without the consolations
of a certain useful, workaday kind of philosophy.''
He rose from the bed
and smiled humorously at his friend.
``And now, Baron,'' he
said, ``it only remains to offer you such thanks and apologies as a lunatic
may, and then clear out before the cock crows. These are my brushes, I think.''
There was still
something on the Baron's mind: he lay for a moment watching Mr Bunker collect a
few odds and ends and put them rapidly into a small bag, and then blurted out
suddenly, ``Ze Lady Alicia--do you loff her?''
``By Jove!'' exclaimed
Mr Bunker, ``I'd forgotten all about her. I ought to have told you that I once
met her before, when she showed sympathy--practical sympathy, I may add--for an
unfortunate gentleman in Clankwood. That's all.''
``You do not loff her?''
persisted the Baron.
``I, my dear chap? No.
You are most welcome to her--and the countess.''
``Does she not loff
you?''
``On my honour, no. I
told her a few early reminiscences; she happened to discover they were not what
is generally known as true, and took so absurd a view of the case that I doubt
whether she would speak to me again if she met me. In fact, Baron, if I read
the omens aright--and I've had some experience--you only need courage and a
voice.''
The bed creaked, there
was a volcanic upheaval of the clothes as the Baron sprang out on to the floor,
and the next instant Mr Bunker was clasped in his embrace.
``Ach, my own Bonker,
forgif me! I haf suspected, I haf not been ze true friend; you have sairved me
right to gom here as ze Baron. I vas too bad a Baron to gom! You have amused
me, you have instrogted, you have varmed my heart. My dear frient!''
To tell the truth, Mr
Bunker looked, for the first time in their acquaintance, a little ill at ease.
He laughed, but it sounded affected.
``My dear fellow-hang
it! You'd make me out a martyr. As a matter of fact, I've been such a thorn as
very few people would stand in their flesh. There's nothing to forgive, my dear
Baron, and a lot to thank you for.''
``I haf been rude,
Bonker; I haf insulted you! You forgif me?''
``With all my heart, it
you think it's needed, but----''
``And you vill not go
now? You vill stay here?''
``What, two Barons at
once? My dear chap, we'd merely confuse the butler.''
``Ach, you vill joke,
you hombog! But you most stay!''
``And what about my
friend, Dr Escott? No, Baron, it would only mean breakfast and the next train
to Clankwood.''
``Zey vill not take you
ven you tell zem! I shall insist viz Sir Richard!''
``The law is the law,
Baron, and I'm a certified lunatic. Here we must part till the weather clears;
and mind, you mustn't say a word about my coming to see you.''
The Baron looked at him
disconsolately.
``You most really go,
Bonker?''
``Really, Baron.''
``And vere to?''
``To London town again
by the milk train.''
``And vat vill you do
zere?''
``Look for my name.''
``Bot how?''
Mr Bunker hesitated.
``I have a little
clue,'' he said at last, ``only a thread, but I'll try it for what it's
worth.''
``Haf you money
enoff?''
``Thanks to your
generosity and my skill at billiards, yes, which reminds me that I must return
poor Tre lawney's ten pounds some day. At present, I can't afford to be
scrupulous. So, you see, I'm provided for.''
``Cigars at least,
Bonker! You most smoke, my frient vizout a name!''
The Baron,
night-shirted and barefooted as he was, dived into his portmanteau and produced
a large box of cigars.
``You like zese,
Bonker. Zey are your own choice. Smoke zem and zink of me!''
``A few, Baron, would
be a pleasant reminiscence,'' said his friend, with a smile, ``if you really
insist.''
``All, Bonker,--I vill
not keep vun! I can get more. No, you most take zem all!''
Mr Bunker opened his
bag and put in the box without a word.
``You most write,''
said the Baron, ``tell me vere you are. I shall not tell any soul, bot ven I
can, I shall gom up, and ve shall sup togezzer vunce more. Pairhaps ve may haf
anozzer adventure, ha, ha!''
The Baron's laugh was
almost too hearty to be true.
``I shall let you know,
as soon as I find a room. It won't be in the Mayonaise this time! Good-bye:
good sport and luck in love!''
``Good-bye, my frient,
good-bye,'' said the Baron, squeezing his hand.
His friend was half out
of the door when he turned, and said with an intonation quite foreign either to
Beveridge or Bunker, and yet which came very pleasantly, ``I forgot to warn you
of one thing when I advised you to try the rôle of certified lunatic--you are
not likely to make so good a friend as I have.''
He shut the door
noiselessly and was gone.
The Baron stood in the
middle of the floor for fully five minutes, looking blankly at the closed door;
then with a sigh he turned out the light and tumbled into bed again.
THE Dover express was
nearing town: evening had begun to draw in, and from the wayside houses people
saw the train roar by like a huge glow- worm; but they could hardly guess that
it was hurrying two real actors to the climax of a real comedy.
From the opposite sides
of a first-class carriage these two looked cheerfully at one another. The
Channel was safely behind them, London was close ahead, and the piston of the
engine seemed to thump a triumphal air.
``We've done it,
Twiddel, my boy!'' said the one.
``Thank Heaven!''
replied the other.
``And myself,'' added
his friend.
``Yes,'' said Twiddel;
``you played your part uncommonly well, Welsh.''
``It was the deuce of a
fine spree!'' sighed Welsh.
``The deuce,'' assented
Twiddel.
``I'm only sorry it's
all over,'' Welsh went on, gazing regretfully up at the lamp of the carriage.
``I'd give the remains of my character and my chance of a public funeral to be
starting again from Paris by the morning train!''
Twiddel laughed.
``With the same head
you had that morning?''
``Yes, by George! Even
with the same mile of dusty gullet!''
``It's all over now,''
said Twiddel, philosophically, and yet rather nervously--``at least the amusing
part of it.''
``All the fun, my boy,
all the fun. All the dinners and the drinks, and the touching of hats to the
aristocratic travellers, and the girls that sighed, and the bowing and
scraping. Do you remember the sporting baronet who knew my uncle? Now, I'm
plain Robert Welsh, whose uncles, as far as I am aware, don't know a baronet
among 'em.''
He smiled a little
sardonically.
``And the baron at
Fogelschloss,'' said Twiddel.
``Who insisted on
learning my pedigree back to Alfred the Great! Gad, I gave it him, though, and
I doubt whether the real Essington could have done as much. I'd rather surprise
some of these noblemen if I turned up again in my true character!''
``Thank the Lord, we're
not likely to meet them again!'' exclaimed the doctor, devoutly.
``No,'' said Welsh;
``here endeth the second lesson.''
His friend, who had
been well brought up, looked a trifle uncomfortable at this quotation.
``I say,'' he remarked
a few minutes later, ``we haven't finished yet. We've got to get the man out
again, and hand him back to his friends.''
``Cured,'' said Welsh,
with a laugh.
``I wonder how he is?''
``We'll soon see.''
They fell silent again,
while the train hurried nearer and nearer London town. Welsh seemed to be
musing on some nice point, it might be of conscience, it might also conceivably
be of a more practical texture. At last he said, ``There's just one thing, old
man. What about the fee?''
``I'll get a cheque for
it, I suppose,'' his friend replied, with an almost excessive air of mastery
over the problem.
``Ha, ha!'' laughed
Welsh; ``you know what I mean. It's a delicate question and all that, but, hang
it, it's got to be answered.''
``What has?''
``The division of the
spoil.''
Twiddel looked
dignified.
``I'll see you get your
share, old man,'' he answered, easily.
``But what share?''
``You suggested £100, I
think.''
``Out of £500 when I've
done all the deceiving and told all the lies! Come, old man!''
``Well, what do you
want?''
``Do you remember a
certain crisis when we'd made a slip----''
``You'd made a slip!''
``We had made a slip,
and you wanted to chuck the game and bolt? Do you remember also the terms I
proposed when I offered to beard the local god almighty in his lair and explain
it all away, and how he became our bosom pal and we were saved?''
``Well?''
``£300 to me, $200 to
you,'' said Welsh, decisively.
``Rot, old man. I'll
share fairly, if you insist. £250 apiece, will that do?''
Welsh said nothing, but
his face was no longer the countenance of the jovial adventurer.
``It will have to, I
suppose,'' he replied, at length.
It was with this little
cloud on the horizon that they saw the lights of London twinkle through the
windows, and were carried into the clamour of the platforms.
They both drove first
to Twiddel's rooms; and as they looked out once more on the life and lights and
traffic of the streets, their faces cleared again.
``We'll have a merry
evening!'' cried Welsh.
``A little supper,''
suggested Twiddel; ``a music- hall----''
``Et cetera,'' added
Welsh, with a laugh.
The doctor had written
of their coming, and they found a fire in the back room, and the table laid.
``Ah,'' cried Welsh,
``this looks devilish comfortable.''
``A letter for me,''
said Twiddel; ``from Billson, I think.''
He read it and threw it
to his friend, remarking, ``I call this rather cool of him.''
Welsh read--
``DEAR GEORGE, --I am just off
for three weeks' holiday. Sorry for leaving your practice, but I think it can
look after itself till you return.
``You have only had two
patients, and one fee between them. The second man vanished mysteriously. I
shall tell you about it when I come back. He boned a bill, too, I fancy, but
the story will keep.
``I am looking forward
to hearing the true tale of your adventures. Good luck to you.--Yours ever,
THOMAS BILLSON. ``Boned
a bill?'' exclaimed Welsh. ``What bill, I wonder?''
``Something that came
when I was away, I suppose. Hang it, I think Billson might have looked after
things better!''
``It sounds queer,''
said Welsh, reflectively; ``I wonder what it was?''
``Confound Billson, he
might have told me,'' observed the doctor. ``But, I say, you know we have
something more practical to see to.''
``Getting the man out
again?''
``Yes.''
``Well, let's have a
little grub first.''
Twiddel rang the bell,
and the frowsy little maid entered, carrying a letter on a tray.
``Dinner,'' said he.
``Please, sir,'' began
the maid, holding out the tray, ``this come for you near a month agow, but
Missis she bin and forgot to send it hafter you.''
``Confound her!'' said
Twiddel, taking the letter.
He looked at the
envelope, and remarked with a little start of nervous excitement, ``From Dr
Congleton.''
``News of Mr
Beveridge,'' laughed Welsh.
The doctor read the
first few lines, and then, as if he had got an electric shock, the letter fell
from his hand, and an expression of the most utter and lively consternation
came over his face.
``Heavens!'' he
ejaculated, ``it's all up.''
``What's up?'' cried
Welsh, snatching at the letter.
``He's run away!''
Welsh looked at him for
a moment in some astonishment, and then burst out laughing.
``What a joke!'' he
cried; ``I don't see anything to make a fuss about. We're jolly well rid of
him.''
``The fee! I won't get
a penny till I bring him back. And the whole thing will be found out!''
As the full meaning of
this predicament burst upon Welsh, his face underwent a change by no means
pleasant to watch. For a full minute he swore, and then an ominous silence fell
upon the room.
Twiddel was the first
to recover himself.
``Let me see the
letter,'' he said; ``I haven't finished it.''
Welsh read it aloud--
``DEAR TWIDDEL, --I regret to
inform you that the patient, Francis Beveridge, whom you placed under my care,
has escaped from Clankwood. We have made every inquiry consistent with strict
privacy, but unfortunately have not yet been able to lay our hands upon him. We
only know that he left Ashditch Junction in the London express, and was seen walking
out of St Euston's Cross. How he has been able to maintain himself in
concealment without money or clothes, I am unable to imagine.
``As no inquiries have
been made for him by his cousin Mr Welsh, or any other of his friends or
relatives, I am writing to you that you may inform them, and I hope that this
letter may follow you abroad without delay. I may add that the circumstances of
his escape showed most unusual cunning, and could not possibly have been
guarded against.
``Trusting that you are
having a pleasant holiday,
I am, yours very truly, ADOLPHUS S. CONGLETON. The two looked at one another in silence for a minute, and
then Welsh said, fiercely, ``You must catch him again, Twiddel. Do you think I
am going to have all my risk and trouble for nothing?''
``I must catch him! Do
you suppose I let him loose?''
``You must catch him,
all the same.''
``I shan't bother my
head about him,'' answered Twiddel, with the recklessness of despair.
``You won't? You want
to have the story known, I suppose?''
``I don't care if it
is.''
Welsh looked at him for
a minute: then he jumped up and exclaimed, ``You need a drink, old man. Let's
hurry up that slavey.''
With the first course
their countenances cleared a little, with the second they were almost composed,
by the end of dinner they had started plot-hatching hopefully again.
``It's any odds on the
man's still being in town,'' said Welsh. ``He had no money or clothes, and
evidently he hasn't gone to any of his friends, or the whole story would have
been out. Now, there is nowhere where a man can lie low so well, especially if
he is hard up, as London. I can answer from experience. He is hardly likely to
be in the West End, or the best class of suburbs, so we've something to go upon
at once. We must go to a private in quiry office and put men on his track, and
then we must take the town in beats ourselves. So much is clear; do you see?''
``And hadn't we better
find out whether anything more is known at Clankwood?'' suggested Twiddel. ``Dr
Congleton wrote a month ago; perhaps they have caught him by this time.''
``Hardly likely, I'm
afraid; he'd have written to you if they had. Still, we can but ask.''
``But, I say!'' the
doctor suddenly exclaimed, ``people may find out that I'm back without him.''
Welsh was equal to the
emergency.
``You must leave again
at once,'' he said decisively, rising from the table; ``and there's no good
wasting time, either.''
``What do you mean?''
asked the bewildered doctor, who had not yet assimilated the criminal point of
view.
``We'll put our luggage
straight on to a cab, drive off to other rooms--I know a cheap place that will
do--and if by any chance inquiries are made, people must be told that you are
still abroad. Nobody must hear of your coming home to-night.''
``Is it----'' began
Twiddel, dubiously.
``Is it what?'' snapped
his friend.
``Is it worth it?''
``Is £500, not to speak
of two reputations, worth it! Come on!''
The unfortunate doctor
sighed, and rose too. He was beginning to think that the nefarious acquisition
of fees might have drawbacks after all.
The chronicle must now
go back a few days and follow another up-express.
``I must either be a
clergyman or a policeman,'' Mr Bunker reflected, in the corner of his carriage;
``they seem to me to be on the whole the two least molested professions. Each
certainly has a livery which, if its occupier is ordinarily judicious, ought to
serve as a certificate of sanity. To me all policemen are precisely alike, but
I daresay they know them apart in the force, and as all the beats and crossings
are presumably taken already, I might excite suspicion by my mere superfluity.
Besides, a theatrical costumier's uniform would possibly lack some ridiculous
but essential detail.''
He lit another cigar
and looked humorously out of the window.
``I shall take orders.
An amateur theatrical clergyman's costume will be more comfortable, and
probably less erroneous. They allow them some latitude, I believe; and I don't
suppose there are any visible ordination scars whose absence would give me
away. I shall certainly study the first reverend brother I meet to see.''
Thus wisely ruminating,
he arrived in London at a very early hour on a chilly morning, and drove
straight to a small hotel near King's Cross, where the landlord was much
gratified at receiving so respectable a guest as the Rev. Alexander Butler.
(``I must begin with a B.'' said Mr Bunker to himself; ``I think it's lucky.'')
It is true the reverend
gentleman was in evening clothes, while his hat and coat had a singularly
secular, not to say fashionable, appearance; but, as he mentioned casually in
the course of some extremely affable remarks, he had been dining in a country
house, and had not thought it worth while changing before he left. After
breakfasting he dressed himself in an equally secular suit of tweeds and went
out, he mentioned incidentally, to call at his tailor's for his professional
habit, which he seemed surprised to learn had not yet been forwarded to the
hotel.
A visit to a certain
well-known firm of theatrical costumiers was followed by his reappearance in a
cab accompanied by a bulky brown paper parcel; and presently he emerged from
his room attired more consistently with his office, much to his own
satisfaction, for, as he observed, ``I cannot say I approve of clergymen
masquerading as laymen.''
His opinion on the
converse circumstance was not expressed.
Much to his landlord's
disappointment, he informed him that he should probably leave again that
afternoon, and then he went out for a walk.
About half an hour
later he was once more in the street where, not so very long ago, a very
exciting cab-race had finished. He strolled slowly past Dr Twiddel's house. The
blinds of the front room were down; at that hour there was no sign of life
about it, and he saw nothing at all to arrest his attention. Then he looked
down the other side of the street, and to his great satisfaction spied a card,
with the legend ``Apartments to let,'' in one of the first-floor windows of a
house immediately opposite.
He rang the bell, and
in a moment a rotund and loquacious landlady appeared. Yes, the drawing-room
was to let; would the reverend gentleman come up and see it? Mr Bunker went up,
and approved. They readily agreed upon terms, and the landlady, charmed with
her new lodger's appearance and manners, no less than with the respectability
of his profession, proceeded to descant at some length on the quiet, comfort,
and numerous other advantages of the apartments.
``Just the very plice
you wants, sir. We 'ave 'ad clerical gentlemen 'ere before, sir; in fact,
there's one a-staying 'ere now, second floor,--you may know of 'im, sir,--the
Reverend Mr John Duggs; a very pleasant gentleman you'll find him, sir. I'll
tell 'im you're 'ere, sir; 'e'd be sure to like to meet another gentleman of
the syme cloth, has they say.''
Somehow or other the
Rev. Mr Butler failed to display the hearty pleasure at this announcement that
the worthy Mrs Gabbon had naturally expected.
Aloud he merely said,
``Indeed,'' politely, but with no unusual interest.
Within himself he
reflected, ``The deuce take Mr John Duggs! However, I want the rooms, and a man
must risk something.''
As a precautionary
measure he visited a second-hand bookseller on his way back, and purchased a
small assortment of the severest-looking works on theology they kept in stock;
and these, with his slender luggage, he brought round to Mrs Gabbon's in the
course of the afternoon.
He looked carefully out
of his sitting-room window, but the doctor's blinds were still down, and he saw
no one coming or going about the house; so he began his inquiries by calling up
his landlady.
``I have been troubled
with lumbago, Mrs Gabbon,'' he began.
``Dearie me, sir,''
said Mrs Gabbon, ``I'm sorry to 'ear that; you that looks so 'ealthy too! Well,
one never knows what's be'ind a 'appy hexterior, does one, sir?''
``No, Mrs Gabbon,''
replied Mr Bunker, solemnly; ``one never knows what even a clergyman's coat
conceals.''
``That's very true,
sir. In the midst of life we are in----''
``Lumbago,'' interposed
Mr Bunker.
Mrs Gabbon looked a
trifle startled.
``Well,'' he continued
with the same gravity, ``I may unfortunately have occasion to consult a
doctor----''
``There's Dr Smith,''
interrupted Mrs Gabbon, her equanimity quite restored by his ecclesiastical
tone and the mention of ailments; `` 'e attended my poor dear 'usband hall
through his last illness; an huncommon clever doctor, sir, as I ought to know,
sir, bein'----''
``No doubt an excellent
man, Mrs Gabbon; but I should like to know of one as near at hand as possible.
Now I see the name of a Dr Twiddel----''
``I wouldn't recommend
'im, sir,'' said Mrs Gabbon, pursing her mouth.
Indeed? Why not?''
``'E attended Mrs
Brown's servant-girl, sir,--she bein' the lady as has the 'ouse next door,--and
what he give 'er didn't do no good. Mrs Brown tell me 'erself.''
``Still, in an
emergency----''
``Besides which, he
ain't at 'ome, sir.''
``Where has he gone?''
``Abroad, they do say,
sir; though I don't rightly know much about 'im.''
``Has he been away
long?''
Mrs Gabbon considered.
``It must 'ave bin
before the middle of November he went, sir.''
``Ha!'' exclaimed Mr
Bunker, keenly, though apparently more to himself than his landlady.
``I beg your pardon,
sir?''
``The middle of
November, you say? That's a long holiday for a doctor to take.''
``'E 'avn't no practice
to speak of,--not as I knows of, leastways.''
``What sort of a man is
he--young or old?''
``By my opinion, sir,
'e's too young. I don't 'old by them young doctors. Now Dr Smith, sir----''
``Dr Twiddel is quite a
young man, then?''
``What I'd call little
better than a boy, sir. They tell me they lets 'em loose very young nowadays.''
``About twenty-five,
say?''
``'E might be that,
sir; but I don't know much about 'im, sir. Now Dr Smith, sir, 'e's different.''
In fact at this point
Mrs Gabbon showed such a tendency to turn the conversation back to the merits
of Dr Smith and the precise nature of Mr Bunker's ailment, that her lodger, in
despair, requested her to bring up a cup of tea as speedily as possible.
``Before the middle of
November,'' he said to himself. ``It is certainly a curious coincidence.''
To a gentleman of Mr
Bunker's sociable habits and active mind, the prospect of sitting day by day in
the company of his theological treatises and talkative landlady, and watching
an apparently uninhabited house, seemed at first sight even less entertaining
than a return to Clankwood. But, as he said of himself, he possessed a kind of
easy workaday philosophy, and, besides that, an apparently irresistible
attraction for the incidents of life.
He had barely finished
his cup of tea, and was sitting over the fire smoking one of the Baron's cigars
and looking through one of the few books he had brought that bore no relation
to divinity, his feet high upon the side of the mantelpiece, his ready-made
costume perhaps a little more unbuttoned than the strictest propriety might
approve, and a stiff glass of whisky-and-water at his elbow, when there came a
rap at his door.
In response to his
``Come in,'' a middle-aged gentleman, dressed in clerical attire, entered. He
had a broad, bearded face, a dull eye, and an indescribably average aspect.
``The devil! Mr John
Duggs himself,'' thought Mr Bunker, hastily adopting a more conventional
attitude and feeling for his button-holes.
``Ah--er--Mr Butler, I
believe?'' said the stranger, with an apologetic air.
``The same,'' replied
Mr Bunker, smiling affably.
``I,'' continued his
visitor, advancing with more confidence, ``am Mr Duggs. I am dwelling at
present in the apartment immediately above you, and hearing of the arrival of a
fellow-clergyman, through my worthy friend Mrs Gabbon, I have taken the liberty
of calling. She gave me to understand that you were not undesirous of making my
acquaintance, Mr Butler.''
``The deuce, she did!''
thought Mr Butler. Aloud he answered most politely, ``I am honoured, Mr Duggs.
Won't you sit down?''
First casting a wary
eye upon a chair, Mr Duggs seated himself carefully on the edge of it.
``It is quite
evident,'' thought Mr Bunker, ``that he has spotted something wrong. I believe
a bobby would have been safer after all.''
He assumed the longest
face he could draw, and remarked sententiously, ``The weather has been
unpleasantly cold of late, Mr Duggs.''
He flattered himself
that his guest seemed instantly more at his ease. Certainly he replied with as
much cordiality as a man with such a dull eye could be supposed to display.
``It has, Mr Butler; in
fact I have suffered from a chill for some weeks. Ahem!''
``Have something to
drink,'' suggested Mr Bunker, sympathetically. ``I'm trying a little whisky
myself, as a cure for cold.''
``I--ah--I am sorry. I
do not touch spirits.''
``I, on the contrary,
am glad to hear it. Too few of our clergymen nowadays support the cause of
temperance by example.''
Mr Bunker felt a little
natural pride in this happily expressed sentiment, but his visitor merely
turned his cold eye on the whisky bottle, and breathed heavily.
``Confound him!'' he
thought; ``I'll give him something to snort at if he is going to conduct
himself like this.''
``Have a cigar?'' he
asked aloud.
Mr Duggs seemed to
regard the cigar-box a little less unkindly than the whisky bottle; but after a
careful look at it he replied, ``I am afraid they seem a little too strong for
me. I am a light smoker, Mr Butler.''
``Really,'' smiled Mr
Bunker; ``so many virtues in one room reminds me of the virgins of Gomorrah.''
``I beg your pardon?
The what?'' asked Mr Duggs, with a startled stare.
Mr Bunker suspected
that he had made a slip in his biblical reminiscences, but he continued to
smile imperturbably, and inquired with a perfect air of surprise, ``Haven't you
read the novel I referred to?''
Mr Duggs appeared a
little relieved, but he answered blankly enough, ``I--ah--have not. What is the
book you refer to?''
``Oh, don't you know?
To tell the truth, I forget the title. It's by a somewhat well-known lady
writer of religious fiction. A Miss--her name escapes me at this moment.''
In fact, as Mr Bunker
had no idea how long his friend might be dwelling in the apartment immediately
above him, he thought it more prudent to make no statement that could possibly
be checked.
``I am no great admirer
of religious fiction of any kind,'' replied Mr Duggs, ``particularly that
written by emotional females.''
``No,'' said Mr Bunker,
pleasantly; ``I should imagine your own doctrines were not apt to err on the
sentimental side.''
``I am not aware that I
have said anything to you about my--doctrines, as you call them, Mr Butler.''
``Still, don't you
think one can generally tell a man's creed from his coat, and his sympathies
from the way he cocks his hat?''
``I think,'' replied Mr
Duggs, ``that our ideas of our vocation are somewhat different.''
``Mine is, I admit,''
said Mr Bunker, who had come to the conclusion that the strain of playing his
part was really too great, and was now being happily carried along by his
tongue.
Mr Duggs for a moment
was evidently disposed to give battle, but thinking better of it, he contented
himself with frowning at his younger opponent, and abruptly changed the
subject.
``May I ask what
position you hold in the church, Mr Butler?''
``Why,'' began Mr
Bunker, lightly: it was on the tip of his tongue to say ``a clergyman, of
course,'' when he suddenly recollected that he might be anything from the rank
of curate up to the people who wear gaiters (and who these were precisely he
didn't know). An ingenious solution suggested itself. He replied with a
preliminary inquiry, ``Have you ever been in the East, Mr Duggs?''
``I regret to say I
have not hitherto had the opportunity.''
``Thank the Lord for
that,'' thought Mr Bunker. ``I have been a missionary,'' he said quietly, and
looked dreamily into the fire.
It was a happy move. Mr
Duggs was visibly impressed.
``Ah?'' he said.
``Indeed? I am much interested to learn this, Mr Butler. It--ah--gives me
perhaps a somewhat different view of your--ah--opinions. Where did your work
lie?''
``China,'' replied Mr
Bunker, thinking it best to keep as far abroad as possible.
``Ha!'' exclaimed Mr
Duggs. ``This is really extremely fortunate. I am at present, Mr Butler,
studying the religions and customs of China at the British Museum, with a view
to going out there myself very shortly. I already feel I know almost as much
about that most interesting country as if I had lived there. I should like to
talk with you at some length on the subject.''
Mr Bunker saw that it
was time to put an end to this conversation, at whatever minor risk of
perturbing his visitor. He had been a little alarmed, too, by noticing that Mr
Duggs' dull eye had wandered frequently to his theological library, which with
his usual foresight he had strewn conspicuously on the table, and that any
expression it had was rather of suspicious curiosity than gratification.
``I should like to hear
some of your experiences,'' Mr Duggs continued. ``In what province did you
work?''
``In Hung Hang Ho,''
replied Mr Bunker. His visitor looked puzzled, but he continued boldly, ``My
experiences were somewhat unpleasant. I became engaged to a mandarin's daughter--a
charming girl. I was suspected, however, of abetting an illicit traffic in
Chinese lanterns. My companions were manicured alive, and I only made my escape
in a pagoda, or a junk--I was in too much of a hurry to notice which--at the
imminent peril of my life. Don't go to China, Mr Duggs.''
Mr Duggs rose.
``Young man,'' he said,
sternly, ``put away that fatal bottle. I can only suppose that it is under the
influence of drink that you have ventured to tell me such an irreverent and
impossible story.''
``Sir,'' began Mr
Bunker, warmly,--for he thought that an outburst of indignation would probably
be the safest way of concluding the interview,--when he stopped abruptly and
listened. All the time his ears had been alive to anything going on outside,
and now he heard a cab rattle up and stop close by. It might be at Dr Twiddel's
he thought, and, turning from his visitor, he sprang to the window.
Remarking distantly,
``I hear a cab; it is possibly a friend I am expecting,'' Mr Duggs stepped to
the other window.
It was only, however, a
hansom at the door of the next house, out of which a very golden-haired young
lady was stepping.
``Aha,'' said Mr
Bunker, quite forgetting the indignant rôle he had begun to play; ``rather
nice! Is this your friend, Mr Duggs?''
Mr Duggs gave him one
look of his dull eyes, and walked straight for the door. As he went out he
merely remarked, ``Our acquaintance has been brief, Mr Butler, but it has been
quite sufficient.''
``Quite,'' thought Mr
Bunker.
That was Mr Bunker's
first and last meeting with the Rev. John Duggs, and he took no small credit to
himself for having so effectually incensed his neighbour, without, at the same
time, bringing suspicion on anything more pertinent than his sobriety.
And yet sometimes in
the course of the next three days he would have been thankful to see him again,
if only to have another passage-of-arms. The time passed most wearily; the
consulting-room blinds were never raised; no cabs stopped before the doctor's door;
nobody except the little servant ever moved about the house.
He could think of no
plan better than waiting; and so he waited, showing himself seldom in the
streets, and even sitting behind the curtain while he watched at the window.
After writing at some length to the Baron he had no further correspondence that
he could distract himself with; he was even forced once or twice to dip into
the theological works. Mrs Gabbon had evidently `` 'eard sommat'' from Mr
Duggs, and treated him to little of her society. The boredom became so
excessive that he decided he must make a move soon, however rash it was.
The only active step he
took, and indeed the only step he saw his way to take, was a call on Dr
Twiddel's locum. But luck seemed to run dead against him. Dr Billson had
departed ``on his holiday,'' he was informed, and would not return for three
weeks. So Mr Bunker was driven back to his window and the Baron's cigars.
It was the evening of
his fourth day in Mrs Gabbon's rooms. He had finished a modest dinner and was
dealing himself hands at piquet with an old pack of cards, when he heard the
rattle of a cab coming up the street. The usual faint flicker of hope rose: the
cab stopped below him, the flicker burned brighter, and in an instant he was at
the window. He opened the slats of the blind, and the flicker was aflame.
Before the doctor's house a four- wheeled cab was standing laden with luggage,
and two men were going up the steps. He watched the luggage being taken in and
the cab drive away, and then he turned radiantly back to the fire.
``The curtain is up,''
he said to himself. ``What's the first act to be?''
Presently he put on his
wideawake hat and went out for a stroll. He walked slowly past the doctor's
house, but there was nothing to be seen or heard. Remembering the room at the
back, he was not surprised to find no chink of light about the front windows,
and thinking it better not to run the risk of being seen lingering there, he
walked on. He was in such good spirits, and had been cooped up so continually
for the last few days, that he went on and on, and it was not till about a
couple of hours had passed that he approached his rooms again. As he came down
the street he was surprised to see by the light of a lamp that another
four-wheeler was standing before the doctor's house, also laden with luggage.
Two men jumped in, one
after another, and when he had come at his fastest walk within twenty yards or
so, the cabman whipped up and drove rapidly away, luggage and men and all.
He looked up and down
for a hansom, but there were none to be seen. For a few yards he set off at a
run in pursuit, and then, finding that the horse was being driven at a great
rate, and remembering the paucity of stray cabs in the quiet streets and roads
round about, he stopped and considered the question.
``After all,'' he
reflected, ``it may not have been Dr Twiddel who drove away; in fact, if it was
he who arrived in the first cab, it's any odds against it. Pooh! It can't be.
Still, it's a curious thing if two cabs loaded with luggage came to the house
in the same evening, and one drove away without unlading.''
With his spirits a
little damped in spite of his philosophy, he went back to his rooms.
In the morning the
consulting-room blinds were still down, and the house looked as deserted as
ever.
He waited till lunch,
and then he went out boldly and pulled the doctor's bell. The same little maid
appeared, but she evidently did not recognise the fashionable patient who
disappeared so mysteriously in the demure-looking clergyman at the door.
``Is Dr Twiddel at
home?''
``No, sir, he ain't
back yet.''
``He hasn't been
back?''
``No, sir.''
Mr Bunker looked at her
keenly, and then said to himself, ``She is lying.''
He thought he would try
a chance shot.
``But he was expected
home last night, I believe.''
The maid looked a
little staggered.
``He ain't been,'' she
replied.
``I happen to have
heard that he called here,'' he hazarded again.
This time she was
evidently put about.
``He ain't been
here--as I knows of.''
He slipped half-a-crown
into her hand.
``Think again,'' he
said, in his most winning accents.
The poor little maid
was obviously in a dilemma.
``Do you want him
particular, sir?''
``Particularly.''
She fidgeted a little.
``He told me,'' he
pursued, ``that he might look in at his rooms last night. He left no message
for me?''
``What nime, sir?''
``Mr Butler.''
``No, sir.''
``Then, my dear,'' said
Mr Bunker, with his most insinuating smile, ``he was here for a little, you
can't deny?''
At the maid's
embarrassed glance down his long coat, he suddenly realised that there was
perhaps a distinction between lay and clerical smiles.
``He might have just
looked in, sir,'' she admitted.
``But he didn't want it
known?''
``No, sir.''
``Quite right, I
advised him not to, and you did very well not to tell me at first.''
He smiled approvingly
and made a pretence of turning away.
``Oh, by the way,'' he
added, stopping as if struck by an after-thought, ``Is he still in town? He
promised to leave word for me, but he has evidently forgotten.''
``I don't know, sir; 'e
didn't say.''
``What? He left no word
at all?''
``No, sir.''
Mr Bunker held out
another half-crown.
``It's truth, sir,''
said the maid, drawing back; ``we don't know where 'e is.''
``Take it, all the
same; you have been very discreet. You have no idea?''
The maid hesitated.
``I did 'ear Mr Welsh
say something about lookin' for rooms,'' she allowed.
``In London?''
``I expect so, sir; but
'e didn't say no more.''
``Mr Welsh is the
friend who came with him, of course?''
``Yes, sir.''
``Thanks,'' said Mr
Bunker. ``By the way, Dr Twiddel might not like your telling this even to a
friend, so you needn't say I called, I'll tell him myself when I see him, and I
won't give you away.''
He smiled benignly, and
the little maid thanked him quite gratefully.
``Evidently,'' he
thought as he went away, ``I was meant for something in the detective line.''
He returned to his
rooms to meditate, and the longer he thought the more puzzled he became, and
yet the more convinced that he had taken up a thread that must lead him
somewhere.
``As for my plan of
action,'' he considered, ``I see nothing better for it than staying where I
am--and watching. This mysterious doctor must surely steal back some night. Now
and then I might go round the town and try a cast in the likeliest bars--oh,
hang me, though! I forgot I was a clergyman.''
That night he had a
welcome distraction in the shape of a letter from the Baron. It was written
from Brierley Park, in the Baron's best pointed German hand, and it ran thus--
``MY DEAR BUNKER, --I was
greatly more delighted than I am able to express to you from the amusing
correspondence you addressed me. How glad I am, I can assure you, that you are
still in safety and comfort. Remember, my dear friend, to call for me when need
arises, although I do think you can guard yourself as well as most alone.
``This leaves me happy
and healthful, and in utmost prosperity with the kind Sir Richard and his
charming Lady. You English certainly know well how to cause time to pass with
mirth. About instruction I say less!
``They have talked of
you here. I laugh and keep my tongue when they wonder who he is and whither
gone away. Now that anger is passed and they see I myself enjoy the joke, they
say, and especially do the ladies, (You humbug, Bunker!) `How charming was the
imitation, Baron!' You can indeed win the hearts, if wishful so. The Lady
Grillyer and her unexpressable daughter I have often seen. To-day they come
here for two nights. I did suggest it to Lady Brierley, and I fear she did
suspect the condition of my heart; but she charmingly smiled, she asked them,
and they come!
``The Countess, I fear,
does not now love you much, my friend; but then she knows not the truth. The
Lady Alicia is strangely silent on the matter of Mr Bunker, but in time she
also doubtless will forgive.'' (At this Mr Bunker smiled in some amusement.)
``When they leave
Brierley I also shall take my departure on the following day, that is in three
days. Therefore write hastily, Bunker, and name the place and hour where we shall
meet again and dine festively. I expect a most reverent clergyman and much
instructive discourse. Ah, humbug!--Thine always,
``RUDOLPH VON BLITZENBERG. ``P.S.--She is sometimes more kind and
sometimes so distant. Ah, I know not what to surmise! But to- morrow or the
next my fate will be decided. Give me of your prayers, my reverent friend, R.
VON B.'' ``Dear old Baron!'' said Mr
Bunker. ``Well, I've at least a dinner to look forward to.''
Dr Twiddel, meanwhile,
was no less anxious to make the Rev. Alexander Butler's acquaintance than the
Rev. Alexander Butler was to make his. Not that he was aware of that
gentleman's recent change of identity and occupation; but most industrious
endeavors to find a certain Mr Beveridge were made in the course of the next
few days. He and Welsh were living modestly and obscurely in the neighbourhood
of the Pentonville Road, scouring the town by day, studying a map and laying
the most ingenious plans at night. Welsh's first effort, as soon as they were
established in their new quarters, was to induce his friend to go down to
Clankwood and make further inquiries, but this Twiddel absolutely declined to
do.
``My dear chap,'' he
answered, ``supposing anything were found out, or even suspected, what am I to
say? Old Congleton knows me well, and for his own sake doesn't want to make a
fuss; but if he really spots that something is wrong, he will be so afraid of
his reputation that he'd give me away like a shot.''
``How are you going to
give things away by going down and seeing him?''
``If they have guessed
anything, I'll give it away. I haven't your cheek, you know, and tact, and that
sort of thing; you'd much better go yourself.''
``I? It isn't my
business.''
``You seem to be making
it yours. Besides, Dr Congleton thinks it is. You passed yourself off as the
chap's cousin, and it is quite natural for you to go and inquire.''
Welsh pondered the
point. ``Hang it,'' he said at last, ``it would do just as well to write.
Perhaps it's safer after all.''
``Well, you write.''
``Why should I, rather
than you?''
``Because you're his
cousin.''
Welsh considered again.
``Well, I don't suppose it matters much. I'll write, if you're afraid.''
It was these amiable
little touches in his friend's conversation that helped to make Twiddel's lot
at this time so pleasant. In fact, the doctor was learning a good deal about
human nature in cloudy weather.
With great care Welsh
composed a polite note of anxious inquiry, and by return of post received the
following reply:--
``MY DEAR SIR, -- I regret to
inform you that we have not so far recovered your cousin Mr Beveridge. In all
probability, however, this cannot be long delayed now, as he was seen within
the last week at a country house in Dampshire, and is known to have fled to
London immediately on his recognition, but before he could be secured. He was
then clean shaved, and had been passing under the name of Francis Bunker. We
are making strict inquiries for him in London.
``Nobody can regret the
unfortunate circumstance of his escape more than I, and, in justice to myself
and my institution, I can assure you that it was only through the most
unforeseen and remarkable ingenuity on your cousin's part that it occurred.
``Trusting that I may
soon be able to inform you of his recovery, I am, yours very truly,
``ADOLPHUS S. CONGLETON. Their
ardour was, if possible, increased by Dr Congleton's letter. Mr Beveridge was
almost certainly in London, and they knew now that they must look for a clean-
shaved man. Two private inquiry detectives were at work; and on their own
account they had mapped the likeliest parts of London into beats, visiting
every bar and restaurant in turn, and occasionally hanging about stations and
the stopping-places for 'buses.
It was dreadfully hard
work, and after four days of it, even Welsh began to get a little sickened.
``Hang it,'' he said in
the evening, ``I haven't had a decent dinner since we came back. Mr Bunker can
go to the devil for to-night, I'm going to dine decently. I'm sick of going
round pubs, and not even stopping to have a drink.''
``So am I,'' replied
Twiddel, cordially; ``where shall we go?''
``The Café
Maccarroni,'' suggested Welsh; ``we can't afford a West-end place, and they
give one a very decent dinner there.''
The Café Maccarroni in
Holborn is nominally of foreign extraction,--certainly the waiters and the
stout proprietor come from sunnier lands,--and many of the diners you can hear
talking in strange tongues, with quick gesticulations. But for the most part they
are respectable citizens of London, who drink Chianti because it stimulates
cheaply and not unpleasantly. The white-painted room is bright and clean and
seldom very crowded, the British palate can be tickled with tolerable joints
and cutlets, and the foreign with gravy-covered odds and ends. Altogether, it
may be recommended to such as desire to dine comfortably and not too
conspicuously.
The hour at which the
two friends entered was later than most of the habitués dine, and they had the
room almost to themselves. They faced each other across a small table beside
the wall, and very soon the discomforts of their researches began to seem more
tolerable.
``We'll catch him soon,
old man,'' said Welsh, smiling more affably than he had smiled since they came
back. ``A day or two more of this kind of work and even London won't be able to
conceal him any longer.''
``Dash it, we must,''
replied Twiddel, bravely. ``We'll show old Congleton how to look for a
lunatic.''
``Ha, ha!'' laughed
Welsh, ``I think he'll be rather relieved himself. Waiter! another bottle of
the same.''
The bottle arrived, and
the waiter was just filling their glasses when a young clergyman entered the
room and walked quietly towards the farther end. Welsh raised his glass and
exclaimed, ``Here's luck to ourselves, Twiddel, old man!''
At that moment the
clergyman was passing their table, and at the mention of this toast he started
almost imperceptibly, and then, throwing a quick glance at the two, stopped and
took a seat at the next table, with his back turned towards them. Welsh, who
was at the farther side, looked at him with some annoyance, and made a sign to
Twiddel to talk a little more quietly.
To the waiter, who came
with the menu, the clergyman explained in a quiet voice that he was waiting for
a friend, and asked for an evening paper instead, in which he soon appeared to
be deeply engrossed.
At first the
conversation went on in a lower tone, but in a few minutes they insensibly
forgot their neighbour, and the voices rose again by starts.
``My dear fellow,''
Welsh was saying, ``we can discuss that afterwards; we haven't caught him
yet.''
``I want to settle it
now.''
``But I thought it was
settled.''
``No, it wasn't,'' said
Twiddel, with a foreign and vinous doggedness.
``What do you suggest
then?''
``Divide it equally--£250
each.''
``You think you can
claim half the credit for the idea and half the trouble?''
``I can claim all the
risk--practically.''
``Pooh!'' said Welsh.
``You think I risked nothing? Come, come, let's talk of something else.''
``Oh, rot!''
interrupted Twiddel, who by this time was decidedly flushed. ``You needn't ride
the high horse like that, you are not Mr Mandell-Essington any longer.''
With a violent start,
the clergyman brought his fist crash on the table, and exclaimed aloud, ``By
Heaven, that's it!''
As one may suppose,
everybody in the room started in great astonishment at this extraordinary
outburst. With a sharp ``Hollo!'' Twiddel turned in his seat, to see the clergyman
standing over him with a look of the keenest inquiry in his well-favoured face.
``May I ask, Dr
Twiddel, what you know of the gentleman you just named?'' he said, with perfect
politeness.
The conscience-smitten
doctor gazed at him blankly, and the colour suddenly left his face. But Welsh's
nerves were stronger; and, as he looked hard at the stranger, a jubilant light
leaped to his eyes.
``It's our man!'' he
cried, before his friend could gather his wits. ``It's Beveridge, or Bunker, or
whatever he calls himself! Waiter!''
Instantly three
waiters, all agog, hurried at his summons.
Mr Bunker regarded him
with considerable surprise. He had quite expected that the pair would be thrown
into confusion, but not that it would take this form.
``Excuse me, sir,'' he
began, but Welsh interrupted him by crying to the leading waiter--
``Fetch a four-wheeled
cab and a policeman, quick!'' As the man hesitated, he added, ``This man here
is an escaped lunatic.''
The waiter was starting
for the door, when Mr Bunker stepped out quickly and interrupted him.
``Stop one minute,
waiter,'' he said, with a quiet, unruffled air that went far to establish his
sanity. ``Do I look like a lunatic? Kindly call the proprietor first.''
The stout proprietor
was already on his way to their table, and the one or two other diners were
beginning to gather round. Mr Bunker's manner had impressed even Welsh, and
after his nature he took refuge in bluster.
``I say, my man,'' he
cried, ``this won't pass. Somebody fetch a cab.''
``Vat is dees about?''
asked the proprietor, coming up.
``Your wine, I'm
afraid, has been rather too powerful for this gentleman,'' Mr Bunker explained,
with a smile.
``Look here,''
blustered Welsh, ``do you know you've got a lunatic in the room?''
``You can perhaps guess
it,'' smiled Mr Bunker, indicating Welsh with his eyes.
The waiters began to
twitter, and Welsh, with an effort, pulled himself together.
``My friend here,'' he
said, ``is Dr Twiddel, a well- known practitioner in London. He can tell you
that he certified this man as a lunatic, and that he afterwards escaped from
his asylum. That is so, Twiddel?''
``Yes,'' assented
Twiddel, whose colour was beginning to come back a little.
``Who are you, sare?''
asked the proprietor.
``Show him your card,
Twiddel,'' said Welsh, producing his own and handing it over.
The proprietor looked
at both cards, and then turned to Mr Bunker.
``And who are you,
sare?''
``My name is
Mandell-Essington.''
``His name----'' began
Welsh.
``Have you a card?''
interposed the proprietor.
``I am sorry I have
not,'' replied Mr Bunker (to still call him by the name of his choice).
``His name is Francis
Beveridge,'' said Welsh.
``I beg your pardon; it
is Mandell-Essington.''
``Any other description?''
Welsh asked, with a sneer.
``A gentleman, I
believe.''
``No other
occupation?''
``Not unless you can
call a justice of the peace such,'' replied Mr Bunker, with a smile.
``And yet he disguises
himself as a clergyman!'' exclaimed Welsh, triumphantly, turning to the
proprietor.
Mr Bunker saw that he
was caught, but he merely laughed, and observed, ``My friend here disguises
himself in liquor, a much less respectable cloak.''
Unfortunately the
humour of this remark was somewhat thrown away on his present audience; indeed,
coming from a professed clergyman, it produced an unfavourable impression.
``You are not a
clergyman?'' said the proprietor, suspiciously.
``I am glad to say I am
not,'' replied Mr Bunker, frankly.
``Den vat do you do in
dis dress?''
``I put it on as a
compliment to the cloth; I retain it at present for decency,'' said Mr Bunker,
whose tongue had now got a fair start of him.
``Mad,'' remarked
Welsh, confidentially, shrugging his shoulders with really excellent dramatic
effect.
By this time the
audience were disposed to agree with him.
``You can give no
better account of yourself dan dis?'' asked the proprietor.
``I am anxious to,''
replied Mr Bunker, ``but a public restaurant is not the place in which I choose
to give it.''
``Fetch the cab and the
policeman,'' said Welsh to a waiter.
At this moment another
gentleman entered the room, and at the sight of him Mr Bunker's face
brightened, and he stopped the waiter by a cry of, ``Wait one moment; here
comes a gentleman who knows me.''
Everybody turned, and
beheld a burly, very fashionably dressed young man, with a fair moustache and a
cheerful countenance.
``Ach, Bonker!'' he
cried.
This confirmation of Mr
Bunker's aliases ought, one would expect, to have delighted the two
conspirators, but, instead, it produced the most remarkable effect. Twiddel
utterly collapsed, while even Welsh's impudence at last deserted him. Neither
said a word as the Baron von Blitzenberg greeted his friend with affectionate
heartiness.
``My friend, zis is
good for ze heart! Bot, how? vat makes it here?''
``My dear Baron, the
most unfortunate mistake has occurred. Two men here----'' But at this moment he
stopped in great surprise, for the Baron was staring hard first at Welsh and
then at Twiddel.
``Ah!'' he exclaimed,
``Mr Mandell-Essington, I zink?''
Welsh hesitated for an
instant, and his hesitation was evident to all. Then he replied, ``No, you are
mistaken.''
``Surely I cannot be;
you did stay in Fogelschloss?'' said the Baron. ``Is not zis Dr Twiddel?''
``No--er--ah--yes,''
stammered Twiddel, looking feebly at Welsh.
The Baron looked from
the one to the other in great perplexity, when Mr Bunker, who had been much
puzzled by this conversation, broke in, ``Did you call that person
Mandell-Essington?''
``I cairtainly zought
it vas.''
``Where did you meet
him?''
``In Bavaria, at my own
castle.''
``You are mistaken,
sir,'' said Welsh.
``One moment, Mr
Welsh,'' said Mr Bunker. ``How long ago was this, Baron?''
``Jost before I gom to
London. He travelled viz zis ozzer gentleman, Dr Twiddel.''
``You are wrong, sir,''
persisted Welsh.
``For his health,''
added the Baron.
A light began to dawn
on Mr Bunker.
``His health?'' he
cried, and then smiled politely at Welsh.
``We will talk this
over, Mr Welsh.''
``I am sorry I happen
to be going,'' said Welsh, taking his hat and coat.
``What, without your
lunatic?'' asked Mr Bunker.
``That is Dr Twiddel's
affair, not mine. Kindly let me pass, sir.''
``No, Mr Welsh; if you
go now, it will be in the company of that policeman you were so anxious to send
for.'' There was such an unmistakable threat in Mr Bunker's voice and eye that
Welsh hesitated. ``We will talk it over, Mr Welsh,'' Mr Bunker repeated
distinctly. ``Kindly sit down. I have several things to ask you and your friend
Dr Twiddel.''
Muttering something
under his breath, Welsh hung up his coat and hat, sat down, and then assuming
an air of great impudence, remarked, ``Fire away, Mr Mandell-
Essington--Beveridge--Bunker, or whatever you call yourself.''
Without paying the
slightest attention to this piece of humour, Mr Bunker turned to the bewildered
proprietor, and, to the intense disappointment of the audience, said, ``You can
leave us now, thank you; our talk is likely to be of a somewhat private
nature.'' As their gallery withdrew, he drew up a chair for the Baron, and all
four sat round the small table.
``Now,'' said Mr Bunker
to Welsh, ``you will perhaps be kind enough to give me a precise account of
your doings since the middle of November.''
``I'm d----d if I do,''
replied Welsh.
``Sare,'' interposed
the Baron in his stateliest manner, ``I know not now who you may be, but I see
you are no gentleman. Ven you are viz gentlemen--and noblemen-- you vill please
to speak respectfully.''
The stare that Welsh
attempted in reply was somewhat ineffective.
``Perhaps, Dr Twiddel,
you can give the account I want?'' said Mr Bunker.
The poor doctor looked
at his friend, hesitated, and finally stammered out, ``I--I don't see why.''
Mr Bunker pulled a
paper out of his pocket and showed it to him.
``Perhaps this may
suggest a why.''
When the doctor saw the
bill for Mr Beveridge's linen, the last of his courage ebbed away. He glanced
helplessly at Welsh, but his ally was now leaning back in his chair with such
an irritating assumption of indifference, and the prospective fee had so
obviously vanished, that he was suddenly seized with the most virtuous
resolutions.
``What do you want to
know, sir?'' he asked.
``In the first place,
how did you come to have anything to do with me?''
Welsh, whose sharp wits
instantly divined the weak point in the attack, cut in quickly, ``Don't tell
him if he doesn't know already!''
But Twiddel's relapse
to virtue was complete. ``I was asked to take charge of you while----'' He
hesitated.
``While I was unwell,''
smiled Mr Bunker. ``Yes?''
``I was to travel with
you.''
``Ah!''
``But I--I didn't like
the idea, you see; and so--in fact--Welsh suggested that I should take him
instead.''
``While you locked me
up in Clankwood?''
``Yes.''
``Ha, ha, ha!'' laughed
Mr Bunker, ``I must say it was a devilish humorous idea.''
At this Twiddel began
to take heart again.
``I am very sorry, sir,
for----'' he began, when the Baron interrupted excitedly.
``Zen vat is your name,
Bonker?''
``I am Mr
Mandell-Essington, Baron.''
The Baron looked at the
other two in turn with wide- open eyes.
Then he turned
indignantly upon Welsh.
``You were impostor
zen, sare? You gom to my house and call yourself a gentleman, and impose upon
me, and tell of your family and your estates. You, a low--er--er-- vat you
say?--a low cad! Bonker, I cannot sit at ze same table viz zese persons!''
He rose as he spoke.
``One moment, Baron!
Before we send these gentlemen back to their really promising career of fraud,
I want to ask one or two more questions.'' He turned to Twiddel. ``What were
you to be paid for this?''
``£500.''
Mr Bunker opened his
eyes. ``That's the way my money goes? From your anxiety to recapture me, I
presume you have not yet been paid?''
``No, I assure you, Mr
Essington,'' said Twiddel, eagerly; ``I give you my word.''
``I shall judge by the
circumstances rather than your word, sir. It is perhaps unnecessary to inform
you that you have had your trouble for nothing.'' He looked at them both as
though they were curious animals, and then continued: ``You, Mr Welsh, are a really
wonderfully typical rascal. I am glad to have met you. You can now put on your
coat and go.'' As Welsh still sat defiantly, he added, ``At once, sir! or you
may possibly find policemen and four-wheeled cabs outside. I have something
else to say to Dr Twiddel.''
With the best air he
could muster, Welsh silently cocked his hat on the side of his head, threw his
coat over his arm, and was walking out, when a watchful waiter intercepted him.
``Your bill, sare.''
``My friend is
paying.''
``No, Mr Welsh,'' cried
the real Essington; ``I think you had better pay for this dinner yourself.''
Welsh saw the vigilant
proprietor already coming towards him, and with a look that augured ill for
Twiddel when they were alone, he put his hand in his pocket.
``Ha, ha!'' laughed
Essington, ``the inevitable bill!''
``And now,'' he
continued, turning to Twiddel, ``you, doctor, seem to me a most unfortunately
constructed biped; your nose is just long enough to enable you to be led into a
singularly original adventure, and your brains just too few to carry it through
creditably. Hang me if I wouldn't have made a better job of the business! But
before you disappear from the company of gentlemen I must ask you to do one
favour for me. First thing to- morrow morning you will go down to Clankwood,
tell what lie you please, and obtain my legal discharge, or whatever it's
called. After that you may go to the devil-- or, what comes much to the same
thing, to Mr Welsh--for all I care. You will do this without fail?''
``Ye--es,'' stammered
Twiddel, ``certainly, sir.''
``You may now
retire--and the faster the better.''
As the crestfallen
doctor followed his ally out of the restaurant, the Baron exclaimed in disgust,
``Ze cads! You are too merciful. You should punish.''
``My dear Baron, after
all I am obliged to these rascals for the most amusing time I have ever had in
my life, and one of the best friends I've ever made.''
``Ach, Bonker! Bot vat
do I say? You are not Bonker no more, and yet may I call you so, jost for ze
sake of pleasant times? It vill be too hard to change.''
``I'd rather you would,
Baron. It will be a perpetual in memoriam record of my departed virtues.''
``Departed, Bonker?''
``Departed, Baron,''
his friend repeated with a sigh; ``for how can I ever hope to have so spacious
a field for them again? Believe me, they will wither in an atmosphere of
orthodoxy. And now let us order dinner.''
``But first,'' said the
Baron, blushing, ``I haf a piece of news.''
``Baron, I guess it!''
``Ze Lady Alicia is now
mine! Congratulate!''
``With all my heart,
Baron! What could be a fitter finish than the detection of villainy, the
marriage of all the sane people, and the apotheosis of the lunatic?''
THE END.